Rescuing the Orca AKA Getting My Big Fat Pregnant Ass Outta Bed

Greetings, readers! I’ve recovered from my long weekend, and am back to my beloved blog. I will probably post my weekly baby update/belly picture tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment. I completely missed last week. Whoops. Bad blogger! In the meantime, enjoy my latest post.. All about getting my big fat ass out of bed.

I had once been told by a friend of mine who had been pregnant with twins that in order to get out of her bed once she had gotten big, she had to grab onto the headboard and roll herself off. This was in early pregnancy, when my baby belly was simply a dream to me. I, of course, laughed at the visual and figured that it was something that happened solely to women carrying multiples.
Oh, how very… very wrong I was.
I have since learned the error of my way of thinking; as I, too have become one of the Pregnant Launchers. You can’t really explain it to someone who hasn’t ever been pregnant. I don’t think even being overweight or obese can compare, because to my knowledge, fat moves. Baby stomach… Does not move. It’s like a boulder that you get strapped to your middle; one that is constantly there, constantly in the way. An immovable, round barrier that bars you from doing normal activities. Like.. Tying shoes. Sitting close to a table (resulting in mama constantly dropping food onto the “shelf”). Bending over. Hugging your husband/partner properly. Hugging ANYONE properly. Breathing well. Passing by people in a restaurant behind their chairs to get to the bathroom. And, of course, getting out of bed.
Yes, you can still get out of bed but not without a lot of noise and to-do. At least, I can’t.. And I’m honestly and truly not that big. Of course, I am 37 weeks pregnant but I’m not that big. No, I’m not in denial. I’ve had a couple people tell me I’m not that big, thank you very much. Since a little over mid-pregnancy, I’ve embraced the glories and wonders of the body pillow. It’s not a fancy, expensive pregnant-lady body pillow but a $10 one from Wal-Mart that I stole from the couch when I started getting uncomfortable. I cannot sleep without my body pillow. I’m a side-sleeper by nature so transitioning to side-sleeping only was never a problem for me… Getting used to sleeping draped awkwardly over a pillow, however, did take a little time getting used to. Not to mention the fact that I can’t freaking snuggle with my husband anymore, which SUCKS.
I digress. I can never stay comfortably asleep on one side for more than an hour or two at a time before I have to roll over. I used to try and just roll over and go right back to sleep, but it took so much adjusting, grunting and tossing of the pillow I just gave up and began shifting sides whenever I had to pee (which, coincidentally enough happens to be every 2-3 hours). I normally start out sleeping on my right side, embracing the body pillow for dear comfort. Upon my first waking, I have to begin the Ritual of the Rolling. Taking care not to launch my feline companions that are snug at the foot of the bed, I’ll pull the covers off. Then, I’ll drag the body pillow completely out from under the covers, fling it off the bed and give a little sigh. Next comes the heaving. I will roll ever-so-slightly to the right to get my momentum going, and then roll as hard as I can the opposite direction, flailing my arms and legs to get as much leverage off the bed as possible. I’m amazed that my husband does not wake each and every time from the amount of movement and noise that comes from me when I get out of bed. Once I’m in a sitting position (wincing from the groin and pelvic pain), I’ll hoist myself up off the bed to a standing position with much more noise and effort, and shuffle awkwardly to the restroom.
After I’ve done my business, I will get back into bed, snag my body pillow from the floor and switch to my left side. I’ll nestle the pillow properly where I like it, cover myself back up, and wait to fall asleep.
This process will repeat in 2 or 3 hours. I have seriously considered installing some form of rigging to the bed that will simply lift me out; like one of those big ass crane/sling things they use to rescue whales from the shore when they’ve become beached.

Yeah, that thing.

Just call me Shamu, baby. Just call me Shamu.

Comments

  1. I got into the habit of rolling myself in a similar fashion and after the c-section I had to continue to do it to avoid splitting pain in my middle… now, I still do it… and I have no excuse. I still grunt too. Huh…

  2. Last year at this time I weighed 315+ pounds. (I was too scared to get on the scale until I dieted for a week)This year 9 months pregnant I just crossed 300 again… 302… (Thank you Christmas cookies and chocolate and eggnog! lol)I was fine last year. I could get around. I could easily get off the couch or outta bed. This year. No Ma'am! rolling off the couch or outta bed it is! My big belly before was so not in the way like this baby belly!!!

  3. You pretty much just described, in detail, every evening/night time/morning fiasco that I too deal with. And I've told my husband the same thing "fat moves, baby bellies don't". It's not the same.

  4. Busted Kate says:

    Oh man, that picture made me LMAO. You are too funny!I'm organizing my blog roll, and I'm happily moving you into the "Mom Blogs" category :-) Good luck at your appointment tomorrow!

  5. Oh man, I am already having to slightly heave myself out of bed. I also have the same problem with the pillow placement. Every time I get up to go to the bathroom I have to switch sides and rearrange all my pillows. I hate to say it but it is easier to get comfortable when my husband is working night and I have the bed all to myself. Is that selfish?

  6. Had me laughing outloud, and then REALLY laughing when I saw the picture!

  7. heehee!!I'm so not laughing AT YOU. I'm more laughing "at US," since I know precisely how you feel and my nights are veeeery similar!:-)

  8. At the end with my son I had trouble getting in and out of bed. Thank God that only goes on at the end of pregnancy.Thanks for stopping by my blog. I started my blog b/c of a miscarriage too. I'm excited to see that you are just about to welcome a new baby girl.

  9. Ah, yes . . . I remember those days. But you are wrong, having been obese at one time, I think I remembered how to maneuver, so it actually wasn't that bad, but what I think you might be talking about is one of those triangular things that hangs above the bed that will let you put up. It'll soon be over and you will miss it. Says me.

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