Bizarro Mommy Boots

Okay, so I’m about to right-wing bash juuuust a little bit. Really, I’m just making fun of conservatives. I have conservative friends that I’m down with, so if you think this might get your panties in a ruffle, you can move along now.

I was driving to work the other day and I laid eyes on someone who I am fairly certain is Bizarro me. You know, like Bizarro Superman? Bizarro is the complete opposite of Superman in every way. If you want to get technical, I think he’s some kind of clone-gone-wrong. Or something.  My husband is going to divorce me if I have messed this up, because he’s in love with Superman and all his Supermany goodness.

Okay so anyway, I encountered Opposite Me. I was driving and I saw a black Land Rover to my right and slightly ahead. For one, I wouldn’t drive a Land Rover because they’re fucking expensive as hell and they get like, 5 MPG. Strike #1. As I was getting closer to her I noticed she had several bumper stickers on the back of her car. Strike #2. My husband convinced me that bumper stickers are a bad idea, because they eventually fade and look gross. We put magnets on the back of our car if we want to advertise an interest or cause, so we can take it off when it gets crackly and old.
I got closer to the vehicle and saw the first sticker:

“I’ve been Hannitized”
I can only assume the person was referring to Sean Hannity, the conservative idiot radio and television host, author, and political commentator. I didn’t know much about Hannity until I Wiki’d his name for the purpose of this post, but now I know that he told a lesbian caller “I feel sorry for your child”. Awesome. My kind of douchebag. Okay, so Strike #3. Hannity sucks.

The next sticker had a cartoon picture of a cheerful man holding a cup of coffee and saying, “Hey Obama! How about a nice cup of ‘shut the hell up?’!”
Strike #4. I heart Obama and think he’s the bees’ knees.

I slowed down a little more so I could glance at the other bumper stickers on the back of her car and I saw two more:
“Impeach the Tyrant!”
(Strike #5)
Um, of which tyrant are you speaking? Do you even know what the definition of a tyrant is?

and the final one and my personal favorite:
“I drive like a Cullen.”

I started laughing hysterically like an idiot. It’s no secret that I think Twilight is ridiculous in every way, shape, or form. I’ve read all the books and I sincerely think that they made my IQ drop no less than 15 points.
I accelerated so I could see the driver of this Eco-Friendly, Liberal Fun Machine and saw a middle-aged woman with sunglasses and a low ponytail driving.

And texting.

Awesome. The ONLY thing that could have possibly made this woman MORE unlike myself is a Sarah Palin bumper sticker, and one that said “Marriage = (male stick figure + female stick figure)”. That one makes me want to pull out a stick of lipstick or something and just write

NO

In big, fat letters all over the person’s car.

So that was my encounter with Bizarro Mommy Boots. A Rover-driving, Hannity-loving, Obama-hating, Twilight fan.I should find her and ask her out for coffee. I bet our conversation would make an excellent blog post.

I mean no offense to any of my friends who may fit the description of Bizarro Mommy Boots. Like I said, I have conservative friends. And I make fun of them, with love. And you have to admit, Twilight is a little ridiculous, ya’ll.

The Evolution of Us – 5 Years of Marriage

We started as friends.

We began dating.

He asked me to marry him. I said yes.

5 years ago today on a beautiful, sunny September morning atop a mountain with a breathtaking view behind us, we said “I do”. It was a perfect day, complete with friends and family. I walked down the aisle to the theme song to The Princess Bride. My husband surprised me with a barbershop quartet singing to me as we were walking back down the aisle after being wed – and I wasn’t even singing barbershop yet. Our colors were lilac and ivory, and we danced our first dance as husband and wife to Alison Krauss singing “When You Say Nothing At All”. A sweet moment between us was captured on camera, but little did anyone know that we were giggling and quoting Monty Python.

We’ve been through a lot together. Financial stress. Arguments. The loss of our baby, Green Bean. A near-year long struggle to conceive again….

And…

The birth of our beautiful daughter.

I am happy to have been married to my best friend, Josh, for five amazing years. It’s been a hell of a ride, and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us.

I love you, baby.

The wedding photos were taken by Nancy Hellsten.

