Back to Blogging Day Two: A Missed Post

Miss my Back to Blogging Day One Post? Check it out here: Back to Blogging Day One

For day two of the B2B challenge at The SITS Girls, the topic is to re-visit an old post that you wish more people had read, and why it’s important to you.
This post is from October 17th, 2008. At this point in my life we had miscarried our first baby nearly ten months earlier. I had lost 20 pounds, and we were on our 5th or 6th cycle of trying to conceive again.

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10/17/2008

What if it’s not “meant to be”?

What if I’m not meant to be someone’s mommy? What if I’m destined to forever be “Aunt Natalie” to my family’s babies, my friends’ babies? That I’m meant to watch my girlfriends become mothers, watch the love light up their eyes while they hold their newborn babies, while I am standing aside, wanting for nothing more but to be in their shoes? What if I’m not meant to feel baby kicks, baby moves; what if my belly isn’t destined to swell and grow as my little one does?

What if I’m destined to forever wander through the aisles of baby clothes, gazing longingly, wishing and hoping for a day that will never come? What if I am meant for nothing more than staring at a pregnant woman’s belly, and feeling empty inside?

What if this love I feel inside of me, love that’s meant for my baby, is meant to go unheard; unfelt?

What if I miscarry, one baby after another, until I am so broken inside that I simply cannot do it any more?

What if it’s just not in the cards for me?

I just don’t know what I’d do.

You can say, “it’s meant to be”, but in the end, no one knows that. No one.
You can say “just give it to God”, but for one, I’m not religious and for two, I don’t want to. That doesn’t help me. I don’t like not having control over the things that I want, that I need in my life.

Does every woman who struggles to conceive feel this way?

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I debated for a long time on what post to include for this day. I decided to go with this one, because infertility and TTC struggles are something that often go unnoticed and overlooked. In the near-year it took Josh and I to conceive Nellie I met so many women who shared my pain, and as I’ve stepped more into the blogging world I’ve met many others whose hearts ache as mine did while we were trying month after month to conceive. When I “came out” to the people that I knew in real life about my blog, I had a few come forward and thank me for being candid about our conception struggles because they, too, were struggling. They had no idea there were others like them out there; it seemed to them that everyone they knew became pregnant so easily and when you’re struggling, it DOES seem that way. It feels as though everyone in the universe is pregnant but YOU. I wanted to share this post with the chance that there are still women out there who feel alone and let them know that they’re NOT. They aren’t alone in their struggle, and they aren’t alone in their pain. My journey led me into motherhood but I still remember very well the pain I felt.

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This post was written in participation with The SITS Girls’ Back to Blogging Challenge. In participating, I am also submitting the posts to be entered into a sweepstakes to win a Turquoise Sky Electrolux washer & dryer set. The event is sponsored by Standards of Excellence, Westar, and Florida Builder Appliances.