The Outsider

Ever feel like you just don’t fit in?

Yeah, that’s been me my entire life.

Ever since high school, even when I was in social clubs like drama and choir.. I just felt different. Like there was something about me that just didn’t mesh with other teenagers. Was it the fact that I came from THE MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY EVAR? (You can read about the dysfunction in my family on a guest post I’m doing for a friend soon) Perhaps. I had to grow up really quickly so while my friends were chatting excitedly about prom and dresses, I was worrying about whether my mom would be having a good day today. During lunch, while girlfriends were gossiping about their latest crushes I was wondering if she was going to try and commit suicide again. Now.. On the exterior, I was well-liked. When I was in the midst of a rehearsal, or choir practice people loved me. I was the Funny One. The Witty One. In my high school years, people compared me to the likes of Daria and Jeanine Garafalo with my humor. I also had the ability to be bubbly and energetic. Not “AH MAH GAH, BECKY, LOOK AT HER BUTT” cheerleader bubbly but I carried my own special brand of effervescence. But I always felt an underlying feeling of… Just not fitting in.

My feelings of insecurity carried on into my adulthood. When I entered the work force at the tender age of seventeen (a movie theatre) I was convinced none of my coworkers (almost all male) liked me. I had a few female coworkers who I didn’t get along with much. I never have gotten along with the majority of girls; guys just “get me” more. I look back and realize that I was accepted just fine, although I do think that the guys I worked with didn’t quite know what to make of me. We were all very young, and I was what I now know is the “cool chick” that guys like to hang around. I don’t know if they were used to that then. They were used to the girly girls who flipped their hair and snottily refused to clean their counters. Who would bat their eyelashes, and sweetly ask one of the other boys to do it for them. Me? I was scrubbing and dismantling popcorn poppers with the best of ’em. Why should I try and make someone else do for me what I am perfectly capable of doing myself?

I hopped around to a few other jobs. I fit in well as a waitress in a restaurant. I hated the work, of course, but I fit in well with my coworkers. Life changed, I got married, and grew apart from my single female friends (who I wasn’t ever BFF with anyway). I have a handful of good female friends, and one that I consider my best friend no matter how much time goes by in between us seeing each other. She lives in Chicago and her name is Megan.

As an adult, I am very aware of my personality. I don’t try and mold and shape it to whatever I think is appropriate anymore and sometimes, that makes me feel like even more of an outcast. My sense of humor is really, REALLY random and off-the-wall. I quote movies a lot and in a circle of “normal people”, that doesn’t usually fly very well. I try and jokingly throw out a quote and am met with blank stares. Awesome, now I look like a freaky weirdo. I don’t try and quickly recover myself by talking about the latest episode of Dancing With the Stars, because I just don’t give a shit about Dancing With the Stars. I like Supernatural. And Firefly. And Quentin Tarantino. I go on ranty tirades that often have no point and make no sense. I snort when I laugh.

I have a small group of my “geek friends” who get me. Plus my husband. He, of course, gets me better than anyone I’ve ever met. My geek friends and I can throw down with movie quotes. They understand and embrace my randomness and love me for it. They don’t care that I’m loud, horse-laugh, and tell pointless and rambling stories. I love them for that.

Even here, in the blog world I feel like an outsider sometimes. Like I can’t run with the best of them. I feel like that awkward girl all over again in high school. I don’t have a beautiful, cleverly decorated home. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment (which I love because it’s our space) and share one car. Neither my husband nor I are college-educated and we never will be (I have no desire to be). My photography skills are nothing to write home about. I can write, so I think that keeps me in the blogging circle well enough. Sometimes I forget myself and try and be a Joiner. I do the reviews and giveaways (which I have no intention of stopping.. They’re surprisingly fun and anyone who thinks less of bloggers who do them can SUCK IT. THERE I SAID IT. I get free shit, I help others get free shit out of them, and I help companies get exposure where they might not get it without a review. WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE.). I do the cute, weekly “Wordless Wednesday! Thankful Thursday! Mookie Monday!” and whatever else weekly memes are running rampant in the blogosphere. And I forget myself… Why I blog. Why I write.

Because even at twenty-six years old and with high school almost ten years behind me, I still feel insecure though I know that I have a voice in the things I write. My worth as a writer, or as a person, doesn’t lie in how many comments I get on my blog.. How many followers I attain (though it is pretty exciting to see a new face pop up) or how high my Analytics traffic spikes from day to day. It’s really easy to feel lost and unheard in this vast, seemingly endless circle of blogs. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. I try my damndest to reply to my friends’ blogs, even if it’s just a nice, hearty, ‘LOL!’ because it means I’m paying attention. I know how good I feel when I am acknowledged and I want others to feel the same way.