Dear Similac

You really screwed the pooch, didn’t you? Where were you on this one, dipshits? Glad I buy my kid Target formula so I don’t have to deal with your asshattery.

Love, Mommy Boots.

I think that all moms, breastfeeding and formula feeding alike can agree on one thing: Finding out that baby formula has little crawly bug parts in it is fucking gross. Can we stop jumping all over each others’ shit and just squeal together in disgust, and possibly coordinate one big simultaneous vomit? I bet there’s no world record for that.

Mommy Road Rage

I think that it’s safe to say that I’m not alone in my assumption that I’m the only one on the face of the planet who doesn’t drive like a bleeding idiot. That is to say, each of us thinks at one point or another – and may even vocalize out loud – that we are the only people capable of competently operating a motor vehicle.

This morning, I almost got into a car accident and if I had, it would have been through no fault of my own.

I was driving home from dropping Josh off from work. I was cruising in the left lane when I saw a line of cars ahead of me, waiting to turn left to get onto the interstate. I decided to move over to the right lane so I wouldn’t get stuck behind the row of cars turning. I flipped on my blinker like a responsible driver and made my move. I safely reached the right lane and continued on my way. I was approaching an intersection and the light was green. Right as I was moving under the traffic light, a car zoomed DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME. It was turning left from the opposite direction, and the line of cars waiting to turn onto the interstate had blocked the offending car’s line of vision. They didn’t have a green arrow to turn; just a green light and there had been a gap in traffic between myself and the car in front of me so I’m sure they thought they could cross the intersection REALLYFAST and everything would be fine.

Everything was thisclose to not being fine. I literally had to slam on my brakes, and I also laid on my horn. They passed in front of me and went on their merry way and I was overcome with the overwhelming urge to completely abandon my route and follow them. I was filled with anger and I wanted to drive behind them, run them off the road, pull them out of the car and beat their asses, yelling, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HAVE A BABY IN MY CAR. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??”

Now, I am guilty of yelling at people and calling them lots of colorful words. I don’t usually flip people off where they can see it, because I’m paranoid that some crazy bastard will pull out a gun and shoot me. However, since becoming a mother my road rage has reached all new levels. I’ve had a few close calls with other cars, and each time I am overcome with a sense of outrage that makes me want to drag their stupid asses out and yell at them until I’m blue in the face.

How DARE these people drive so recklessly? Some of us have very, very precious cargo in tow. Don’t they realize that?

I guess it’s a whole “protective mama bear” thing. I still want to track down that stupid dark green  Jeep, find the driver, and punch them in the eyeball.

Giveaway – Spoiled Rotten Designs

Hey there everyone! As you may have noticed, I took a little break from giveaways for a while. I was doing one every two weeks and it was really exhausting! I took the summer off, but am happy to announce the return of giveaways here on my blog! In fact, this is the very first giveaway since the BIG SWITCH from Hope Springs Eternal to Mommy Boots. I’m excited to feature an Etsy artist named Courtney, and her shop Spoiled Rotten Designs!

I contacted Courtney waaaaay back in April or so, and we agreed to do a giveaway for a diaper organizer sometime in July. Well, life got in the way and Courtney and her family moved across the country. Yikes! But she’s back in business now, and I’m excited to feature something adorable from her!

The organizer when closed

...... When Open .....


So you may be asking yourself, “Why do I need a diaper organizer? That’s what a diaper bag is for, isn’t it?”
And to you I say, NO! NO IT’S NOT, AT ALL! My husband shares your skepticism. Your diaper bag is all well and good, but what happens when you are out and about BY YOURSELF with your little one? You’re having a fabulous time, shopping and soaking in the compliments that your precious babe is getting from strangers when all of a sudden, it happens. The worst possible thing that could happen when you are on an outing with your baby:
The smell. You know what smell I’m talking about. The smell that lets you know that your precious little spring flower has a precious little surprise waiting in her diaper. So here’s the scenerio. You take yourself, your baby, the stroller, and your massive diaper bag that has toys, wipes, snacks, extra clothes, burp cloths and oh yeah, diapers scattered about all hither and yon. You lug your cargo into the bathroom and begin fumbling about in your diaper bag. You grab a diaper in one hand and the case of wipes in the other. Then you grab your diaper cream. But wait, you still have to get your kid. You put everything down, unbuckle the baby, gag from the smell and lay baby down on the table. Then you have to get everything where you can grab it but wait! Don’t take your hand off the baby or else she may roll off the table and onto the floor. Don’t you wish that you had EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED IN ONE PLACE?

