Happy Birthday & Remembering Green Bean


Today is my husband’s 30th birthday! Woot woot! He never sees his birthday as a big deal, but I always see birthdays as a big deal. I’m a big fat failer and didn’t plan anything, though.. He is working all weekend however, so I guess that makes it a little more excusable. I’m so honored, so delighted, and so effing lucky to have this man as my husband and the father of my child. He’s the funniest, sweetest, dearest, sexiest man alive and I feel blessed every day to be his wife.

Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th has been bittersweet for me since losing Green Bean and it’s a very fine line to walk. On one hand, I want to celebrate my husband’s life and his birthday but on the other I feel the need to spread the word of the other significance of today; honoring and remembering babies that were lost to us.

Today I honor our Green Bean, who I miscarried around 7 weeks. For 20 days I was mama to my little bean but he has been in my heart ever since. I still think about that first babe and still miss him. I never saw his face, held his hands, fed him or rocked him to sleep as I do my living daughter but that doesn’t make Green Bean any less my baby. He always has been and always will be my babe.

Today is for the lost ones, for the babies who weren’t meant for this world. I wrote this post a year ago today while pregnant with Nellie, and quoted lyrics from the song that I deemed to be Green Bean’s. I post the lyrics again, today, in his honor.

When You Come Back Down
Nickel Creek

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that’s all your own
Before it slips away
When you’re flyin’ high, take my heart along
I’ll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play
When you’re soarin’ through the air I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
I’ll keep lookin’ up, awaitin’ your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won’t feel your fire
I’ll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin’ in between your sweet heart and mine
I’m strung out on that wire
And I’ll be on the other end,
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly,
If you get too high I’ll catch you when you fall
I’ll catch you when you fall
Your memory’s the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings
When you’re soarin’ through the air I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare I’ll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare, I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down