What’s the point of this post? I’m not really sure. Maybe this is just my vulnerable “I’m a real live human being, not just words on a screen” post. I’ve been feeling a little blue lately, and I wonder if it’s a result of being at home with minimal human interaction for the past 12 weeks. I’m starting a part-time job soon which is wonderful. I can’t wait. I get to take Nellie with me, which is even better.

So I guess the point in all of this is that sometimes, I feel just as insecure and just as much of an outsider as I did in high school. I guess those feelings never really do go away, do they?

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Comments

  1. <3I love that you are honest. You rock.Also – do you watch Stargate?!? A and I are busy working our way through SG-1, but we also ocassionally watch Universe. Betcha didn't realize I was a super geek too did you?

  2. You and Michelle are friends… And You and michelle are the most awesome online people I have ever met. I wish I could be your friend HAHA that sounds so dorky but its true. I read many many blogs but I love the 2 of you the best!Ok I know its weird I lumped you 2 together like that but you guys seem the same… Same niceness, same openness, and the same LOVING spirit.You keep me encouraged. I love your blog. I hope you never stop.Now enough of my sappy dorkiness lol

  3. Kimmygintx says:

    *HUGS* I could have almost written this post! I totally think we would get along IRL. ­čśë My DH does the movie-quote thing and stumps me. all. the. time. You're awesome!P.S. I don't think any less of you for doing the giveaways. It never even occurred to me to! :)

  4. Christina says:

    Nope those feelings never go away. I feel that way too at times. I hope your "blue" feeling goes away, and turns to yellow-you know all sunshiny and junk! Haha

  5. I completely know this feeling. My views are not the norm, and I have always been the black sheep of my family. I know I'm liked and loved by plenty, but I'm always different none the less. I even continue to hang in circles where I've been told I'm not wanted. There are things about you that remind me of myself when I was younger; maybe that's why I'm still here, just watching life play out a different way for someone else. :)It doesn't matter what a hundred different people think/say about you, you're you and thats just fine. :)

  6. Sarah Baron says:

    I'm here from the SITS site. Love your story. I think we all feel like outsiders. I have a joke that I am groupless, and I'm going to create a group for the groupless.Your site is lovely. Your writing is wonderful. Don't worry about fitting in. It's better in many ways not to. My site doesn't fit into any categories. And I think that even though I can't be voted for to win any mommy blog awards, that's okay.Keep up the good work. I love outsiders. I love people who are different. It's what makes the world interesting.Take a stop by mine. http://www.anonymous8.com. I'll vote for you. ;)Sarah Baron

  7. Lindsay @ Just My Bl says:

    You sound like a real person. I think everyone feels like that sometimes…or maybe it's just me that feels like that sometimes and I delude myself into believing everyone feels like that sometimes…..Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

  8. I think everyone feels that way, at least sometimes. We love using movie quotes, too! I'll admit that I probably work in a "Goo.nies" quote at least once a week in my life. I think finding friends who 'get' you is so important. We have one "couple" friend(s?) who totally GET us, and vice versa. It's awesome.And, congrats on the PT job. What kind of awesome place will let you bring your baby?? :-)

  9. Wow…I could have totally written this post about my own self. I feel very much like that and have to remind myself that I'm OK and it's OK even if other people don't really get me and that it's OK to not be a joiner…but it can still be a lonely place. P.S. I love Firefly! Mal is my Hero! I'm a huge fan of Battlestar Galactica too.

  10. Kristi Nommensen Dor says:

    I SO get this post. Just sayin'. Also, no, those feelings never do seem to go away. I'm 31 and have been going through a recent blue period myself. Things are hard at home right now for a number of reasons, and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I'm feeling really awkward and uncomfortable a lot. :( Also, my CAPTCHA word to post this comment? Is PEECIDE. If that isn't awkward and uncomfortable, I don't know what is.

  11. Honey B. says:

    I always thought that when I grew up, I would have grown out of that stage…the answer would be no, I'm pretty much as insecure as ever…. But I'm learning. Learning to quit looking at others and be happy with myself….in other words, I have a LOT of learning to do! lol

  12. Yes. All shades of pink, coral, etc.Also, reds, greens (sage), oranges.Even some purples, all golds, most blues…Look at a couple episodes of “What Not To Wear” on TLC or “How Do I Look” on the STYLE network.Good luck!!! +9Was this answer helpful?

  13. I’m not easily impressed. . . but that’s impressing me! :)

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