Goals

When your goals seem far away..
When it’s hard to breathe..
When the tears well up in your eyes thinking of your loss, the absence..
Keep your eyes on your goal…
Your health.. Your body.. Your baby, depends on this.
Remember, it will be yours someday.. Someday soon..
To the one that I had… I loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I proudly exclaimed when you were the size of a poppyseed, and excitedly updated when you grew. And then, you stopped growing. I loved you as much then as I would if you’d have taken your first breath… I miss you every single day.
And to my ones that aren’t here yet… The love you will find in my arms, and in the arms of your father will be overwhelming, and amazing. We have not met you yet, and already we love and want you so, so much. I cannot wait to meet you, little ones. However many of you there may be.
<3

Calming down

I feel kind of sorry for anyone who may stumble upon this blog. I probably sound like a crazy woman. Some manic, bi-polar nutcase who goes from posting hysterical blogs about jealousy and anger toward pregnant women, to posting something like this. I apologize if you’re reading this and are frightened. It’ll be ok, I swear.

It’s time for some positive thinking. I’ve been trying really hard lately not only to renovate my body, but my mind and my soul as well. I am trying very hard to not be a negative thinker; and to appreciate the good I have in my life. So, here goes.

  • I am alive.
  • I am married to an amazing, funny, caring, sweet, protective, loyal man.
  • I am loved by him, and so many other people.
  • I have been doing very well in my exercise and nutrition goals.
  • I can feel the beginnings of tightening in my abs. My arms are more defined.
  • I’m about to eat my lunch. Food always makes me happy.
  • I was blessed, albeit briefly, with the presence of my very own personal miracle. I will never forget the joy I felt all the time when I was pregnant. I mean, all the time, I was happy.
  • I am grateful for the opportunity to become a stronger woman.
  • I have a magazine sitting beside me just waiting to be read (I love magazines).
  • The new Stephenie Meyer book is coming out in May.
  • I have a week of vacation scheduled in June, and another in September.
  • Spring is coming.

There we go. I feel better already.

Uncharacteristic

It’s not like me to be this upset at someone’s good news. I’m sure R is thrilled to be pregnant, but this is one case where I cannot find it in myself to be happy for her. This hurts me. Another coworker of mine, C, is around 12 weeks, I think, and I’m ecstatic for her.. She and her husband have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, and she finally is. That’s wonderful..

This girl, on the other hand.. I’m just having such a hard time with this. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, don’t get me wrong. It just seems so unjust, and so unfair that she, who rushed into a relationship, a marriage, and a pregnancy, is pregnant and Josh and I… We waited longer than we wanted to, to make sure we were 100% ready, and we lose our precious baby. I know that our miscarriage was “easier” than a lot of others.. It only took us one try to get pregnant, we didn’t struggle with infertility. I lost the baby early, at 7 weeks, and I miscarried naturally and completely, without any complications. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to complain about my miscarriage, but damnit, this hurts. I feel like stamping my feet, and declaring to the world how unfair this is, like a child.

I feel guilty for having these feelings. Who am I to say she is undeserving of a child? It’s not my place to have these feelings. But I just cannot help it. I miss my baby so much, I wanted that baby for so long. I still want that baby. I’m trying so hard to focus on my weight loss, to think about my body and how good it feels right now; how good it feels to be getting back into shape. Thinking about the muscles that are becoming more prominent in my arms, in my abs.. The fact that my pants are almost falling off of me. But right now, my brain is stubbornly wanting to cling to this girl being pregnant, and I just cannot stop crying.

I know that most likely, no one ever reads this. And that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to write, to be angry and sad, and jealous without judgement. It’s not like me to feel like this. I try so hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I have and not what I don’t.. But this is just hitting me really, really hard.