The Truth? I Still Miss You.

Part of me thought that when I had a baby, the pain of my miscarriage would go away. With time, the pain of my miscarriage has lessened, for sure… But it never really goes away. The sadness is always there, hiding in the back of my mind. I’m reminded of Green Bean at the most random times; at work, when I see a long-forgotten calendar on the wall, frozen on December of 2007. I was filing some things away the other day, looked up, and saw it. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at the 22nd. The night we lost our Green Bean. I remembered that night with sadness in my heart. Yes, I have my living baby but that night.. I will never forget the pain of that night. Every detail is etched in my memory.

Any time I see a picture of an early ultrasound, I remember Nellie’s first ultrasound but I also remember the one time we saw Green Bean, and his/her heartbeat. I think about the night I found out I was pregnant with GB all the time. I remember that night with a sad smile.

I wonder a lot.
I wonder what GB would look like. It blows my mind that if things had gone differently, GB would be 22 months old. I never even knew if GB was a boy or a girl (though I felt like it was a boy). Would he have curls? Would they be blondish like daddy’s hair (when he doesn’t shave it), or dark like mine? What sort of things would he like to do? When I see a child that is around where GB should be, these thoughts always pop into my head. Always.

And then I think.. If I hadn’t lost GB, Nellie probably would not be here. I wouldn’t have this sweet, precious child in my arms. Everything happens for a reason..

But I still miss my first babe. No matter how many babies I go on to have, there will never be another Green Bean. There is a special, sacred, untouchable place in my heart for that first little one, whose name I never knew and whose face I never saw.

Your song. This will always be your song.