If you had a diaper organizer, you would. See?

Voila! All in one place.

Not ONLY are your diapers, wipes, and butt cream all in one place but it’s got a wrist loop around it so you can grab the bag, loop it around your wrist and you have everything you need for an on-the-go diaper change right at hand. There is no fumbling, no digging through a sea of Bright Starts toys and teething rings to find the things you need. It has a velcro closure for easy opening and closing.

Not to mention that it’s adorable, and any mother who sees it will ask where you got it.
In all seriousness, this thing has been a lifesaver. IT DOES NOT LEAVE MY DIAPER BAG. I love that I can just grab it, grab my kid, and head off to the bathroom to change a diaper. I love that I don’t have to lug everything into the bathroom with me. And I love how unique it is, because I have been asked by practically everyone who has seen it, where I got it.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I am a very convincing saleswoman, and you need one of those in your life ASAP. Fear not, because YOU can win one of your very own! Spoiled Rotten Designs is offering one lucky reader the chance to win a completely customizable diaper organizer! That’s right, yours can look completely different from mine. You choose your inner and outer fabric, and your ribbon and voila! A custom design just for you! Here’s how you can win.

Mandatory means if you do not complete this entry first, your extra entries will not count. Be sure to leave your e-mail, Twitter ID, or other contact info in case you win.

  • Tell me what you love most about the diaper organizer.

Leave a separate comment for each extra entry.

Courtney is also offering a $10 credit to whomever happens to be the 125th person to *like* Spoiled Rotten Designs on Facebook, so hurry over and *like* your butt off!

This giveaway will close on October 5th, 2010.

BHB Guest Post #1: Beth

I have acquired a fantastic group of cyber-girlfriends that I simply call my Bitches. We’re so fabulous we piss glitter, and for that, you should be jealous. We are all hoping to meet up next year at BlogHer 2011, and when we do it’s going to be absolutely EPIC.

I decided that I wanted the Bitches on my blog, so I invited them to share their funniest story from either pregnancy or motherhood. My first Bitch is Beth from Me As A Mommy. Beth is mommy to M, and she’s also knocked up with TNB who is sporting a vagina. That means she’s a girl, for those of you who either just woke up and haven’t had coffee or aren’t very smart. Beth is very hilarious and witty, and once called me useless because I couldn’t solve an argument between her and her husband about the movie Inception.

This is Beth’s first guest post, and I’m hella excited to be the one to break her guest blog cherry. While she’s blogging here, I am blogging over there. So without further ado, I give you Beth!

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So when Natalie asked me to guest post I was immediately nervous. I’ve never done something like this before. I kinda feel like I’m going into a stranger’s house and I don’t know if I should sit on the couch or stand awkwardly in the corner because the couch is just for show. But then she told me what my topic would be “Tell us about your funniest/most embarrassing moment as a Mom.” Once she said that, I knew that not only would I be sitting on her couch – but I’d also be the guest that takes off her shoes and puts her feet, stinky socks and all, up on the coffee table. So prepare yourself – you have been warned. (for the record my socks aren’t stinky – it’s just part of the image of just how comfortable and inappropriate I’m about to be)

I’m now a SAHM, but for the first 11 months of my son’s life I worked full time in IT. Part of my job was to work on trouble tickets with outside vendors. It was on one such occasion that I had my most embarrassing Mom moment.

The vendor asked me to run a diagnostic tool and send him the results file. I ran the tool, and totally forgot to take note of the file name, but did notice that it started with a bunch of numbers. Being the ever-genius I am, I went to the location, grabbed the first file that started with numbers and sent it off to him. A few days later I came into work to find an email “The file was deleted. Can you please send it again?” I went back through my email, and just forwarded the one I had originally sent.

About a week went by with no word from the vendor. Then finally, I got the following message: “The file you are sending me does not contain work-related information. Please run the diagnostic tool I sent you and email me the output from that tool.” I sat there confused. What does he mean it doesn’t contain work-related information? It’s his stupid program I’m running to create the file I’m sending!

