Hey, Baby, What’s Your Sign?

I got off work early yesterday for my weekly doctor visit. After the appointment was over, I had about two hours to kill before picking Josh up from work. I didn’t feel like driving home, sitting for half an hour and then schlepping all the way back across the river to get him, so I hung around the area. I grabbed some lunch at Jason’s Deli (NOM) and camped out there for about an hour reading Dead As a Doornail. After I had eaten my fill of delicious food, I still had about 45 minutes before I needed to leave. I headed to the mall to walk around in an attempt to coax Nellie out. I really shouldn’t say “walk”, I really should say “waddle/plod”.

So, I waddle/plodded my big ole’ self around the mall. I was approaching an escalator headed up to the 2nd level when a man who looked to be in his thirties approached it at the exact same time. We had one of those, “You go!” “No, you go!” moments. I waved him ahead and he thanked me. I got on the escalator after him. About 5 seconds later he half-turns around and looks at me.
“How far along are you?” he asks.
I pat my belly and respond, “39 weeks.”
“Wow,” he says. “You’re close!” I nodded. He continues.
“So are you going to try it all-natural, or what? Are you going to have an epidural?”
…… Um, okay, random stranger. This is a little odd. I’m not very good at random social interactions with people I don’t know, so I try to be polite.
“I’m going to try it natural.”
He nods. “Right on, right on,” he says. It’s about this time that I realize his speech is a little slurred. I detect a faint hint of alcohol, but I wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination.
“Yeah, we’ll see if I can make it!” I respond cheerfully, hoping that will end the conversation. I’m expecting him to break eye contact, turn back around and spend the rest of the escalator ride in silence.
No luck. He maintains eye contact with me to the point of staring. Then he speaks again.
“So, is the daddy around? I mean, his he in your life?”
Wait. Just. A. Minute.
I’m not a very observant woman, especially when it comes to the affections of men. I’m not used to being flirted with or hit on. I don’t know if I just give off a very “don’t even try it” vibe or what. I know I’m not the most beautiful girl ever, but I’m certainly not UN attractive. My husband insists that I’ve always just been oblivious to attention I receive from the opposite sex and write flirting off as just the guy being nice. HOWEVER, even I can’t really ignore this one.
I am being hit on. He is trying to pick me up. I have my unwashed hair in a bun, ZERO MAKEUP on my face, my shirt has stains from dribbling the chili I had for lunch on it, and I am roughly the size of a small third-world country… And this man is asking if I have a dude in my life. Really, guy? REALLY? What if I had said, “No, the daddy isn’t around. It’s just me.” Would he have swept me off my swollen cankles in a grand gesture of chivalry? Offered to take me to dinner? Be my baby’s daddy? I hesitated for a split second, and continued to be polite. I even chuckled.
“Oh, yes, he’s at work. I’m just killing time before I have to go pick him up.”
Mr. “I Love Fatties” faltered for a second before saying, “Oh right on, right on. Well that’s great. Ya’ll just stick together and everything will be great!”
Thanks for the advice.
It was the longest and most awkward escalator ride in the history of long and awkward escalator rides. I was so taken aback by this exchange and so surprised that, in the immortal words of Clark W. Griswold, “If I had woken up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet”, I couldn’t have been more surprised than I was at that moment. I supposed a part of me was flattered that someone would hit on me, even in my present planet-like state. I texted roughly half my friends and regaled them with my tale.
Why is it only the weirdos ever hit on me? It’s not like I’m available and would, you know, act on an advance a man made toward me but just once… Couldn’t I be hit on by a guy who wasn’t drunk, high, or 65 years old and wearing a Members Only jacket? Please?

Comments

  1. I just thought of something…are you still wearing your wedding band right now?

  2. That's awesome. After watching my wife go through it, I now think pregnant women are sexy. (as with all things, not all of them) Good luck going natural. Don't be ashamed or feel like you let yourself down if you need drugs. Be open to them if you need it. A friend that tried without drugs told us that right before we had the baby. That was not a problem for us. My wife would have taken the epidural in the car if they offered it.

  3. Bekah's World says:

    Wow! That's insane! Silly drunk men!

  4. Omg, I can't believe he was hitting on you! I mean not that I think you aren't worthy of being hit on (you are) but still….that was hilarious. :-)

  5. I kind of wish you did say the father wasn't around…I'd love to hear how that one played out.

  6. Saw your comment on CakeWrecks today. Had to laugh because I was thinking the same thing. My son was born at Erlanger. Best of luck to you!

  7. That is HILARIOUS!!! Maybe he didn't have kids and wanted some. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  8. Man that is funny! The last time we were at the mall my sister got hit on my a man that had his grandchildren with him! Pretty freaking hilarious if you ask me! I got asked the other day by some girls that work with me if 1. the father was around (hello I wear my wedding band all the time) 2. if he had any other children and 3. if I had applied for WIC yet? What kind of random questions are those. Those were their first questions about the pregnancy. Some people you just gotta wonder! So soon and you get to meet little Nellie! GO Nellie GO!!!!!

  9. Awww . . . but I loved how he encouraged you and your husband to stick together and all would be alright . . . !

  10. HI larious! Thanks for the good laugh! Congratulations on your baby! Stopping by from SITS.

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