Uncharacteristic

It’s not like me to be this upset at someone’s good news. I’m sure R is thrilled to be pregnant, but this is one case where I cannot find it in myself to be happy for her. This hurts me. Another coworker of mine, C, is around 12 weeks, I think, and I’m ecstatic for her.. She and her husband have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, and she finally is. That’s wonderful..

This girl, on the other hand.. I’m just having such a hard time with this. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone, don’t get me wrong. It just seems so unjust, and so unfair that she, who rushed into a relationship, a marriage, and a pregnancy, is pregnant and Josh and I… We waited longer than we wanted to, to make sure we were 100% ready, and we lose our precious baby. I know that our miscarriage was “easier” than a lot of others.. It only took us one try to get pregnant, we didn’t struggle with infertility. I lost the baby early, at 7 weeks, and I miscarried naturally and completely, without any complications. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to complain about my miscarriage, but damnit, this hurts. I feel like stamping my feet, and declaring to the world how unfair this is, like a child.

I feel guilty for having these feelings. Who am I to say she is undeserving of a child? It’s not my place to have these feelings. But I just cannot help it. I miss my baby so much, I wanted that baby for so long. I still want that baby. I’m trying so hard to focus on my weight loss, to think about my body and how good it feels right now; how good it feels to be getting back into shape. Thinking about the muscles that are becoming more prominent in my arms, in my abs.. The fact that my pants are almost falling off of me. But right now, my brain is stubbornly wanting to cling to this girl being pregnant, and I just cannot stop crying.

I know that most likely, no one ever reads this. And that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to write, to be angry and sad, and jealous without judgement. It’s not like me to feel like this. I try so hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I have and not what I don’t.. But this is just hitting me really, really hard.

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