Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW!

UGH. The downside of using OPKs to try and conceive: You are supposed to hold your pee for FOUR HOURS before you take a test, and limit your water intake. The problem with this, is that I’ve been taking cranberry capsules to try and keep what I think is a UTI at bay and with those you are supposed to drink a full glass of water. I am also taking Mucinex for CM purposes, and you are supposed to drink a full glass of water with THAT, too!!!! So I drank three full glasses of water this morning, and even though I’ve peed several times this morning and peed last at 8:30 A.M. (it’s nearly 11:30 right now), I HAVE TO GO SO BAD I WANT TO CRY. I’m supposed to hold it until 1:00, but I think I’ll only make it to 12. And that should be OK.
So I’m thinking I’ll ovulate sometime at the end of the week. My lady doctor recommended we try a specific position, due to the fact that I have a tilted uterus. I didn’t know that the first time we got pregnant, and there’s a good chance that we used this position when we conceived the first time.
Wow. Now that you know WAY too much about my urinating habits and sexual position preferences…. Have a good Tuesday!

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Three years ago today, I married my best friend.

Happy Anniversary to us, Mr. and Mrs. Green. :)

On to cycle #6

It’s official. She’s here.

On to cycle #6.

Checklist of Suckage

OK, let’s see here:

  • Cramps? Check.
  • Bloating? Check.
  • Pinkish spotting? Check.
  • More cramps? Check.

Hello, Aunt Flo. I thought I’ve made it clear to you that you’re not welcome here anymore. But you just don’t get it, do you?

Well, if you’re coming, just get here already. Stop beating around the bush… And just do your thing.

No love,
Natalie

*sighs*

Well, I just went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was some pinkish/orangish on the TP. I’m feeling very full/bloated, so, AF is on her way.. Right on schedule.

I’m disappointed. I shouldn’t be, because I knew that I was out. But every month that she shows up is another month of disappointment.

*sighs*

Well, come on, AF. I know you’re on your way. Just get here, and get it over with already.

Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me

I just had a slight meltdown in the bathroom here at work.

My coworker calls me, and announces that I have to close the library today, because he’s taking off the rest of the day so he can burn up his vacation time before the end of the month. Now, this isn’t a HUGE deal but it does mean that not only do I have to stay an hour later than I’m supposed to, but thanks to the craptastic parking here on campus, I have to walk down to the library, and then walk back to my car, as there will NOT be any parking spaces in the lot by the library.

So not ONLY am I going to have to stay an hour later, but I am most likely going to be even later than THAT, because it takes me about 10 minutes to walk from the library to where my car will be parked.

Awesome. Now, this wouldn’t bother me so much if someone had ASKED ME. Not TOLD me, ASKED ME. I asked my coworker while on the phone with him, “What if I hadn’t been able to close?” and he had no answer for me, of course. That’s not an option. The guy who normally closes the library will not stay an hour later and close, nor should he. He had to work through his lunch yesterday, and close. That’s not very fair to him.

What pisses me off, is that they did not ASK ME. They TOLD ME. I’m the frigging SITE SUPERVISOR, CONSULT WITH ME BEFORE YOU MAKE PLANS ON MY BEHALF. What if I’d had somewhere to be?! What if my husband could not get a ride home from work?! WHAT IF I HAD PLANS?! Apparently this DOESN’T EXIST IN MY WORLD.

Ugh. So I was getting so upset over this, I ran to the bathroom and put myself in a stall and started crying. Then I got to thinking about how I was over-reacting, and that it was the result of hormones. Then I realized that I was feeling a little crampy, and that meant AF was definitely coming, and I started SOBBING. I got so upset, because I’m STILL not pregnant, top that off with this stupid situation with work and I really just kind of lost it. I’m still seething, and on the verge of tears.

Let me make this clear: This staying until 6 thing is NOT that big of a deal. It really isn’t. On a normal day, I probably would be upset, and pissed, but not like this. It’s these stupid, stupid hormones, and the fact that I know what it means makes things even worse. That’s the really, really upsetting thing.

Woo boy. This day is just MADE OF AWESOME.

/end sarcasm

/end rant

NOM NOM NOM

I want to eat my face off.

I’m SO FREAKING HUNGRY.

AF isn’t here yet, but she usually makes me starving when she’s coming so….. Ugh. Two more days until she’s due.

*chews on pretzels like there’s no tomorrow*

Randomly emotional

I find myself becoming “on the verge” emotional over little stuff the past 2 days.

When I say “on the verge” emotional, I mean that something I’ll read or see will make me feel very emotional, very quickly, to the point where I feel like it might make me cry and then it goes away almost as quickly as it came. This is almost definitely a sign of AF.

