And the Mother of the Year Award Goes to.. NOT. ME.

Being a working mother is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do.

I thought I’d enjoy being away from Nellie for a few hours.. And it’s not that hard, to be honest. The first day was the worst. The hard part is that the job I’m working is a soul-sucking vampire. But it’s money, and it’s money we HAVE to have or else we cannot pay our bills.

Nellie and I are both in the middle of a meltdown. Josh is at work for the night so I’m on baby duty solo.. I don’t think Nellie got nearly enough nap time at her grandparents’, because for the past two nights when I got her home I fed her and when I tried to rock her to sleep, an epic meltdown commenced. I’m not talking some crying, or even Very Angry Badger.. I’m talking screaming the likes of which I have NEVER seen before. Last night she was shrieking so loudly and so long she was coughing and going hoarse. Thrashing to the point where I had to HOLD her down. FOR THIRTY MINUTES STRAIGHT. I finally got her to calm down and sleep last night. I let her fall asleep on me and then put her in the crib. The second she hit that mattress, she woke up and started screaming bloody murder again. Long story short, after a meltdown on my part which included throwing myself on the bed and shrieking into the pillows from stress, hanging over the crib with one hand on her chest and the other holding the paci in her mouth for 20 minutes until my arms were numb; she FINALLY got to sleep around 9 PM and the rest of the night was okay.

We’re now on night 2 of epic baby meltdown and I was okay for the first 15 minutes or so and then when I put her down and she started to scream again, I lost it. I started to sob. I’m not talking “oh, here come some tears”, I’m talking I was hanging over the crib again SOBBING. I hung over the crib, again, with one arm on her chest and the other holding paci in her mouth. I was “shhhh”ing and telling her it was ok. FOR ALMOST 20 MINUTES, and there was no change in her screaming. I haven’t eaten, because I can’t put her down. I need a shower. I’m currently letting her sleep on me because she desperately needs a good nap. I’m going to attempt bedtime again when she wakes up and isn’t quite as overtired.

I feel like the world’s biggest asshole for handling this so poorly. Why can’t I get it together? Why is her screaming affecting me like this? Why can’t I be happy that I’m back with my baby after being away for 6 hours? I should be smiling that she’s screaming so loud – it means her lungs are healthy! I should be taking her meltdown in stride with a sweet smile on my face as I comfort her lovingly with pats and snuggles. I should be cherishing the fact that she doesn’t want to leave my arms, because one day, she won’t “need” me like this.
At least, that’s how I feel like other moms handle these types of situations. But no, here I am, whining and bitching to my Twitter friends and here on my blog. I should be counting my blessings that I have a healthy baby in my arms; a healthy baby that I wanted for so long. But NO, I’m whining and bitching about how stressed I am from her crying.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is that’s stressing me out so bad. It HAS to be the job. Has to be. I have felt stressed out with her screaming before, but I haven’t been this upset since the early days when she and I were still getting into our “mommy and baby groove” and I was feeling all those postpartum hormones. This has got to be a direct result of this job that I am seriously dreading going back to.

I’m looking down at my baby girl who I’ve let fall asleep in my arms and feeling like a piece of shit. All this child wants is her mommy, and here I am bitching about her screaming and wishing she’d go to bed.


  1. Oh hun its so hard I know. It was terribly difficult for me the first month. Audrey would cry and cry at night and I felt awful and unhappy about missing her happy time during the day. 8 weeks later we finally have a routine. it does get better…

  2. Awwww poor Badger!! Please please please don't be so hard on yourself! You are a WONDERFUL mom and so many women go through things like this (my sister in law for example…I don't think my nephew stopped crying for the first 6 months of his life). Not that I know the first thing about what this feels like, but I imagine that it must be EXHAUSTING.

  3. Rose's Daughter says:

    STOP. Take a deep breathe. THere is NOTHING wrong with how you feel. We have ALL been there and will most likely be there again in the near future. Going back to work and then coming home to take care of a little one when you are already mentally exhausted is HARD! You are NOT a bad mommy. You are normal. This is normal. And as my momma told me, this too shall pass.

  4. BabyWid says:

    ((Hugs)) coming your way!

  5. Natalie, I love you. You are funny and witty and sweet. I have to say though–you should probably go talk to your doctor about possible PPD. :( I hope you can take this in stride, and not as an attack of any kind. It's utterly normal to get completely stressed out from time-to-time. But, I am a firm believer that Nellie *feels* that stress. I see why you are stressed for sure, and I'm so sorry you are in this situation with work. There is nothing worse than being stuck at a job you loathe. I'm sure you know that your stress needs to be nipped in the bud though, and talking to your doctor about PPD is probably a good way to start. Because until you can gain a little peace of mind and be able to keep calm yourself, it will be very hard to keep her calm and happy. *HUGS*, my friend!

  6. Kamarine says:

    Oh honey, you're not an asshole. It is hard. It's really fucking hard. Women cry and cry and cry about it all the time. Might be worth talking to grandparents about scheduling a certain amount of sleep time each day. During the process of moving, little Nao and Maddie didn't get their sleep minimum and I don't know who cried more, me or them.One thing that is hard to learn, is sometimes you need time to yourself and its okay. You dont need to feel shitty about it. Especially if your job is shit, you need to unwind and its mostly definitely not a bad thing to want some time to you while Miss Nellie sleeps. Most of all I just wanted to give you some hugs. My heart goes out to you.

  7. I have those days and I am a SAHM. Some days I look at Jensen screaming in my arms and I just laugh because he is being so ridiculous to be so upset over nothing. It's usually fixed by 2 oz of formula and a pacifier stuck sneakily in when he starts to drift and he will fall asleep no problem. But then there are time like this morning where I am literally SCREAMING because I have not had enough sleep, he is up at 4:30 am, and he threw his LAST PACIFIER UNDER THE CRIB WHERE I CANNOT REACH IT!!! AND it's his last pacifier because his father can't remember where he put the other FIVE!! I think the particular job could be making it hard, but working period can also. It's hard when you work all day and then take care of a baby. Most men don't agree, but me and Rob are in perfect agreement, both things are equal amounts of work, and it's hard when no one is there to give you a break. I asked Rob for an hour to myself today when he got home from work and he got SO mad at me because he had worked 10 hours, despite him calling it the easiest job in the world. Because a baby is a TON of work, and when you're tired you can't help but wish they would just sleep or play by themselves for 30 minutes so you can relax! I think Nellie is missing her mom, hence the not wanting to be put down. If you haven't yet, try doing a bath, then ba ba and then bedtime. The bath wears them out and the bottle helps them fall asleep and stay asleep longer. Good luck!!

  8. Don't be so hard on yourself. Believe me when I say WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE. None of us reacted like the moms do in Johnson and Johnson commercials. Any mother — SAHM or working outside the home mom — who says she's never had a meltdown with a crying baby is lying. We've all sobbed as hard as the baby, while we're just begging the baby to please, please just go to sleep. And there have been times when I've left her in her crib screaming and walked into another room just to get a few deep breathes and calm down before going back to her. So don't beat yourself up over being frustrated and stressed. It's a hard job and its doubly hard when your DH is at work and you can't trade off with him. We all feel for you because we've all been there. But we survived and you will, too. Just hang in there and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

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