Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

This is not an image of me. Photo credit.

So back in June, I started my Body After Baby Project which was my mission to stop being obese (which, medically speaking, I am though I think I carry my weight pretty well). I failed miserably. I started this whole big project that I couldn’t carry through with. The weekly check-ins, the weekly blog posts and the fact that I was leading a group of other bloggers sharing in my goal was a little too much for me.

However, I am still fat. And before you try and comfort me and tell me that it’s probably “not that bad”, I am here to tell you:

It is that bad. I haven’t weighed myself in a while but the last time I did, about two months ago, I weighed over 200 pounds. I am 5’3″. And over 200 pounds. That, my friends, is fat. I wear a size 20 jeans which is the largest I’ve ever been in my life.. And the kicker?

My size 20s are feeling a little tight.

MOTHERFUCKER.

I got my hair cut yesterday and my cute, blonde stylist came over to me with her perfectly round 30-week baby belly, sat me down in the chair and said,
“Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.”

Ok, she didn’t really say that. She did really sit me down to ask me what I wanted, haircut-wise. She sat me down in a chair that was in front of a FULL LENGTH MIRROR. While I was sitting there watching her fluff my hair, my eyes drifted downward to the overstuffed sausages attached to my ass my thighs and I sighed inside.

I look at old pictures of myself and marvel at how fit I looked. How thin. How young. I remember feeling healthy. Feeling confident.  I want to feel like I’m in a healthy place again but it’s so damned hard to find time to exercise with a baby, a (nearly) full-time job and one car shared between my husband and myself. On days that Josh works, we don’t get home until 8 in the evening.. And by then we still haven’t eaten and have to get the baby to bed before we do anything else.

It’s very hard for me to find time to exercise and I’m not just making excuses. It’s damn difficult, because I’ve tried. I’m just so tired after driving all over creation, getting my kid to bed, eating, etc that I just want to veg. I want to veg, and go to sleep.

I want to take time for myself again. I want to get back to a healthy weight, and a healthy habit of eating. I’ve eaten pretty well the past two days and for right now, that’s honestly all I can find the energy and time to do. I can change my eating habits. Exercise will have to come later when I can carve out more minutes into my already-hectic day. But for now, I can change my eating habits.

I’ve already made one decision as far as change goes: no more soda. I don’t drink real soda anyway, but no more soda period. No Diet Cokes, no Coke Zeros.. I’m doing away with soda completely for the time being. I have to take small steps and change my habits. In the past it’s been relatively easy for me to change the way I eat my food & live my life but after being sedentary, pregnant, and then sedentary again it’s really hard to not eat those fried cheese sticks. Or to not have another Hershey’s Kiss. Or to choose the salad over the cheeseburger. It’s really hard, because I really like food.

It’s not going to be easy but I want to be healthy for my daughter and give her a good foundation of healthy eating.

I also have to get myself into the mindframe that my worth as a person does not lie within my pants size. Yeah, most of my mommy friends are looking fab a year after they have their kiddos. Sometimes I feel like the only mom in the world who is still so heavy one year postpartum. I have to learn to be kinder to myself and not be so self-depracating, because I have a baby girl who is going to pick up on that. I want her to learn that she is beautiful, regardless of how much she weighs or if her pants size is in the 20s one day. She is a unique, amazing soul with so much to offer the world and none of her fantastic qualities have anything to do with the number that pops up when she hops on the scale.

I want to teach her that, and I want to learn that for myself. I want to be healthy, yes, but I also want to finally beat into my skull that I’m beautiful and fat.

So here’s to changes in the New Year, ones that will hopefully stick for good this time.