Sigh

I hear you wake on the monitor. A coo, at first, followed by fussing. I lay in bed, waiting to see if you put yourself back to sleep.

You do not. I look at my clock to check on the time.

3:38. I have to be up in two hours. I get out of bed, and I sigh.

I make my way into your room. You’re on your back, and your pacifier is beside you. I roll you to your side and put the pacifier back in your mouth. I give you your stuffed fox and wait to see if sleep takes you.

It doesn’t. You roll back, look at me and whine. You’re not going back down without a fight. I pick you up from your crib, and I sigh.
I carry you over to the glider, sit, and begin gliding back and forth. It makes a soft whooshing noise in the darkness of your room. You begin to squirm and cry. I stand up and start bouncing you and you quiet down. I sigh as you fight me.

Bouncing always puts you to sleep. You struggle a bit more before your limbs begin to hang, your tiny hand no longer flailing about and seeking something to grab. I sit back down with you in the glider and we rock.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh; accompanying the sound of the air conditioning running in the apartment. I sit and rock you, waiting for the right time to put you down and head back to sleep.

And suddenly…. you sigh. A sigh of perfect contentment and love. You snuggle your face against my chest and you succumb fully to sleep. I cannot make out your face in the dark but I look down at you anyway. I’m suddenly hyper-aware of you; the weight of your body against mine. The way your pajamas feel against my skin… I find your hand and kiss it. You sigh softly again, and I realize that this is but a fleeting moment as time hurtles by us with breakneck speed. I have waited for the day when you no longer cry out in the middle of the night needing comfort because it will mean a full night’s sleep, and I realize that soon, those days will be here and this evening will be but a tiny drop of water in an ocean of time, and memories. When I am old, and you are grown, will I remember the whoosh of the glider, the hum of the air? Will I remember the warmth of you, the way you felt in my arms on this night? Will I remember the sound of you breathing in and out, the feel of your fingers curling through my hair as you fell asleep?

I sigh. This time with tears in my eyes and I hold you close. I am taken by the urge to hold you until the sun comes up, until I am forced to wake you for the day…. To hold you forever. But we both need our sleep, so I rise from the glider and settle you back down into the bed that you were once so small in. The bed that you grow into more and more each day. I look down at my baby, (it seems like yesterday just came into this world), and I say a silent thank you for coming into my life and making me your mother.

It’s all about these fleeting moments in time.

Comments

  1. Bravo! This really captured what I have been feeling lately with little Mikey. Part of me can’t wait to get a full 8-9 hrs of sleep again, but the other part of me enjoys the special time we have at night when it’s quiet and cozy, and it seems like we’re the only two people in the world. :) Great post!
    joonluv630 recently posted..Baby Food Revisited

  2. Wow, great post! Got tears in my eyes reading it :( these days have gone by so fast and sometimes I forget that he won’t be a baby forever.

  3. Aw! You guys are both making me cry! I've been struggling lately with my litlle one who has gotten into the habit of waking in the night and wanting to sleep in our bed. I was thinking I'd have to train him back into his old sleeping habits, but after reading this I think I'm just going to let it be and enjoy these nights while they last!
    brown-eyed-girl recently posted..The Pursuit of Happiness – Day 40

  4. I love this, and I also love reading your blog. Your sweet little Nellie was born right next to my due date of my sweet Alexis who was stillborn at only 21weeks. I love how you share with me and other how Nellie grows everyday. I wonder every single day what my Lexi would be doing to this day, and you have answered my question. Thank you from the bottom of my breaking heart!

    • KarmaPearl says:

      Courtney,

      Your comment touched me so much. Reading this comment made me cry, and my heart aches for you and the loss of your sweet Alexis. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing with me, and I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I’m trying to come up with something more significant or profound to say but there are no words to express how very, very sorry I am. *hugs*

  5. Erin Blodgett says:

    *sniffles* *tears welling up*.. I need to go pick up my two and a half year old now.. thankyouverymuch. awesome post.

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge