mark.

Hmm. Well, I didn’t really forsee this. It’s kind of a spontaneous thing.

I’m now registered to sell mark. cosmetics. mark. is kind of an offshoot of Avon.

I used to sell Mary Kay a few years ago, and it wasn’t really for me. Mary Kay is very pushy, very sales-oriented and the products are WAY TOO EXPENSIVE. My starter kit for M.K. was $100. The starter kit for mark. is just $20. So…. I decided, why not? If nothing else, it gives me a discount on makeup that is already reasonably priced.

So, if you would, spread the word, and visit my estore! mark. has a lot of really fun makeup products; they have dual-ended lipgloss/mascara that you can customize with whatever colors you’d like, we have skin care, clothing, and even jewelry! I’m looking forward to seeing where this whole thing takes me.

My mark. Store!

When You Least Expect It

I just had someone over the internet, in response to me making a comment on how I’ve been trying for a baby almost a year, that “it will probably happen when I least expect it”.

Now, this is a common phrase that people who have not been through any form of infertility problems will utter in response to something like that, thinking that it is helpful or encouraging. It’s always been something that irritated me, and I think I finally figured out why.

It will happen when you least expect it.

Well, that sucks, because when you are “trying”, you are ALWAYS expecting it.



Yep.

It’s Friday, I’m In Love!

My mood has vastly improved from last week. Like, a lot. It’s nice!

So it’s Friday! I’m very excited. I missed my usual Friday ritual, which is “Flush the Format” on Kid Kraddick in the Morning. There’s a national radio station called Kid Kraddick (you may have it on a local radio station in your city) and every Friday at 7:00 A.M. (EST) they “Flush the Format”. They take calls, and if you request a song and they have it, they’ll play it. On any given Friday, you can hear songs like “Paper Planes” followed by “Before He Cheats” and then “Baby Got Back”. It’s literally anything goes, and it always makes my Friday start out great.

Josh drove me to work this morning so we left later than usual and we missed FTF. But it’s all good. I’ve recently discovered a new internet addiction; blip.fm
Think Twitter, but with music. It’s really addicting so beware.

My aunt (who lives in my hometown in Chicago) called me out of the blue last night. Hubby and I recently went to Chicago for Christmas this past year and had a really good visit; reconnecting with my family and whatnot.
Anyway she called, just said she was thinking about me, etc. I could tell that she was sounding kind of hesitant and whatnot and finally, she was like, “Nat, I just wanted to say that I know that you’re going to have kids one day, I just know it.”
And I just kind of smiled and let her talk. She went on saying how she didn’t know if she was getting too personal, and how she knows it’s been hard, and that there are so many options out there nowadays for couples who have troubles. I thanked her, and told her that we both really appreciated her support. She said again that she didn’t want to cross any lines or anything but she just wanted me to know that. I told her that it meant a lot that so many people out there are rooting for us.

We chatted for a few minutes after that, I asked her how everyone was doing. My youngest cousin (who is 20, I can’t even believe that) changed her majors and is now majoring in English. I’m really proud of her, and think that it’s a great major for her. She’s been writing poetry for a few years now and I’ve read some of her stuff on various blogs. She’s really good, and has a knack for writing. It was really nice in particular to see her this past visit, and get to know her as an adult. I’ve had a hard time getting the pig-tailed, chubby 8 year old image of her out of my head. Growing up and seeing those around you grow up is a very strange thing.

Date Night was great last night! I enjoyed Supernatural, and am glad that they went the way they did. I won’t spoil it here in case you’re at all interested in watching.

I’m going to try and get some work done. I have a problem with Fridays; my motivation waxes and wanes and I have a hard time focusing. I actually wrote an article about it:
My Love/Hate Relationship With Fridays

I don’t care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday – heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It’s Friday, I’m in love!

Monday, you can hold your head

Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday – watch the walls instead
It’s Friday, I’m in love! ~ Friday, I’m In Love by the Cure

Relaxation and Date Night

So, I have no idea what cycle day I am on.

I have no idea what position my cervix is in.
I have no idea how close, or far away from ovulation I am.

And I couldn’t feel better about it.

Really.

I’m not popping those silly Origin horse pills, just my normal prenatal with breakfast. I’m not sitting here holding in my pee, waiting until noon until I can take an OPK. I’m not obsessing over the quality of my cervical mucous, and stressing about making time to have sex tonight.

Tonight is date night with the husband, and that means probably going out to eat, and then settling in at home for Smallville and Supernatural! Both episodes are going to be new tonight, WOO HOO!!!!! Very exciting stuff. I can’t wait! Though I am a little apprehensive about tonight’s Supernatural episode, which is entitled Jump the Shark. Supposedly there’s going to be a new Winchester brother introduced. I’m not sure I’m happy about that, but we’ll have to wait and see.

My husband teases me, saying I only watch Supernatural because I have a crush on one of the actors. I defend myself in saying no, I watch it for the amazing characters, plotlines, and witty dialogue. And it’s true, I do watch for those things. But… You know.. This sure doesn’t hurt:

……………….. I’m sorry, what was I saying?