My appetite has also increased, and my temper and tolerance for other human beings around me have both decreased. Also, signs of AF. My boobs are ridiculously sore, though they are not any more swollen or puffy than usual.

All of these things are pointing directly to AF. At one point, I might have interpreted them as IPS; holding my breath with the hope that I am pregnant. But not this month. I’m fully expecting AF, all the symptoms are there, now it’s just a waiting game. Waiting for her to show and clear things out, so to speak, so we can move on to our next cycle of trying.

Of course, there is a slight chance that all of these COULD be IPS and I’ll get a big, fat, surprise in a few days. But I wouldn’t count on it.

The waiting game

Well, I’ve been good about not over-analyzing my body during the 2WW. The first week has passed by relatively quickly. I’m about 9DPO, I think, and I’m starting to feel mildly crampy. Just that dull, crampy ache that I’ve been getting the past few cycles about 9-11 DPO. So, this means AF is more than likely going to make her grand appearance at some point this weekend.

I’m giving her until Tuesday the 23rd to show up (I’d be 17 DPO by then), and if she doesn’t, THEN I will test. But I will not test before then.

She was early last month; making my cycle 30 days instead of 31. I wonder if she’ll be on time or early this month? Of course the prospect of another month with no pregnancy has me down a little bit, but there’s always next month.

It really is a sisterhood..

The girls from my iVillage group ‘Trying To Conceive- After Miscarriage’ are amazing. They really are. Never have I found such understanding when it came to my miscarriage. Because while our stories may all be different, our hearts all hurt the same.

I’ve spoken with so many people, some friends of mine with children, who tell me things like, ‘just be patient, it’ll happen.’ Or, ‘stop trying so hard! Just relax!’
These people give me advice, words of “wisdom”, all the while blissfully unaware of the struggle that is infertility problems of any kind, whether it be struggling to conceive, miscarriage, or what have you. If you have not had problems conceiving (and I’m not talking, ‘oh it took me FOUR WHOLE MONTHS to conceive!’), you do not understand. If you have not experienced the loss of a child-and that is what a miscarriage is, no matter HOW early it was-then, you do not understand, plain and simple.

You don’t know what it’s like to see a pregnant woman, to look down at your own belly and be reminded of what SHOULD be, and to be filled with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness, it feels as if the entire fiber of your being is going to split apart with the grief. You can not understand the sense of loss, the sense of never EVER being able to know that child that you conceived; to not even make it to the point where you truly knew if it was a boy or a girl. To have a miscarriage is to lose your dreams and your hopes for that tiny little life inside of you. The loss of a child is unlike any other loss. The loss of a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin… These are all losses that of course, are real and valid, and painful. But to lose a child generates a whole new level, and depth of grief, that if you haven’t been through it, you simply cannot know what it feels like.

A woman who has lost a baby most likely will not come out and express her jealousy toward other pregnant women aloud, because we know what others will think of us. People who haven’t been there can’t sympathize, and thus they jump to the conclusion that we’re bitter, hateful, and full of negativity. This simply is not true. We are in pain. Every glimpse of a baby belly; every glance at a onesie is a constant reminder of our loss. This is why places like my message board, and this blog, come in handy. With my “sistahs”, I can talk about anything. I can vent my sadness at seing a newborn baby at a store. I can share with them the jealousy when I see a pregnant woman waddling through the maternity section of Target. And they will not judge me, because they themselves have felt the exact same thing. Is this emotion necessarily a fair thing to feel? No, it’s not. Any woman who is pregnant is entitled to feel the joy of carrying a new life inside of her. Of course she does. But that doesn’t make my (and other women’s) feelings any less there, or any less painful.

This is my blog. This is a place for me to go, to express my feelings about my miscarriage, and our trying to conceive again. If you don’t like what I say here, don’t read it.
It’s taken longer than I anticipated. I wish every single solitary day of my life that I hadn’t lost my baby. I wish that I were holding that newborn child in my arms right now, singing him or her to sleep. Feeding that tiny little being. But I’m not. And unless you have gone through what I, and many other women, have gone through you will not EVER understand.

And I honestly and sincerely, with every ounce of myself, hope you never do understand. Because it’s one of the worst things I can imagine a person having to go through. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, ever, and I wish that no one had to endure it.

When it finally is my turn, I know that if I ever see a woman who looks at me a little too long, with a sad, jealous, or angry look in her eye, I will know her pain, and understand that it’s nothing personal. She’s hurting, she’s lost, and all she really wants is her baby back.