Not much to say

Now that we’re on a TTC break, and this is sort of my TTC journal, it’s been quiet. I don’t have much to report right now… I’ve got my wisdom tooth surgery rescheduled for January the 12th. We’re going to miss this cycle of trying but we shouldn’t miss next cycle. I’m set to O around late January, so we should be back in the game by then.

I’m really disappointed in myself and my fitness. It’s been bothering me for a few weeks now. I keep saying that I’m going to go to the gym, and I never do. I did so well the first half of this year…. I lost 20 pounds, and I felt great. Now I guarantee I’ve gained at LEAST 10 of those pounds back, and I’m feeling sluggish and out of shape again. I have to start all over again. I have to find the motivation that I found in January…… It’s hiding from me and I’m irritated. Every night I lie in bed thinking about how fat I feel, and vow to myself that I will go to the gym. And I never do.

All I need is three days a week. Three days a week to get me started…. *sighs*

I think I’m going to start posting a song lyric at the end of my blog entry if I’m listening to music. So here’s the song I’m listening to right now.

“When I counted up my demons, saw there was one for every day. With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away. So if you ever feel neglected, and you think that all is lost, I’ll be counting up my demons yeah, hoping everything’s not lost.” ~ Everything’s Not Lost by Coldplay.

‘Bout damn time

Thanks for finally showing up AF, it’s really nice to see you.

/sarcasm

I rescheduled my wisdom tooth surgery for January 12th. This means we will not be able to try for one more cycle, which is probably for the best because my fertile time would have most likely come while we were on vacation in Chicago anyway, and that would have just been awkward to try to have a baby while sleeping in my father’s living room.

But my surgery is paid for, so it’s going to happen on the 12th. I’m anxious to just get it the hell over with so we can start trying again. I’m tired of everyone in the universe getting pregnant around me, either intentionally or accidentally with me sitting here spinning my damn wheels. I’m tired of being jealous every time I hear about someone getting pregnant, regardless of whether I know them or not. Seriously, every time I hear about a woman announcing a pregnancy, I feel jealous. It’s ridiculous. I understand that it’s a stupid, petty emotion to feel but I cannot help myself. I’m tired of everyone else having their turn while I’m still stuck here. It frigging sucks, and I’m not going to apologize for the way I feel. What happened to me isn’t fair, it sucks, and I have the right to feel every emotion that comes with losing a baby.

OK, that rant is over. That being said, it’s pretty cool that Christmas is coming up, I’m not looking forward to the 22nd as that is the anniversary of the day we lost the baby, but whatever. It’s going to come, I have to deal with it, and then after that all the major “losing the baby” milestones will have passed.

Meanwhile, it seems like everyone in the universe is getting pregnant except for me. OK, I need to stop bitching about that because that’s just the way things go and nothing I do can change the fact. And logically I know that not everyone in the universe is pregnant besides me but sometimes it sure does feel that way.

AF likes to torment me

Good grief, AF. Seriously. You’ve gotten my hopes up now by being semi-regular and back to normal. The past four months, you have been either 26, or 27 days. And now I’m on CD30, and you’re still not here?

Come on. I’ve been spotting for three days now, and had cramps bad enough today I had to take some Advil. Why must you dilly-dally? Just, get on with it already! We didn’t try this month, so I know I’m not pregnant.

JUST GET ON WITH IT!

Dear future baby

Dear Nellie or Levi,

Hey. It’s mommy again. I have a request for you. I know that daddy and I have put off trying to bring you into this world for a while while mommy gets her teeth taken care of…. But I have a request.

When we start to try again.. Please, please, please don’t make us wait long. I’m asking you with all sincerity, from the bottom of my heart. I want to meet you so badly. I want to carry you so badly. Please, kiddo, I really need you. We both love you so much already, and you don’t even exist yet.

Thanks,

Your future mommy

Love you, green bean

It was one year ago today that I found out that I was pregnant with you, my little green bean. One year ago today that was the most wonderful, exciting day of my life. Your daddy and I were on cloud nine that day, pumpkin. I’ll never forget it.

