Green Bean – My First Babe

Hey, baby love. It’s mama. It’s December 2nd again, and do you know what that means? It means that it’s the anniversary of the day that I found out for sure, and the day that we shouted to the world, that we were pregnant with you! I knew the night before after getting a faded-looking (but still obvious) plus sign on a Wal-Mart brand home pregnancy test, but December 2nd was the day I took that second test and it was unmistakably, boldly, positive. Like you were shouting, “I’M HERE, MAMA!”

I was so excited to be carrying you. Little, bitty, poppyseed-sized you. I couldn’t wait to have an ultrasound so I could see you! At first, we didn’t see anything – just a yolk sac. But when we went in the second time, I got to see your heartbeat! A little tiny flick-flick-flick on the screen that made my heart soar.

My happiness was short-lived and turned to heartbreak. Utter devastation.. So many feelings, babe. It’s been three years, but I still remember so vividly the first time I felt a cramp that I just couldn’t ignore. I was at work, walking from my chair to the counter and the pain stopped me in my tracks.  My heart felt like it dropped into my toes. All day I had been convincing myself that the spotting wasn’t a big deal.. That the fact that it was getting heavier, and darker, wasn’t a big deal but when I felt that cramp..

Well… You know the rest of the story sweetheart. My heart broke the day that I lost you, my love.  The deep, painful cramps were nothing compared to the searing pain in my soul.

Being pregnant with you was glorious. Every wave of nausea I felt, every little craving I had, every sip of water I took to help keep hydrated for you I cherish. I craved Cheetos and ramen noodles with you. I remember going to Wal-Mart and buying a pack of newborn diapers.. And a jar of green olives. I started a semi-private journal to document our journey together. It’s still around.. Sometimes I will log in and read my entries just to remember.

I wish that I still had a picture of the positive pregnancy test… I loved to look back on it and remember the feeling that surged through me when I saw it. Amazement.. Disbelief.. Awe.. Joy. I have the ultrasound picture from when we saw your heartbeat a mere 3 days before losing you.. It’s tucked away safely in a box with the blanket daddy bought you.

Did you know that you have a little sister now? Her name is Nellie and she’s a very funny lady. I think you two would have gotten along so well.

Green Bean, there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what you would be like. I know I’ve said it before, but thank you again, kiddo, for choosing me to be your mom for those short 3 weeks. It was an honor.

I am forever and always, your Mama. I love you.