It’s the little things.

It’s amazing. The smallest things that went unnoticed before my miscarriage now carry the power to reduce me to tears.

A baby’s laugh. A commercial featuring chubby-cheeked, wobbly little toddlers running around a living room. A mother planting a gentle kiss on her newborn baby’s forehead.

These images, these sounds can catch me completely off guard, and make me feel like my world is tumbling in around me. In these moments, I look down at my belly, which should be swollen to the point of discomfort. I should be waddling like a duck. I should be wincing as my baby gouges me in the ribs, kicks me in places that I never thought I could be kicked before. I look longingly down at my belly which is, by no means a flat thing, but is not round as it should be.

My due date is next weekend. Next weekend. How did it get here so quickly? How did it get here at all? For the past 9 months, it’s been so far in the distance, I suppose I never really thought about dealing with it before. But here it comes, looming ever closer. I wonder sometimes if once it’s passed, the pain will lessen. I wonder if once it is behind me, I will stop looking down at my stomach with a wistful gaze….

I just heard an old man say, “Hope springs eternal” on the TV. I don’t know how that became my mantra, but I find myself using that quote everywhere.

I’m ready to be a mommy. I’m ready to hold my baby, to love my baby, to be a mother to my baby. I want my babies so much. I love them, all of them, and they aren’t even conceived yet.

Sometimes this grief feels like it’s going to swallow me whole. I feel like my heart is so swollen; it’s a wonder that it hasn’t burst. My eyes are so heavy with tears, I am amazed that I can keep them open.

Sometimes, all I can do is hang my head, hug myself, and cry.

So far, so good.

My workout was good yesterday, but today I will have a better one.

I didn’t do so well with my food. I went over my calories by 126. But today is a new day!

My sinuses are bothering me today. Yuck. I started my temping back up today; I’m temping vaginally this cycle. I sleep with my mouth open more often than not, and I’ve read that can lead to erratic temps.

Here’s to a May baby!

Enough is enough.

I haven’t been sticking to a workout routine, nor a healthy eating pattern, since May.

MAY.

IT’S AUGUST.

This is unacceptable.

Starting TODAY, I am getting back into it. I’m taking the opportunity that my stupid AF gave me this month to get back into my exercise regimen hard core.

My PreSeed showed up last night, and needless to say, after a “trial run”, I have to say I’m pretty happy with it. I need to pick up some more OPKs. I plan on following the “Sperm Meets Egg” plan this cycle, so I will be starting our BDing this Saturday, and I will start using OPKs this coming Monday.

So that’s where I am right now. My fitness regimen starts anew TODAY. Not tomorrow, not Thursday. TO-DAY.

Yep.

Woke up this morning to excruciatingly horrible cramps.

Went to the bathroom, and she’s here in all of her ugly, unwanted glory.

On to cycle #4. I ordered my PreSeed yesterday, and I have some OPKs under the bathroom sink.

This better be the last time I see you for a good, long while, AF. Seriously.

It all just hit me

After being a total ass to my husband.

I’ve had such a bad week. It’s been a horrible, rotten, terrible week.

I want to be pregnant. I was counting on it. I could just feel it at the beginning of the month. I just KNEW that this was my month.

I haven’t gotten my period yet, but like I said, brown spotting this morning, temps falling.. She’s on her way.

I’m just so sad. I’m so upset. I’m hormonal, I’m sad, I’ve been stressed, and it caused me to be a jerk to my DH.

*sighs*

Bah.

Well, against my better judgement, I went to Walgreen’s on my lunch break yesterday, bought 2 HPTs, and POAS when I got back to work.

BFN.

A few hours later, I started very slightly spotting.

AWESOME.

This morning, more spotting. It’s brown, but since the miscarriage, my periods have been starting, and ending, with brown spotting. Go figure. I don’t know if there’s a scientific reason for that, but it never happened before my miscarriage.

*sighs* My temperature also took another degree dip, so I’m pretty officially out for this cycle. On to cycle #4. PreSeed, OPKs.. Here I come. I really hoped that I wouldn’t need you.

Must.. Resist… Temptation…

Well, Wednesday has come and gone and still no AF. When I started feeling crampy on Monday, I was convinced she’d be here by then.

