And the Mother of the Year Award Goes to.. NOT. ME.

Being a working mother is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do.

I thought I’d enjoy being away from Nellie for a few hours.. And it’s not that hard, to be honest. The first day was the worst. The hard part is that the job I’m working is a soul-sucking vampire. But it’s money, and it’s money we HAVE to have or else we cannot pay our bills.

Nellie and I are both in the middle of a meltdown. Josh is at work for the night so I’m on baby duty solo.. I don’t think Nellie got nearly enough nap time at her grandparents’, because for the past two nights when I got her home I fed her and when I tried to rock her to sleep, an epic meltdown commenced. I’m not talking some crying, or even Very Angry Badger.. I’m talking screaming the likes of which I have NEVER seen before. Last night she was shrieking so loudly and so long she was coughing and going hoarse. Thrashing to the point where I had to HOLD her down. FOR THIRTY MINUTES STRAIGHT. I finally got her to calm down and sleep last night. I let her fall asleep on me and then put her in the crib. The second she hit that mattress, she woke up and started screaming bloody murder again. Long story short, after a meltdown on my part which included throwing myself on the bed and shrieking into the pillows from stress, hanging over the crib with one hand on her chest and the other holding the paci in her mouth for 20 minutes until my arms were numb; she FINALLY got to sleep around 9 PM and the rest of the night was okay.

We’re now on night 2 of epic baby meltdown and I was okay for the first 15 minutes or so and then when I put her down and she started to scream again, I lost it. I started to sob. I’m not talking “oh, here come some tears”, I’m talking I was hanging over the crib again SOBBING. I hung over the crib, again, with one arm on her chest and the other holding paci in her mouth. I was “shhhh”ing and telling her it was ok. FOR ALMOST 20 MINUTES, and there was no change in her screaming. I haven’t eaten, because I can’t put her down. I need a shower. I’m currently letting her sleep on me because she desperately needs a good nap. I’m going to attempt bedtime again when she wakes up and isn’t quite as overtired.

I feel like the world’s biggest asshole for handling this so poorly. Why can’t I get it together? Why is her screaming affecting me like this? Why can’t I be happy that I’m back with my baby after being away for 6 hours? I should be smiling that she’s screaming so loud – it means her lungs are healthy! I should be taking her meltdown in stride with a sweet smile on my face as I comfort her lovingly with pats and snuggles. I should be cherishing the fact that she doesn’t want to leave my arms, because one day, she won’t “need” me like this.
At least, that’s how I feel like other moms handle these types of situations. But no, here I am, whining and bitching to my Twitter friends and here on my blog. I should be counting my blessings that I have a healthy baby in my arms; a healthy baby that I wanted for so long. But NO, I’m whining and bitching about how stressed I am from her crying.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is that’s stressing me out so bad. It HAS to be the job. Has to be. I have felt stressed out with her screaming before, but I haven’t been this upset since the early days when she and I were still getting into our “mommy and baby groove” and I was feeling all those postpartum hormones. This has got to be a direct result of this job that I am seriously dreading going back to.

I’m looking down at my baby girl who I’ve let fall asleep in my arms and feeling like a piece of shit. All this child wants is her mommy, and here I am bitching about her screaming and wishing she’d go to bed.