Surviving.




Hi y’all, I’m Blair. You can usually find me over at Heir to Blair where I’m talking about cupcakes, my sex life, & this little blonde kid named Harrison. When Natalie contacted me & asked me to guest blog, I was BEYOND excited. We share very similar stories, but ones of hope, courage, & a happy ending for both of us. So we decided that I should blog about what we have most in common, what we both know & maybe help someone else have a little hope. Because as Natalie says, it does spring eternal.

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On September 30, 2008, I peed on a stick & found out I was pregnant with our first child.

On November 22, just four days shy of the second trimester, I lost my baby.

I know – it’s a depressing way to start off a guest blog, especially with Nellie smiling so sweetly throughout this blog. But it is important to tell you that I lost my baby, that it broke my heart completely, because the key point is:

I SURVIVED. And so will you.

I survived. I survived the nights when I felt so empty down to my core that I wanted to rip out my uterus & stomp on it for betraying me. I survived the “black mark” on my fertility. & I survived the “sensitive cervix” stamped in red all over my chart – fighting back as only I know how with sarcasm & irony – with a cervix that refused to dilate even in labor.

I SURVIVED. And so will you.

Some days, I survived because my husband held me & told me it was okay to be sad & afraid. Some days, I survived because my girlfriends brought our faith to the conference table for a frank heart-to-heart. Sometimes, if we’re being honest, I survived with a fifth of gin & a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies.

BUT I SURVIVED. And so will you.

When I became pregnant with Harrison, I had survived a miscarriage. But I wasn’t sure I could survive the fear of pregnancy – the fear of losing this new baby, of EVERYTHING being out of my control. I felt choked by fear that I wound not survive this pregnancy, even after two incredible ultrasounds.

Until I realized EVERYTHING WAS OUT OF MY CONTROL.

& submitted to that truth. It didn’t matter if I stayed 5 feet away from all deli meat. Or if I never had sex with my husband after conception. Or if the pizza I indulged in had trace finger-tip-full amounts of feta in an entire slice. It was out of my control and there was very little I could do that would “shake a good pregnancy.” Harsh words, but true. & more importantly, there was very little I could do to keep a pregnancy that was not supposed to be viable. Even harsher words. The first time my mother said them to me, I cried. Until I realized, she SPOKE THE TRUTH. & slowly, I relaxed. I ate grilled hot dogs. I drank the acceptable amount of caffeine. I went for a few jogs. & on October 14, 2009, I gave birth to the most amazingly handsome blonde boy.

We survived.

& so will you.

Comments

  1. Mama Pea says:

    Dammit Blair this is not the first time you've made me tear up.

  2. Yes, many of us have survived, whether we wanted to or not. The scar will always be there. You are forever changed. Find hope, and help, in friends, religious beliefs, or margaritas. Maybe I'll have to join you with the gin Blair.

  3. Surviving. Yup. I lost mine in the NICU but the theme's the same. You're right – you do survive and when you finally make it out the other end, the reward is more enchanting than you'd ever have expected. Well that's how I feel anyway.

  4. You've been nominated for a blogger award! Check out my blog :)

  5. Double Duty Mommy says:

    I'm a survivor too! Had my 1st miscarriage Feb. 2009 and I was sooo scared when I got pregnant in Oct. We constantly counted the days that went by. Now I'm 6months and couldn't be happier!Thank you for sharing your story with us Blair!We can survive! :)

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