Oh, hello

Hello, EWCM! I see you there, tryin to be all sneaky.

It’s not working, because I’m like SHERLOCK FRIGGING HOLMES looking for a CLUE.

I SEE YOU THERE! IT’S ON NOW!!!!!!

This is very exciting, seeing EWCM, because I hardly ever see any EWCM, ever. I’m very pleased, and happy with my body.

To my stubborn future child

Dear Nellie or Levi,

Alright. This is your mother speaking. Are you listening? You’d better be.

I know that you have two really stubborn parents, and this is probably contributing to the fact that you haven’t graced us with your tiny little presence yet. I’ve been patient the past few months. Very patient, actually. In fact, I think that your father and I have been a portrait of patience.

I’m starting to get a little steamed here, kiddo. I know that you’re taking your sweet little time, and that you’re stubborn, just like your father and I. I’m not sure why you’re taking your time, but I’m sure you have your reasons. Just know that I’m starting to get impatient and frustrated waiting on you to make your great appearance! I’m just so anxious to finally have you in my life, kiddo, so please understand my reason for being a little irked. Daddy and I are trying very hard to make you a part of our lives. And I guess when you’re ready, you’ll come. But, I guess what I’m asking here is, do you think you could be ready soon? Like, maybe this month?

I really don’t want to have you ground you when you’re 8 for something you did when you weren’t even conceived yet, but I will if I have to, young lady/young man!

Just keep in mind, we’re waiting on you baby, we really, really love you already, and we cannot wait to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Not really pregnancy related, just a lady rant

Is there anything more miserable than the first heavy day of your period? I mean, seriously, girls. It’s just miserable!

I’m bloated, I feel all squishy and gross down there, I’m crampy, my jeans are tight. Let’s not even talk about how disgusting it is to go to the bathroom. Seriously, every time I go to pee I’m like, THIS IS SO GROSS.

Menstrual periods are nature’s big, fat, joke. Seriously. Let’s think of the most unpleasant, disgusting, uncomfortable thing that could possibly ever happen, and make it a monthly, necessary function in order to bear children. Yipee! I think the ONLY thing that would make it worse, is if instead of bleeding from your you-know-where, you bled from your MOUTH.

Hahaha, now I actually kind of have a funny visual in my head. Women wouldn’t need to explain their moodiness, cravings for chocolate, and crying fits to anyone as “that time of the month”, because people would know by the fact that the woman would be walking around with either a pad covering her mouth or a stack of tampons shoved inside it.

HA HA HA. OK now I can’t stop laughing at the image in my head of women walking around the street with tampons shoved in their mouths. I can just see it now. A husband comes home to see his wife, with her back turned from him, sobbing on the couch. Alarmed, he moves to her and says, “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” As she turns around, he sees the tampons and grows solemn. “Ohhhh.” he says knowingly, and pats her on the back.
*snickers*

Questions that could keep me up at night

What if it’s not “meant to be”?

What if I’m not meant to be someone’s mommy? What if I’m destined to forever be “Aunt Natalie” to my family’s babies, my friends’ babies? That I’m meant to watch my girlfriends become mothers, watch the love light up their eyes while they hold their newborn babies, while I am standing aside, wanting for nothing more but to be in their shoes? What if I’m not meant to feel baby kicks, baby moves; what if my belly isn’t destined to swell and grow as my little one does?

What if I’m destined to forever wander through the aisles of baby clothes, gazing longingly, wishing and hoping for a day that will never come? What if I am meant for nothing more than staring at a pregnant woman’s belly, and feeling empty inside?

What if this love I feel inside of me, love that’s meant for my baby, is meant to go unheard; unfelt?

What if I miscarry, one baby after another, until I am so broken inside that I simply cannot do it any more?

What if it’s just not in the cards for me?

I just don’t know what I’d do.

You can say, “it’s meant to be”, but in the end, no one knows that. No one.
You can say “just give it to God”, but for one, I’m not religious and for two, I don’t want to. That doesn’t help me. I don’t like not having control over the things that I want, that I need in my life.

Does every woman who struggles to conceive feel this way?

AF can’t take a hint!

Good grief, AF. How many different ways do I need to say it?

YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE ANY MORE! Go away and don’t come back for a while! Oy, vey.

On to #7.

Not looking good

I was feeling moderately hopeful last night, as my boobs were still swollen, sore, I was queasy on and off all day, etc.

HOWEVER.

This morning, I went to use the bathroom, and when I wiped… Pink. Pink, pink, pink.

Awesome.
AF is due today, I have a feeling she’s going to make her appearance late today, or tomorrow.

I saw that pink, and I started to cry. I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up, month after month. I cannot comprehend why it was so easy for us to get pregnant the first time (we got it on our FIRST TRY), and now, here we are, about to move on to our SEVENTH TIME trying. I know that this isn’t horribly long in retrospect; some couples try for much longer, but still. I should have a baby right now, but I don’t. I lost my baby, and I’m sitting here spinning my wheels, trying trying trying for a baby, wanting desperately to see that positive on an HPT; longing for the day that I can feel my little one kick, see him or her on that ultrasound screen moving about; hold that baby in my arms.

When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? It doesn’t feel like it will right now. I’m feeling so down, so sad, I didn’t even want to come in to work today.