When the Truth Is… I Miss You.

Hey kiddo,

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything to you.

I’ve been cleaning up our bedroom, organizing and getting rid of a lot of stuff. Did you know that your mommy used to be really skinny? I know, I can hardly believe it myself. While re-organizing my dresser drawers, I opened the dreaded “clothes that I can’t fit into now, but maybe someday will again” drawer. I pulled out pair of jeans; one right after the other and finally had to come to terms with the fact that I think this big ole’ booty of mine is here to stay. I pulled out one pair and literally could not believe it! I was so tiny.

I’ve thrown out a lot of things tonight. Trash, clothes, old jewelry… I was putting something up in the closet when your picture frame caught my eye. Did you know that I still have your picture? I sure do baby. I have the ultrasound picture from when we saw your precious little heartbeat. Just three days before I had to say goodbye to you. I cried when I saw that little fluttering. I was so happy to see you. I keep that picture in a frame that has little baby footprints on it and says “Watching You Grow, Loving You So”. You were so tiny…. I cherish that picture.
Just as I was looking at it, the song “Warning Sign” by Coldplay came on. While the song lyrics are not all reflective of how I feel about you, one part in particular is…

When the truth is,

I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

I pulled your picture frame down and took your picture out. As the song played, I sat on the bed and began to cry and remember how wonderful it was to be your mommy. I hugged your picture and gave it a kiss. I’m so grateful that I got the chance to see your little flickering heart. My tiny, sweet little heart.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I still think about you every single day. I miss you every single day. Your daddy does, too. I wish I had gotten to meet you, green bean. I wish that things had turned out differently and that instead of sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, that I was holding you, or playing with you, or singing you to sleep. It’s hard to believe that you would be just a little over 8 months old now. What color would your hair be? Would there be a lot? Would you have a mop full of curls, like both your daddy and I did? I wish I could watch you as you learned to roll over, sit up, crawl. Watch you take your first few wobbly steps; standing there looking amazed in your shirt and diaper with your pokey little tummy and your chubby little legs. I wish I could have heard you laugh.

I love you baby. More than anyone – save for your daddy – will ever know, I think. Did you know? I hope you did. Know that I love you, forever, and I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Weekend Update

I had a very enjoyable weekend, indeed. On Friday night the husband and I went out with two of our best friends to eat at Ruby Tuesday. I had a cosmopolitan (because they were having drink specials, I’m not prone to drinking them. Actually it was the first time I’d ever had one and it was really strong) and a Blue Moon, and a cheeseburger which was amazing and I didn’t feel bad about eating it.

We killed some time at Petsmart afterward because our friends wanted to go to buy things to spoil their cats with and I went and cooed over the kitties and then Deborah and I developed an elaborate plan to sneak back after hours and bust all the cats out and rescue them. But then we realized that both of our husbands would kill us if we did that, so we just said sorry to the cats and left.

After that we watched Observe and Report which seemed like a good movie to see but in hindsight, it wasn’t really because it made me remember that I don’t really like Seth Rogan very much. I liked him in Pineapple Express but that was about it. Oh, and he was tolerable in Zack and Miri. I guess he just bugs me because he’s the exact. same. character. in everything he’s in. Also, he made some kind of comment about how he hates kids and I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. I just chose to assume he was and now I dislike him that much more. Anyway, the movie was OK, it made me laugh a few times but the more I think about it, the less I like it.

On Saturday I got together with the girls from chorus that I’m starting a quartet with. We’re still missing one part; a bass. We picked out some songs that we’d like to learn, visited a music store and then went our separate ways. Saturday night was Warhammer night, and it was much fun all around. We got attacked by giant spiders and my character, Alarica got bitten and paralyzed and spun into a gross spider coccoon. But she busted out and killed the spiders with her magic because she’s pretty badass. Then we fought beastmen. Unfortunately she inflicted Tzeentch’s Curse three times. Tzeentch’s Curse is something that happens when you roll doubles or triples when casting magic in the game. Since my character is a magister, she uses magic for pretty much all of her combat so this happens relatively frequently -at least once a game, I’d wager – considering I use two dice to cast with. So she managed to inflict the Curse three times. Nothing horrible happened; her eyes turned white for eight hours, she glowed green like a piece of radioactive rock for about a minute and then her hair stood on end for ten seconds. Once you level your character up and cast with three dice, it gets a little riskier because if you roll triples the Curse gets much, much worse. Like, death and demons worse.

Wow, I just reread all of that and it sounds really geeky/crazy. But that’s okay, because if you’re reading this and you know me at all you know that I am a little bit of both, so it’s all good.

Yesterday Josh and I were just hanging out when we got the idea to see what was playing at the cheap theater. We ended up going out there on a whim to catch a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I have been wanting to see it for a while, so we paid $6.00 total for our tickets and went to see it. Never again will we purchase concessions from that theater, because we spent a lot of money on popcorn, soda, and candy.
The movie was fantastic. The special effects were breathtaking, and really amazing. I absolutely loved the movie. I’ve been reading the short story in installments on my phone, and was amused to find that the similarities between the story and the movie are slim to none. They definitely took some creative liberties with the movie, but I’m glad that they did because the movie story was far more interesting and complex than that of the short story.

