My Thoughts on Twilight

It’s FRIDAY! Hooray! I love Fridays so much. More than is natural, I think. I have an obscene love for Fridays.

So I saw this crazy ass thing on the news this morning. As I am sure you are already aware, New Moon came out at midnight last night. I’m actually sort of afraid to say “New Moon” out loud for fear that I will be assaulted by shrieks and screams by teenaged girls (or grown up women) who materialize out of nowhere just from hearing the words strung together. I know many, many women who are fans of the series. I myself have read the books. I have seen Twilight (pirated copy, I never would have paid money to see that sad excuse for a film) and will only be seeing New Moon (*cringes*) if I am given a copy to watch.

I was watching the news this morning, and the local channel had footage from the movie theatre from last night’s midnight showing. THERE WERE SCREAMING TEENAGERS EVERYWHERE. I mean LINES AND LINES OF THEM. I don’t think I was even aware of the fact that many teenaged girls EXISTED in this city. And they were all sitting around, squealing and shrieking. You would have thought that Edward freaking Cullen WAS ACTUALLY THERE by the sounds of them.

Then they interviewed this one woman, who looked approximately my age (25). She said that up until earlier that day, she had been in the hospital.

BEING TREATED FOR PNEUMONIA.

And she CHECKED HERSELF OUT OF THE HOSPITAL and drove AN HOUR AND A HALF TO COME SEE THE PREMIERE OF NEW MOON.

I’m sorry, WHAT?! I was under the impression that this was opening night of the film; not, “IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE AT MIDNIGHT IT’S GOING TO VANISH FOREVER”.

I mean honestly, SHE CHECKED HERSELF OUT FROM THE HOSPITAL WHEN SHE HAD PNEUMONIA. Pneumonia KILLS PEOPLE! Is watching Robert Pattinson skulk around on screen for two hours worth RISKING YOUR LIFE? Are you going to explode into a pile of goo if you don’t see Kristen Stewart and her hair (and her horrible, HORRIBLE acting) whining and crying over Edward and Jacob PRECISELY AT MIDNIGHT?

I apologize if I offend anyone who enjoys the Twilight saga. As I said, I’ve read the books. All of them. And while I was reading them, I enjoyed them. But the more I got to thinking about them the less I liked them. My experience with Twilight is something I equate with eating a double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s. You pick up the burger, and you know it’s bad for you. You just know that you shouldn’t eat that cheesburger but you’re going to anyway. While you’re eating it, you’re in heaven. It’s food bliss; the taste erupts in your mouth and is just full of deliciousness.

About halfway through the burger, you start to realize that it’s not as great as that first bite but you can’t stop eating it now. So you continue. You munch and slurp and chomp on that burger until it’s gone, and immediately upon finishing it you feel a sense of regret not only because you just consumed approximately a day’s worth of calories, but because it is sitting in your stomach; a greasy pit of meat and cheese. You start to feel worse as the minutes roll by. That once-tasty treat begins to form an undigestible, fast-food lump in your intestines and you feel sick and unhappy. The more the food sits in your belly, the more you wish you’d never eaten it.

That is what reading Twilight (and the following books) was like for me. While I was reading them, I devoured them hungrily. Not because the writing was good (because it was probably one of the worst-written things I’ve ever read) and not because the characters were particularly compelling (I’d like to push Bella Swan down a flight of stairs) but because it was so bad, it was good. It wasn’t until I got to Breaking Dawn and all of the various WTF plot twists in it that the books started to turn sour for me. Breaking Dawn was like that last bite of big, fat greasy burger that started making me feel sick. After reading all four books, I realized that I actually kind of hated the entire series. There is almost nothing positive I can find to say about it. Except that I kind of liked Jacob. And think that Bella’s a moron for choosing Edward.

But all sarcasm and snark aside, I think that the relationship between Bella and Edward is a really unhealthy one. I think it teaches young girls who read the series that being codependent, helpless and needy is an OK trait to have when trying to land yourself a boyfriend/husband. Bella literally cannot function without Edward (as is displayed in New Moon). She practically goes catatonic without him. That’s not love. Edward is ridiculously overly protective of Bella; to the point where it’s borderline abusive and controlling. Bella is clumsy, accident-prone, and completely idiotic. She is such a horrible role model for young women. Shouldn’t we be teaching the young ladies in the world that you can be strong, independent and stand on your own two feet WITHOUT the aid of your sparkly, immortal boyfriend?

Okay, my Twilight rant is over. Again, I apologize if you read the series and like it. This is just my opinion, so please don’t take too much offense to it. I’m not personally attacking anyone who likes the series. I myself enjoyed it while reading it. I just didn’t happen to like the aftertaste it left in my mouth once the books were consumed. I will leave you with one more piece of snark, which makes me snicker uncontrollably.

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