Since Monday, I’ve experienced a few twinges and a little dull aching, but nothing like it was Monday. I don’t know whether to be optimistic about this or not. My temps took a little bit of a dive today, which I’m not too happy about. But I also know that I sleep with my mouth open, and that can make temping less accurate. My temps are still in the low 98/high 97 range, so I guess that’s still relatively promising. If I don’t get pregnant this month, I’m going to start temping vaginally.
As for IPS, my boobs are very, very sore. They’re not puffy and swollen like they were with my first pregnancy, which is discouraging. I realize that every pregnancy is different, but that was my first sign that something was off, and I guess I’ve been looking to my boobs for the first sign that I’m pregnant.
I’ve been a little queasy today, and kind of scatterbrained. I’m trying really hard to resist the temptation to run to Walgreens on my lunch break and get a pregnancy test. I really want to test. Like, really, really badly. But I’m not considering AF late until Saturday has come and gone. I had all intentions on testing Saturday morning, but now I don’t know. I just don’t know. I really, really want to test today.
Maybe I’ll compromise, buy a test tonight, and test tomorrow morning. I think that’s what I’ll do. By then, I’ll either be 13 or 15 DPO, depending on when I ovulated and surely an HPT would pick it up if I was pregnant.

Just cheer up already.

I cannot shake this sadness/disappointment I’m feeling. I know AF is coming. I still have dull cramps, and my cervix is slowly starting to open up. I’m out this cycle; I just know it.

I’m so sad. I had such high hopes for this month. I felt like we timed everything right, I’d had a good feeling right from the start; my temps were doing well and I felt like I had some promising IPS. I guess not, though. I know you’re technically not out until AF shows, but I feel like she’s coming.

I wish she’d just show up, and put me out of my misery. I wish that my temps weren’t still high, giving me some kind of stupid false hope. I wish my cervix would open, my cramps would come full force, and she’d just come already. Either that, or I wish the cramps would go away, my cervix would close, and this feeling of AF coming any time now would stop. At least then maybe my hope could be a little more warranted.

I know this is only our 3rd cycle trying and that I shouldn’t be so mopey and let down. Many others have been trying a lot longer than we have. I’m just so sad. I miss my baby so much, and I want to be pregnant. Women all around me are getting pregnant, and I’m left spinning my wheels, wanting our baby. I love my children so much already, and they’re not even conceived yet.

People keep telling me it will happen when it’s meant to happen. Well, when is that? Why can’t it be “meant to happen” now? Why do I have to wait, and want for so long, when others get theirs so easily?

When will my heart stop hurting like this? When will the sadness go away?

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just can’t shake this melancholy, this want to just go home, be by myself, and not talk to anyone. I just want to go home and sleep.

A little time to cool down.

On my way home from work, I blasted some Coldplay, cried my face off, and now I feel a bit better.

I’m just so, so tired of wishing that I was pregnant. It makes me so sad sometimes, that I wonder how much sadness and longing one person can feel. My belly should be gigantic. I should be about ready to pop.

I know I’ve said these things a million times, and saying them doesn’t change the fact that I’m not pregnant. I lost my baby.

I was really holding out a lot of hope for this cycle. I had a good feeling right from the start. I know that I’m not officially out yet, but these cramps I’ve been having all day have been going on too long to be implantation cramps, I think. I think I’m out, and it’s just a matter of days until AF shows her head.

My anger has passed, and has been replaced by sadness, longing, jealousy, and just… I want it to be my turn. I miss my baby so much. I loved him so much.

Hope springs eternal..

HULK SMASH

Um, wow. I’m in a baaaaad mood today.

I wish I could say it’s a promising IPS, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve been having some OK ones; sore bbs, a little moody, bouts of queasiness, and a general “off” feeling. My temps are still hovering high, my CP is medium, medium texture, and it’s closed.
However, I’ve been feeling very dully crampy today. All day. It stopped briefly around lunchtime, but it’s been around all day. It’s just a very dull ache. I’m kind of hoping it’s implantation/pregnancy cramps, but I didn’t think that implantation cramps hung around for more than a few minutes. I fully expect to see AF in her full, horrible glory by Wednesday. *sighs*
I was feeling really good about this month, too. I’m in just a horrible mood today; everything is going wrong, everything is irritating the holy living snot out of me. I mean, every time someone opens their mouth to say something all I can hear in my head is “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSTOPTALKINGNOW.”

Oh, to be a girl. Isn’t it FABULOUS?!
So, countdown to AF is on. I am expecting her anywhere between Wednesday and Sunday. If she doesn’t come by Saturday, I’m taking an HPT. But with this crampy feeling, I think she’ll be here sooner. I just don’t know.
If we don’t get pregnant this time around, I’m breaking out the big guns. I’m buying PreSeed, OPKs, and maybe even Instead Cups. I know that I may seem crazy, but I want to be pregnant. I’m sick and tired of seeing pregnant women and being angry, jealous, and sad. I’m tired of wandering through the aisles at stores, gazing wistfully at the baby clothes and wondering when it’s going to be my turn.
It was so easy the first time around, too. I estimated when I was set to ovulate, we had sex every other day, and bam. I was pregnant. Of course, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but the getting pregnant part was awfully easy.
I know I shouldn’t complain. This is just cycle #3. I haven’t had it as bad as some others.
But in the words of Inigo Montoya…
“I hate waiting.”