It was at this point I decided it might finally be time to check out what file I was sending. I went through my sent mail, found the two emails I had sent him and almost fell out of my chair at work when I opened the attachment. Indeed, it was not work-related information. That’s for sure. Turns out I had sent him a sonogram picture of my son. Not just any sonogram picture though. The one where we found out it was a boy.

If you don’t get where I’m going with this… or if you don’t think that’s embarrassing enough allow me to describe exactly what I was sending him. A sonogram picture of my son’s penis. And I sent it twice. I should also mention that when we found out M would be a boy… there was no question. I refuse to post pictures of my son’s privates on the internet (even ones from when he was in the womb), so instead – I’ve put together a little drawing in paint so you can really understand exactly what I sent to this unsuspecting vendor.

He expected the log file from a script, and instead he got something like this (TWICE):


Nice of the sonogram tech to label it for us – as if there was a question as to what we were looking at???

Guest Post – Introducing Baby Sign Language

While my blog was still Hope Springs Eternal, I was contacted by Misty who is the Chief Editor of Baby Sign Language. She asked me if I’d be willing to post a blog that she had written about baby sign language. I’ve been peripherally interested in BSL, so I said yes because I would love to learn more about it. I haven’t delved into it with Nellie yet but hopefully this article will give me a good start.. And maybe it’ll give you a good start, too!

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Introducing Baby Sign Language

Here are the two most important things I can tell you about introducing baby sign language to your baby or toddler:

1.      This is supposed to be fun.
2.      Take it slow!

There.  How’s that for simple advice?  Too often baby sign language gets lumped in with all the marketing hype that tries to convince parents they need to turn their babies into little Einsteins.  Baby sign language does not belong in this category.  Baby Sign Language is a research-supported, time-tested, simple and honest way to bond with your baby.  It doesn’t need any marketing!

So, now that you’ve relaxed and decided to have fun with your baby, remember that this isn’t a race!  Most parents start with just one or two signs.  Popular signs to start with are:  milk, eat, and / or more.

You can start with any word, but I’m going to use milk as an example.  To teach your baby the sign for milk, simply make the sign for milk every time you say the word milk.  To make the sign for milk, simply pretend that you are milking a cow with your right hand.  Give an imaginary udder a few squeezes, and that is your sign!  Before you offer your baby the breast or bottle, say, “Would you like some milk?” and make the sign for milk.  Then, give your baby some milk!  She will learn to associate gesture with word with yummy milk!

It is entirely up to you when to introduce a second or third sign.  Some parents wait until their child masters the first sign they teach.  Some parents introduce a sign when they feel their baby wants to say it.  For example, if your baby is constantly wanting to be put down, or taken down from his highchair, you might introduce the sign for “down.”  Or if your baby really loves it when you read to her, you might teach her the sign for “book.”

One of the beautiful things about baby sign language is that it is not an exact science.  It is easy to adapt to your child, your family, and your needs.

Depending on the age of your baby when you start to sign, it could be months before he signs back to you.  Don’t worry about it!  Just keep making your sign.  Remember that your Baby Signing back to you is not your only goal.  Every time you make a sign to your baby, you are helping his brain to grow and develop.  Every time you make a sign to your baby, you are teaching her that communication matters, and that you care what she has to say!

The key to successfully teaching your baby to sign is repetition.  Consistency is imperative.  This will become part of your daily routine.  If you start to get bored, make a game of it!  Make up silly songs that feature the word you are trying to teach.  Or, when you are reading to your baby, insert signs here and there.

And remember, you are not alone!  Seek out support from other signing parents of young children.  Visit websites like Baby Sign Language for resources and encouragement.  Remember that baby sign language is based on American Sign Language, the language of deaf community.  So whenever you want to learn a new sign, you can reference ASL and know that you are teaching your baby a real sign!

So have fun, and set your own pace.  Don’t worry, sign happy!

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There you have it, readers! Some simple and easy steps on introducing baby sign language to your little one. So what do you think? Is baby sign language something that you plan on doing? Have you already been doing it? If so, how is it going for you?