All in all, it was a good weekend. It’s kind of nice to be thinking of things other than my cervical mucous, whether or not I should have a cup of coffee or if a beer would be OK…. I think that this little “shift of focus” is going to be good for us.

Lurkers

Hi there.

I know that you’re reading my blog.

That’s fine. It doesn’t bother me.

However, just because I misuse a term in a psychological diagnosis does not make me ignorant. I am far from ignorant.

You know who you are, and if you wish to continue reading my blog, be my guest. If I cared who read my blog, I’d make it private.

We all have our pet peeves, and one of mine is being judged for something I’m not.

That’s all.

No Place is Safe…..

From the SURVEY! MUAH HA HA. MINE IS AN EVIL LAUGH.

A – Age: 25
B – Bed: In my bedroom
C – Chore you hate: FOLDING LAUNDRY. UGH.
D – Dogs: None, though my husband wants one. BAD.
E – Essential start your day item: Oxygen
F – Favorite color: Lilac/light purple
G – Gold or Silver: Silver
H – Height: Hobbit (5’3″)
I – Instruments you play: My voice is my instrument (and yes, I’m serious)
J – Job title: Officially? Billing Specialist. Unofficially? Assistant Manager. I have all the responsbility without the title/pay.
K – Kids: No earth babies yet. I have one little one that wasn’t meant for this world; my Green Bean.
L – Living arrangements: Married
M – Mom’s name: Susan
N – Nicknames: Nat, Honey, Nattiboombatti (my coworker refers to me as such sometimes)
O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Errr… No.
P – Pet Peeve: Perpetual lateness (SERIOUSLY. IT’S JUST RUDE.), bigotry and narrow-minded people
Q – Movie Quote: “Talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker, only says ‘ficus’.”Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
R – Right or left handed: Right
S – Siblings: One brother, two brothers-in-law, two sisters-in-law
T – Time you wake up: 5:45 A.M. on days that I work
U – Underwear: Present and accounted for
V – Vegetable you dislike: Asparagus
W – Why Not: Because my butt hurts
X – X-rays you’ve had: Uh, I’d say less than five.
Y – Yummy food you make: This chicken stuff with peppers and onions, and soy sauce and season salt.. It’s hard to explain but it’s delicious.
Z – Zoo favorite: Either dolphins or otters. Anything cute and amazing.

What?!

What the heck? I just logged into my blog to look at my “blogs I’m reading” list, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, it says I’m not following any blogs.

I’m following at LEAST TEN. What gives?!?!

Mom

Well the talk with my mom went fine last night. I just kind of scratched the surface, and let her know why I’m distant with her. My past with my mother is definitely messy. My mom is a mentally ill person, and has caused me a lot of pain and grief in the past. I am still very wary and skittish of her, and will be for a long time.

She’s recently gone through some physical trauma (she developed some kind of tissue disorder pretty much as soon as she moved down here last May and ended up having her fingers amputated from the first knuckle up on both hands) which in turn agitated her mental problems and made it difficult for me to be around her. I made it clear to her that because of our history and the things she put me through as a teenager, I had to distance myself because she was so close in physical proximity now. I told her that I understood she’d been through a lot lately, but just because she happened to have some bad things occur didn’t change the fact that I had to maintain my boundaries and keep a safe emotional distance from her.

My relationship with her may always be shaky at best. She is a nearly impossible person to have a healthy relationship with as she contributes little to nothing to a relationship. I know that she loves me, but my relationship with her will never be that of a mother/daughter. I told her that she really has no right to pull the “mom card” with me (i.e., “I worry about you because I’m your mother”, or “Oh, I’m a mom, that’s just what moms do”) because she hasn’t been a mother to me since I was 11 years old. Nothing will change the fact that she gave birth to me but in my eyes, that is where her role as a mother ended. It has been so long since she has been my mother, in fact, that I don’t really even remember her being one.

I know what a lot of you may be thinking:
How can she be so cold and distant toward her own mother when her mom has been through such a hard time physically? I mean, she had half her fingers amputated for crying out loud! I’d be at my mother’s side in a second!

And if you do happen to be thinking this, rest assured, the woman who is my mother is extremely emotionally toxic. She is manipulative, she is negative, and she is mentally ill. I would go so far as to call her borderline manic-depressive/bi-polar. My teenage years with her were an emotional hell, and I will never go back there, nor will my husband be subjected to it. And my kids sure as HELL will never be subjected to it.

She was doing well last night, and the visit was relatively pleasant. I was able to talk to her and say the things that I needed to say right then, but also chat about more mundane and less deep things. She was having a good day, which was nice. The thing about my mom is that her emotions roller-coaster so much. She will be totally normal and fine one day, and the next she will literally be crazy. I could not handle that as a youth, and I cannot and will not handle that now.

So, that’s that for now. We’ll see where things go from here in regards to her.