Motherhood: Four Months In

So I realized I haven’t really posted lately as to how the whole “having an infant” thing has been going. Yes, I’ve had my Big Fat Meltdowns all over the internets.. Which is kind of like going on a drunken texting rampage, and then waking up the next morning and thinking.. “Fuck. Who did I call and what did I say?” Whenever I go on an internet rant where I’m pissed, or emotional I re-read my diarrhea of the mouth the next day or a few hours later and feel supremely embarrassed.

Life with Nellie is challenging, but wonderful. It’s become slightly more challenging now that I’ve added a part-time job into the mix but I’m adjusting. Leaving her isn’t the hardest part. Don’t get me wrong, I miss her, but to be perfectly frank and honest: the break is nice. The fact that I don’t like my job is adding a lot of stress in my life, but Nellie really has nothing to do with that. When she has her meltdowns and de-evolves into Angry Badger, her fits are just the big fat anvil dropped on my already throbbing stress headache.

Nellie will be four months old on the 20th of May. WHAT? I know. It’s effing insanity. I swear to you, it was YESTERDAY that I was standing in a hot shower at one o’clock in the morning thinking, “Okay, these waves I’m feeling aren’t just pressure anymore; they’re pain. Maybe I’m in labor..”
YESTERDAY. Now, my child has full control of her head and neck, squeals and shrieks, and can almost sit up in the Boppy completely by herself without help. She’s taking rice cereal in her bottle and has already graduated from “newborn baby look” to “baby look”. I haven’t taken a weekly video and have been seriously slacking on pictures because our camera ran out of batteries, and we’re on such a tight budget right now they’re just not a priority. I hate that I’m missing out documenting these weeks but food + diapers > batteries.

Nellie has become the World’s Pickiest Napper/Sleeper. Where once she was a champion, now she generally needs very specific means to fall asleep. I am not REAL sure how this happened. She will not fall asleep on her own. Gone are the days where a swing soothed her to sleep. Now, she will not fall asleep unless she is full and strapped into her carseat in a moving vehicle, full and being pushed in her stroller, or is being held and rocked with a pacifier in her mouth. Getting her into her crib and staying asleep is sometimes takes multiple tries. EVERYONE has told me, “Don’t let her fall asleep on you. When she wakes up and sees she’s in her crib, she’ll get upset and cry.” That’s all well and good but if I put her down drowsy? SHRIEKING. Shrieking like SNAKES ARE EATING HER. Not talking “wahwah” I’m talking “JESUS THERE IS A COBRA IN MY CRIB, AND IT’S SLOWLY EATING ME FROM MY TOES UP.”

It’s amazing how when you become a parent, you learn things about your child. How you and your partner are sometimes the only two people in the universe who can get the baby to sleep. Josh and I are both in agreement that we are the only two people that Nellie really recognizes. Sure, she smiles at people but you can tell when she looks at us, she KNOWS us. And that is one of the greatest and most amazing feelings my heart has ever known.

Nellie rolls over… Sometimes. She’s rolled from belly to back a few times, and back to belly maybe twice.

Nellie LOVES to be held above your head so she’s looking down at you. This is very dangerous, as it puts her in perfect “spit up directly in your mouth” range (as daddy learned the hard way) but she loves it so much, I just can NOT resist. When she gets excited, she opens her mouth, wrinkles her nose, and breaths in and out excitedly. She loves to look at “Other Baby” in the mirror and she LOVES bathtime.

Motherhood… It hasn’t really sunk it yet that I am someone’s mother. Is that weird?? I look at every other mother that I know in my life and sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m part of the “club”. I’m now one of those women that’s expected to know what to do when my child cries.. To always be prepared with a Band-Aid and a kiss for a boo-boo.. To carry wipes, and Tylenol, and toys in my purse. Motherhood is the strangest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s also the most unique, rewarding, challenging and exciting thing I’ve ever done. It’s an adventure every day. Watching Nellie change and grow from day to day is.. It’s unreal. It makes me realize my age. It makes me face my mortality. It makes me grateful for every breath of air I suck in. It makes me realize that as long as this child that sleeps in my arms as I type this is healthy and taken care of, nothing else matters.

Yes. It’s hard. And frustrating. And meltdown-inducing, but I would not trade it for anything in this universe.


  1. This is such a beautiful post! For a long time I didn't think I wanted to be a mom. Then a couple years ago I decided that I did. And I hope that when I become one, I will feel this very same way about it. I can accept the exhausted. I know it has to happen.

  2. Indeed, a lovely post…. that got huge loud chuckles here at the vision of Nellie power chucking onto Daddy… maybe it's having had a horrendous reflux baby that makes the vision even funnier. Still, she's pretty damn cute!! :)

  3. Kristi Nommensen Dor says:

    It's not weird at all to not recognize yourself as someone's mother yet. It took me a LONG time for that to really sink in. I don't know when exactly, but I'm thinking YEARS. I'm not even kidding. It's not like denial, it just doesn't feel REAL. I mean, it does now, but those first few years. That was my baby, and yet sometimes it felt so surreal.The same thing happens to me with age sometimes. Age, as a number, doesn't really bother me, but somewhere in my head I think I stopped 'aging' in my mid-twenties. Sometimes I'll realize I'm turning 32 this year and it just gives me a jolt. Not like I'm upset about it, just… it doesn't seem right! Or I'll walk by the mirror and catch a glimpse of myself and think 'who IS that person?" And I never, NEVER feel like I LOOK like a 'mom'. At the PTA meetings or with other parents, I totally accept them all as MOMS, even the ones that are younger than me, but I always feel like this imposter who is just PLAYING at being 'mom'. And the kicker is, I don't even feel insecure about BEING a mom – I think I'm a pretty good mom most of the time, and I love being a mom. But I never feel like I LOOK the part, or like other people are going to take me seriously. It's so bizarre.Finally, unless your camera takes really super mondo expensive batteries, I'd be happy to contribute to the 'document Nellie's life' fund and either send you some cash to buy batteries or mail you some batteries. 😉

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