I had taken a test the night before, because my period was due and hadn’t shown up yet. Back then your mommy was like clockwork! I had been holding my breath, wishing that I was pregnant but trying not to get my hopes up. Your daddy and I had just decided that we wanted to try, and I thought it was a longshot that we’d get so lucky as to have success on the first try.

We were going to my company’s Christmas party that night, and I wanted to see if it’d be OK for me to have a beer. So I took out a test that I had bought (I bought them in a three pack of course), and I used it. I waited (not so) patiently for three minutes, and then I looked at the strip. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I thought that I saw a faint plus sign! Trying not to get hysterically excited, I took the test over to your daddy, who was sitting on the couch reading. I calmly asked him, “Does that look like a plus sign to you?” he glanced at it, and said, “Yes.”
I grinned from ear to ear, and said, “That means pregnant.”
He looked at me for a second, and then he himself broke out into a grin. But it faded fast, and he just said calmly, “Well, let’s not get our hopes up. It’s really faint.”

But I knew. I knew that you were there. The whole night, we kept sneaking smiles at each other even though we were trying to remain skeptical. I told him I was going to test again first thing in the morning.

The morning of December 2nd, 2007 I woke up having to pee. It was about 5:00 in the morning. I willed myself to ignore my bladder and go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I snuck out of bed, sat down, and unwrapped the test. I was nervous because my hands were shaking and it took me about four tries to open the packaging! I did my business, replaced the cap, put it on the counter and walked out of the bathroom. I waited another three minutes, and went back into the bathroom. With held breath, I looked at the pregnancy test and confirmed what I already knew.
A beautiful, pink, plus sign. You were officially there! Two tests had confirmed it! I was PREGNANT!!! I put my hand over my mouth, and gasped, “Oh, my God.” I started to cry.

I snuck back into the bedroom. Your daddy was still sleeping soundly. I crawled onto the bed and shook him. “Josh,” I said, quietly. He didn’t stir. “Josh, honey..” I kept poking him, a little harder and louder. He sat bolt upright in the bed, looking around with sleepy confusion.
“What?! What’s wrong?” he asked, looking around.
I looked at him, and simply said, “I got a positive.”
He looked at me for a moment, and broke out into a grin that almost split his face open. He grabbed me, and said, “We’re PREGNANT!”

We rolled around on the bed and hugged, cried, kissed. We were both so elated to discover that you were with us! We were blissful. We discussed when we wanted to tell everyone. We decided that we just couldn’t wait. It had to be now. We had to share our news with everyone!! We told your gran first. We were going to our nephew’s birthday party later that day, so we had an elaborate plan. We were going to go over to gran’s before the party to ask if she was bringing her camera. Once there, we “suddenly” got the idea that we didn’t have hardly any pictures of just her and I together, so we insisted that she and I take one together! She just thought it was the sweetest thing.

So she and I posed together while Josh took the picture. He said, “1,2,3, say ‘cheese'” and we did. Then he looked at the viewfinder, and said, “Aw, that one didn’t turn out. Let’s try another one.”
So we did, and this time, he said, “OK 1,2,3, say ‘Natalie’s pregnant!'”

It took a second for your gran to react, and when she did, we snapped the picture and got her reaction. She said, “ARE YOU REALLY?!” and I just nodded with a smile. She was so excited about you! Just like we were.

We told everyone throughout the course of the day at the party. I will never, ever forget everyone’s individual reactions. Those are memories that I will cherish forever. I called your other grandmother, my mom, that night and called your grandfather, my dad and your uncle Drew, my brother the next morning. I told all my coworkers the next morning too.

Little one, the 20 days that I was your mommy were the best days of my life. Being your mommy was the greatest honor that I’ve had bestowed upon me in my (nearly) 25 years of life. I feel blessed and priveledged that I was able to help a little miracle such as yourself along, even if for not very long. I wish that our time together hadn’t been cut so short. I wish that I would have gotten to meet you this August; that I was able to hold you, feed you, sing you to sleep. Unfortunately I never will. I just hope that in the time that you shared my body, somehow you were able to feel how much you were loved, by me, by your daddy, and by everyone around us. I was in love with you from the moment I knew you were there, sweetheart. And I will always love you, now and forever.