Thanks to Misty Weaver, Chief Editor of Baby Sign Language for writing this post. I received no compensation for this post; merely wanted to spread the word about BSL!

Back to Blogging Day Five: Why Do I Blog?

It’s the final day of the SITS Girls’ Back to Blogging Challenge and today’s topic is: Why do you blog?

Why do I blog…. First and foremost, because I love to write. I love to write, but I don’t have the time nor the ideas to write a story. I never have. Ever since I was young I’ve loved putting words down, creating things. Yet, I have no creative or new ideas that could one day be formed into a story. I can remember in high school writing down scenerios in my spiral notebook. They weren’t stories, they were scenes that would jump into my head. I would be moved by them, to write them down before I forgot the details. They would literally be snippets of conversations, encounters, interactions with others. Most of them would fill less than two pages front to back of my notebook but I had to get them down.

I guess I’m a short-distance writer. I love blogging for the freedom it gives me. I don’t always have to worry about punctuation, grammar, or even making sense. What other platform of creativity can you legitimately use where it’s okay sometimes to write in all caps for the sake of the story, or use a run-on sentence because it reads funnier that way? I’ve become so in love with blogging that I think about it in my daily life. Things happen to me and I immediately think, “This will make an excellent blog post.” A coworker of mine told me a story about a hamster she had in college that chewed its’ own leg off and I actually said out loud to her, “That would make a great blog post if you blogged.” Sometimes, I have to stop what I’m doing and take down a note on my phone when I get an idea for a post because I won’t remember it later.

I love blogging for the friendships it has given me. You may not call them friendships as technically, I’ve never met these women but they are my friends. I will meet them, in San Diego next year and I will hopefully make new friends there as well.  Blogging is a community, social media the future. Bloggers help each other out. We cry together, we laugh together, and we share our lives and hearts for the world to read.

When I began blogging it was to work out my own feelings about my miscarriage. My blog was honest. It was raw. When my due date for Green Bean rolled around I got ridiculously drunk and I blogged about how angry I was. I think I used the F word a lot. When I decided to let my blog be known to my friends and family, women I knew wrote me and thanked me profusely for being so candid with my conception struggles and heartbreak because they, too, were struggling and felt very alone. I gave them hope. I was a success story. I reached someone and made a difference…

I love blogging for the creativity. I love blogging for the connections. I love blogging for the opportunities I’m presented. I love blogging for the voice that it gives me. Even if no one ever hears that voice, it is there ringing loudly and clearly through cyberspace. Even if sometimes I feel as though I’m writing just for myself, and no one is listening.. My words are still there and they are still mine.
I just love to blog. Period.

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This post was written in participation with The SITS Girls’ Back to Blogging Challenge. In participating, I am also submitting the posts to be entered into a sweepstakes to win a Turquoise Sky Electrolux washer & dryer set. The event is sponsored by Standards of Excellence, Westar, and Florida Builder Appliances

Back to Blogging Day 4: Inspirational Women

Today’s topic on the B2B Challenge is to write about a woman who inspires us.

This is a really difficult topic for me, because I have had a definite lack of inspirational women in my life. A lot of people will probably write about their mothers, which you will certainly not find me writing about. That’s a long story for another blog post entirely.

I have been sitting here wracking my brain, trying to come up with a woman who inspires me and everything I’m producing seems so hollow and false. Who the hell inspires me? WHAT inspires me?

A lot of women who blog inspire me. The Bloggess and her hilarious writing encourage me to be funny. She reminds me that it’s okay to swear on your blog and use run-on sentences as long as you have your reader in stitches. Every time I read a blog entry of hers, I shake my head and say aloud “I will NEVER be that funny.”

Kristine inspires me. Do you know Kristine? Her daughter, Cora, died in her arms at five days old when she was breastfeeding. Cora had a CHD that wasn’t detected. Since that nightmarish night in December, Kristine has been working her tail off to raise awareness for CHD by diving into social media, setting up a non-profit in Cora’s name and encouraging people to wear Pink for Cora on the 30th of each month. Kristine inspires me because if I had lost my daughter, I would be a gigantic ball of anger and jealousy.. But she is always kind, gracious, and honest. You can’t not like Kristine.. It’s pretty much physically impossible.

