Oh… Well, then.

I did the SME Plan wrong.

We did:

CD8- Start BD every other day
CD10 – start OPK
Positive OPK – BD
Day after + OPK – BD
2nd day after + OPK – skip BD
3rd day after + OPK – BD

And you’re SUPPOSED to do:

CD8 – BD every other day
CD10 – Start OPK
Positive OPK – BD
Day after + OPK – BD
2nd day after + OPK – BD
3rd day after + OPK – skip
4th day after + OPK – BD

So it’s supposed to be 3 BD in a row, then skip. Not 2 BD in a row, skip, then a third BD.

This makes me feel a little better, I guess…… Maybe if we do it RIGHT this time, we’ll have better luck :)

Good morning, AF.

Note to self:

Don’t ever trust your boobs as an IPS again.

On to cycle #5.

Well…

I’m feeling less and less optimistic, I guess. My boobs are still sore and a bit puffy, and I had a really, really bad few hours of queasiness/nausea today. I’ve been hot a lot, and really tired.

But all day today on and off, I’ve been having those dull, achey cramps. The same ones that I felt around 10-11DPO last month, and I definitely was not pregnant last month. The more these cramps stick around, the less hope I feel.

My CM is also kind of lotiony, and there’s been more of it than usual today. I don’t know if that’s a “good” sign, or not. I think creamy CM is supposed to be a sign of AF.

So I’ve gone from convinced that I’m pregnant, to not so convinced, to pretty much expecting AF to show up in a few days. I know that my temps are still high, but I have been temping vaginally this month so they are bound to be consistently higher. I know they are STILL high, but last month my last high temp was 11DPO, and then they fell from there. I’m 11DPO tomorrow. So we’ll see what we see.

*sighs* Tuesday couldn’t get here fast enough.

Ehhhh…

Of course, now I’m doubting myself. I’m wondering, are my boobs really all that puffy?

Sure, I’m hungry, tired, and hot, but so what? I get tired before AF anyway. I hate this waiting game. I swear I’m feeling very, very mildly and dully crampy, like I did last month about 5 days before my period. *sighs* I hate waiting. I wish I knew, for sure, one way or the other.

:)

My nipples hurt, a lot. And the areolas are puffier. Josh noticed them this morning. This makes me very, very happy.

I’ve still been having some poking sensations, but none so much as Monday. They’re just random now, and I am truly hoping that this is a great sign. I just have that “feeling”. A really good feeling. Like I said, I’m going to feel like such an idiot if my period shows up Monday or Tuesday, but I just.. I feel like this is it.



A secret confession

This is my journal that almost no one knows about. I want to get this out in the open, but I’m almost afraid to.

I am confessing, right here and now..

That I think that I may be pregnant.

I don’t want to jinx anything. But for the first time since TTC, I have real and valid IPS. I feel similarly to how I did with my first pregnancy. I can’t ignore the sore breasts, and the puffiness. OK, I can; because my breasts have been getting puffier and more sore since the miscarriage. But those sharp, stabbing sensations I had yesterday I just could not ignore. I’m a lot more “moist” down there than I usually am, and this fatigue is just killing me.

I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, because I desperately don’t want to be wrong. I know that if my period shows up in a week, I will feel like the biggest, dumbest idiot for truly believing that I could be pregnant. I almost don’t WANT to believe that I am, because another part of me is so skeptical.

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. But a part of me thinks I may be pregnant.

Let’s just keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

1WW

1WW and IPS:

  • Tired. Feels like someone took a syringe and drained the energy from my body.
  • My skin broke out long before AF was due.
  • Breasts are somewhat puffy around the aereolas, a little heavy; nipples are sore.
  • Twinges/sharp poking sensation in lower abdomen yesterday.
  • Woke up at 2 AM to pee. When I woke up at 5, I had to go so bad I almost could scream.
  • Weird dreams.

These things could mean nothing, and they could mean EVERYTHING.

Testing is now one week away.

:/

You know, it’s really hard not to get discouraged during the 2WW.

I’m only 5DPO, but I’m already feeling “out”. My temps are fine, and really it’s too early even for implantation (7-10DPO on average) but I’m just discouraged from my lack of IPS.

It seems like with my first pregnancy, my boobs got full, heavy, swollen and sore almost IMMEDIATELY after ovulation. I’m talking like, 3-4 DPO. Of course, I could have been wrong on my guesstimate of when I O’ed, but still. It seems like I had IPS almost right off the bat.

This time, nothing. I KNOW I’m only 5DPO, but I’m already feeling so, so discouraged.

Sigh.

Um, wow.

I got way too drunk last night. My husband found me in the computer room, crying my eyes out, drunk as hell, and made me come to bed.

I’m not particularly proud of it and it’s certainly not the healthiest way to deal with things if that’s the way they are dealt with all the time, but I actually think I needed it. It was like something stuck in my finger; a splinter that was causing an infection, and I had to yank it out.

I don’t think that’s a very good metaphor but it’s all I have at the moment.

Ha What?

It’s 7:00 in the morning, and I’m drunk off my ass.

Do I care? Not really. I was supposed to have my frigging baby today.

I’m drunk off my ass, it’s 7:00 AM, and I DON’T FRIGGING CARE.

I have told everyone that would possibly listen today in chatrooms about my baby today.

Melodramatic? Maybe.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

I FUCKING HATE THIS PAIN.

I. Fucking. Hate. It.

I’m going to stay up all day. I don’t even fucking care.

It’s 7 A.M. and I am not even tired.

I miss you so fucking much.

Fuck.