And today is my husband’s birthday. *Sighs* I wanted to be able to tell him he is going to be a daddy on his birthday. Instead, I’m just sitting here, waiting for AF to show her stupid, unwanted, ugly head. I wish she’d just get on with it already instead of making me wait.

1 day to go

Well, I was feeling pretty down yesterday. I’d been feeling somewhat crampy and bloated on and off all day, and was pretty certain that AF was on her way. I’m really in a state of waiting; limbo right now, because part of me feels like she’s coming, and part of me doesn’t. I really don’t know what to think at this point.

My boobs are still swollen, veiny, and SORE. OMG, I mean, so, so sore. Josh commented on the size of them last night. Good Lord, do they hurt.

I’m feeling queasy again today. I wasn’t yesterday, but I am today.

However, I tested again this morning (I am now 13DPO).. Another BFN. I didn’t have much urine to give; I woke up at 2 AM needing to pee, so I broke down and used another HPT. Sure enough… BFN. But my line was faint, which tells me I didn’t have much pee and it wasn’t very concentrated.

So, ugh, I’m still in waiting limbo HELL! I’m just not sure WHAT to think at this point. I’m sitting here, queasy with sore boobs, but very mildly crampy at the same time. And I swear my cervix is more open than it was a few days ago, but I’m not 100% sure.

Thursday, hurry up! I’m goin’ nuts here.

2 days to go

AF is due on Wednesday. Against my better judgement, I tested yesterday, in the middle of the day, at 11DPO. Of course, I got a BFN. I was disappointed, but have been trying to remind myself that not only was it probably too early, but I was an idiot and tested midday instead of using FMU.

So here I sit, bound and determined not to test until Thursday morning. I was feeling sort of bloated this morning, which made me feel sad. I used the restroom, and now I feel a little bit better. So maybe I’m thinking that the bloat wasn’t AF bloat, but “my stomach is too full and needs to be emptied” bloat. When I wiped, I saw what I thought was a faint color to my CM (which is creamy right now, usually a sign of AF) and almost started to cry. Literally, I was sitting there almost in tears. Once again, even though I told myself I wouldn’t trust any IPS ever again, I have myself half-convinced that I’m pregnant. My boobs have been getting increasingly sore, swollen, and veiny since early last week. I’ve been getting queasy after eating since the middle of last week. I’ve been tired. My skin hasn’t broken out, which it usually does about a week before AF. So how come I feel so hopeless, like I’m out this month? We were wandering around Wal-Mart yesterday looking at baby clothes. I was smiling, so excited to be thinking about a tiny little baby inside of me. DH turned into a new aisle before I did, and I was suddenly struck with this desperation, I literally stopped, closed my eyes, and silently begged and pleaded, with my hand on my belly, to be pregnant. I was standing there, thinking, “Please, Please, PLEASE let this be it. PLEASE.”

I want to be pregnant for Thanksgiving. I want to be pregnant for Christmas… Last Christmas was so horrible (We lost the baby 3 days before Christmas last year), and it would be so wonderful for this Christmas to be a joyous occasion. I want to be the woman at the family function that everyone is excited to see; because I have a new life forming inside of me. I want to happily answer everyone’s questions about how I’m feeling, do I feel like it’s a girl or a boy? I want people to tell me over and over to eat, because I’m “eating for two”. Hell, I want to NOT be able to eat because I’m too busy throwing up! If I am pregnant now, I would be into my 2nd trimester by Christmas. I could actually relax a little bit for the holidays, and enjoy them.

I want to be pregnant so much right now, I’m almost in tears again. Please, baby. Please be in there. Please be getting nice and snuggly, to stay there until you are fully formed, healthy, and perfect. Please, please, please. I need you so much.

One week to go

Until the moment of truth. I either get my BFP, or I don’t. Right now, I’m feeling kind of dully crampy, as usual. I’ve been feeling dully crampy since yesterday, so I don’t know if this means anything or not. My breasts, specifically right under my nipples have been sore since last week, and a bit heavier. They look a little veiny; but I notice it most when I’m not wearing a bra. They feel heavier on my chest. I was exhausted yesterday despite getting plenty of sleep the night before. I’ve been feeling a bit queasy in the mornings, and afternoons after eating.

All of this, I’ve come to find, can be signs of AF since my miscarriage. I truly am starting to think that when I finally do become pregnant, I won’t know it as my pre-AF symptoms have mimiced pregnancy symptoms so well in the past few months.

I’m trying to just chill out, and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. Sometimes it’s easier said than done.

I’m currently completely and utterly engrossed in a book called The Time Traveler’s Wife. I borrowed it from my friend (and former workout buddy) Michelle. She has told me about this book several times, as it is one of her favorites. I think it may BE her favorite, but she reads a lot so I’m not 100% sure.
Anyhow, this book is amazing. However, it does have few chapters that if you have experienced the loss of a child; miscarriage, stillborn, etc. that may bother you quite a bit. Just FYI, because I know a few of my readers have had losses.

So anyway, I’m not feeling overly optimistic about this month, nor pessimistic. I’m just kind of here, waiting. I guess that’s all I can do. :)

More Visual Inspiration

I’m finding my “positive thinking” momentum slipping the closer AF’s due date comes near. So here’s some more positive visualization!

And this is what I’m going to be seeing next week, just in time for Josh’s birthday:

Yep. It’s true. It’s going to happen this month. I will be seeing a nice, sticky BFP, and will be having my sweet little baby at the end of June, 2009! This is my month!