When I sit in my chair at my desk, my lower back becomes uncomfortable.

When I sit on the couch at home for too long, my lower back becomes uncomfortable.

When I sleep on my side, my arms fall asleep and my hip…. Becomes uncomfortable.

I think I am officially reaching the stage in this pregnancy where my “honeymoon trimester” is coming to a close and the “PLEASE GET THIS BABY THE HELL OUT OF ME” trimester is taking its’ place.

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved being pregnant. Aside from the morning upchuck rituals from weeks 6-13, my pregnancy has been relatively easy. But now I am becoming increasingly slow and fat. I’m actually relatively certain that I now have my own gravitational pull which is comfirmed by a friend who joked that I should “go as a globe for Halloween”. I think my response was “suck it, asshole”. In fact, when someone who hasn’t seen me for a few weeks gets a glimpse of me now, their first response is to yelp, “HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE HUGE.” To which I nod solemnly and remind them that I still have 3 months to go.

I don’t mind being huge, really I don’t. I’ve waited for this for so long, I really do cherish every moment of this pregnancy. But I sure would like to be able to sit without feeling like someone is pulling the muscles of my lower/upper back and ass apart, eat without the fear that whatever I am eating will cause acid to bubble from my stomach and burn the lining of my esophagus off, and I sure would like a night where I’m not getting up every 3 hours to expell three squirts of urine from my bladder.

Oh, and also, I’m going to be giving birth in about 3 months time. This means that something that is approximately the size of a canteloupe is going to be pushing, tearing, and forcefully making its’ way from my vagina; the opening of which is most certainly NOT the size of a canteloupe. I’m not Jenna Jameson, after all. ZING.

Also, this baby is stubborn. She is probably the most stubborn baby in the world, and I say this because of the way she moves. Around week 23, I started feeling her a lot. She’d kick me so hard I thought my cervix was going to fall out of my vagina and land on the floor, and then I’d have to explain to whomever was unfortunate enough to witness that event what the hell that was, and why it was sitting there, all weird lookin’ and gross. I would then probably have to help them clean up the pile of vomit that resulted in discovering what was lying on the floor before them, which would probably make me vomit, because let’s face it. Vomit is gross.
Anyway, back to why my child is stubborn. Did I mention that pregnancy is also making me ridiculously spacey and absent-minded? Yeah.
So now Nellie has taken to playing the “let’s give mom just a few kicks a day to keep her happy” game. Mom likes to be kicked. A lot. Pops, bumps, kicks; bring it on, kiddo. The more, the better. Nellie has decided that a few bumps, kicks, and punches here and there are sufficient. And heaven forbid if mom, dad, or anyone else tries to put their hands on the belly to feel her from the outside. She could be doing a damn Riverdance in there and the second someone’s hands grace the stretched skin of my stomach, she stops. IMMEDIATELY. I’m not kidding. It’s like a switch being flipped. I can imagine her in there, floating around with this big grin on her face. Little booger. She really does know how to freak me out. I’ll start worrying about her after not feeling anything for a few hours, so naturally I will poke, prod, shake and wiggle to try and get her to move. I will not feel a damn thing. I will repeat this process for approximately five minutes. Nada. Once I stop, ten minutes later she’ll kick me a few times as if to say, “See? I move on MY time, mom. NOT YOURS. I am not a trained monkey.”

Sigh. Either my kid is going to be a stubborn nightmare, or she’s going to be the most mellow and chill baby ever. Maybe this kid just isn’t very hyper. My guess is that she’s stubborn considering who she came from.

This entry got really long and rambly. Did I mention that this baby has sapped all of my brain cells and left me with, like, two? Babies eat brain cells.

Like zombies.