Another blogger who inspires me is Heather Spohr. If you’ve been blog reading for a while you probably know who Heather is. Her beautiful daughter, Maddie, died in 2009. Shortly after Maddie’s death Heather found out she was pregnant. She gave birth to Anabelle in January of 2010.. Anabelle is actually about 2 days younger than Nellie. Heather’s story is heartbreaking. Every time I read an entry about Maddie I end up in tears. She is honest, and her pain is raw and real. She inspires me as a mother because I honestly don’t know how she carried on after the death of Maddie. Her blog is sweet, and hilarious, and she’s a great writer.

Well, I guess that wasn’t quite as difficult as I was making it out to be… It just required a little bit of thought which I suppose is the whole root of this challenge. It wouldn’t be a blog challenge if it didn’t require a little effort, would it?

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This post was written in participation with The SITS Girls’ Back to Blogging Challenge. In participating, I am also submitting the posts to be entered into a sweepstakes to win a Turquoise Sky Electrolux washer & dryer set. The event is sponsored by Standards of Excellence, Westar, and Florida Builder Appliances.

Back to Blogging Day Three: A Post Title I’m Proud Of

Welcome to day three of the Back to Blogging challenge! To catch up, here is Day One and Day Two. Today’s post is to re-post an old entry that I’ve written that has a title that I’m particularly proud of. I scrolled through my old posts and found the perfect one. It’s not cute, or heartwarming, or particularly poignant but it is funny, and I’m pretty sure you can figure out the content of the post just from the title. Without further ado, I give you a post that I wrote on October 27th, 2009 titled…

The Curious Case of My Vanishing VaJayJay
10/27/2009

So…… This may be a little much, but honestly when I became pregnant, after all the TTC lingo I exchanged with ladies via message boards, TMI doesn’t really exist for me anymore so here it goes.

I can no longer see my crotch.

It’s true. I don’t remember what inspired me even thinking to look, but after much glancing, twisting and turning and other various methods of contortion that are usually best left to small acrobatic circus performers, I confirmed that I can no longer see my crotch. It’s gone. Vanished. Out of my sight.

I tried to pull my belly out of the way, except the thing is – my belly won’t, like, move anymore. It just… Is there. All the time. I tried bending over. That just made my vagina disappear further from my view. I lifted my leg and propped it up on the toilet, almost toppling over like a Weeble in the process. I peeked, peered, and gazed. My husband caught me doing this; looking like I was attempting some strange and potentially dangerous new Yoga pose and asked me what the hell I was doing. I gave him a look like, “duh” and told him I was trying to see my crotch, to which he responded by howling in laughter and walking away.

The only way I can see my ladybits anymore is to look with a mirror. Even that is difficult, but look with a mirror I did – if only to reassure myself that my vagina is, in fact, still there and fully in tact. I ended up getting a glimpse of it. Yep, there’s my vagina. Still there, still looking the same as it ever did (albeit slightly more… Um… Puffy? WTF, PREGNANCY?). Pregnancy is such a curious thing. Never in a million years did I think that something as simple as being able to see my own vagina would be something that was impossible without being an Olympic gymnast. Something that I’ve seen every single day of my life is now gone; hidden by the growing mound that is my stomach.

I think that the book Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy had mentioned something about her vagina getting blue and engorged, and when I read it in my first trimester I laughed heartily and thought to myself that was a bunch of bullshit. Apparently it is NOT bullshit, and vaginas do in fact get engorged during gestation. Though mine isn’t blue. It’s still a normal color.

Now that you know entirely too much about my crotch region, carry on and have a very pleasant Tuesday. And never take the fact that you can see your vagina for granted.

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Classy? Maybe not. Funny? I think so. I thought the title was terribly clever. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button had come out recently, and everyone loves the word vajayjay so I thought myself awfully hilarious. Any woman who has ever been big, fat, and pregnant will relate to this post because when you’re that pregnant you really CAN NOT see your kitty without the aid of a mirror.

This post was written in participation with The SITS Girls’ Back to Blogging Challenge. In participating, I am also submitting the posts to be entered into a sweepstakes to win a Turquoise Sky Electrolux washer & dryer set. The event is sponsored by Standards of Excellence, Westar, and Florida Builder Appliances.