WTF IS THAT?! Also Known As: My First Lactation Scare

I try to be a good little pregnant lady and intake plenty of water. To aid me in my quest, I employ the help of a pink refillable Eddie Bauer water bottle, because I care about the earth and shit.

This pink refillable Eddie Bauer water bottle is fab, except for one small problem:
It leaks like a MoFo.

I had just filled up my bottle and sat my big fat pregnant ass down to take a drink when I remembered that I needed to pick a copy I had made up from the back. With a sigh, I heaved my orca-like body out of the chair, took a swig of my delicious (ha, ha) water and headed in the back to retrieve said copy. I was standing back there, looking at the dreary day that was outside the window and for some reason I looked down. On my chest, I saw a big round wet spot.

My thought was: HOLY SHIT, I AM LACTATING. FOR THE FIRST TIME. AT WORK. WHAT THE HELL. WHY?! OF ALL THE PLACES, WHY?!

My mind raced through solutions to the problem before anyone noticed that I was leaking milk from my chest like a neglected cow. I was about to cross my arms over my chest and put on a sweater when I remembered that I had hastily taken a sip from my leaky water bottle. And because I am pregnant and as a result, A BLEEDING MORON, I didn’t take the time to realize that the wet spot was NOWHERE NEAR MY ACTUAL NIPPLE.

I uttered a hugh sigh of relief and a slight laugh, and like a good mommy blogger, I took a picture of my “not breastmilk” wet spot.

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Comments

  1. Too funny! I remember my first adventure with leakage. Luckily it happened during the night while I was attempting to sleep. I don't remember how far along I was but I know it was towards the end.

  2. Oh man, Evelyn is 3 months old and I am still dealing with leakage issues – mainly in the middle of the night I wake up soaking. Bleh. None during the pregnancy, tho. Good thing it was just your leaky water bottle!

  3. I wanted to add that I now live in Lansinoh disposable nursing pads. I've tried a few other brands (including reusable cloth ones) but these work the best for me!

  4. Natalie- can you come to my house and I will put you on the shelf and you can tell me funny stories like this whenever I want?!Uh…Okay. When I first thought that, it seemed funny.. but in actual words.. it just sounds creepy. But I will leave it anyway.

  5. KarmaPearl says:

    Tracy – I'm still holding my breath, waiting for the leaky nips. So far, so good.Shemaiah – Thanks for the recommendation! I will keep those in mind!Michelle – I would, if I didn't have to work and eat and pee and stuff. Maybe I could build you a dummy that looks like me, and record some funny stuff for me to say. That might be even creepier than actually having me sit there on a shelf. Also, my big fat ass would probably break your shelf.

  6. HeeHee!! Funny story!! :-)

  7. You are really funny.I didnt have any lactation issues until after I gave birth. But I do have some funny breastfeeding-a-newborn-infant stories…

  8. Surprisingly, I have leaked in the exact same spot as your water spot many of times. I never leaked when I was pregnant but the leaking start when Claire was 4-5 days old. Still to this day I can wake up soaking wet or find myself leaking at random times of the day – even with pads on! It's an adventure for sure!

  9. You are hillarious! I love it

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