Baby Steps

While I was on my way to work yesterday, Josh texted me to let me know that my Nellie, the babe who spent 9 months in my womb and has spent 10 months outside, had taken two whole unassisted steps.

My heart. My babe. She’s almost a toddler. Never in my life have I felt so fiercely proud.  It seems sometimes I might burst from the inside out from the pride… Never in my life have I felt so out of control of time, of life; so desperate to just freeze these moments to cherish them just a little bit longer. Pleading with time to stop careening forward with such alarming speed… Motherhood is simultaneously the most beautiful and most painful thing I’ve ever gone through. Every day, that baby grows apart from me, and into her own little person. Every day, I lose her just a little bit more. As she takes her first wobbly steps, she has no idea that in her little hands, she holds my heart. My soul. The very essence of my being. She never will know, will never be able to fully grasp the gravity of that unless she has children of her own one day.. Then, and only then will she understand how bittersweet and frightening loving a child and watching them grow is.

I know that I have to learn to let her fall, to let her land hard and learn her lessons so next time, she will do differently. Sometimes we have to hurt to understand the mistakes that caused the pain.

Yes, I have to learn how to take a deep breath, let go of her hands, and let her toddle farther into the journey that is her life… But the thing she doesn’t know yet  is that I will always, always be standing just behind her… Ready to catch her if she falls. I can’t help it. That’s just… Motherhood.

Comments

  1. I don't know why this made me tear up, but it did. I think I might be hormonal. Either way, nice post. Thanks.

  2. It made me tear up too, because it's so intensely true. I felt every word of that post.

    Candice

  3. Yay Walking is fun! I <3 it!

  4. I'm sitting in the back of the office with a tear in my eye! I'm doubly hormonal. Little nellie <3

  5. Oh!! Congratulations to Nellie!! That is an amazing acomplishment!

  6. she is not doing it at all today and she is getting frustrated…
    daddygreen recently posted..Next Post

  7. Soon you'll be tripping over things, trying to catch her… :) And congrats Nellie on your first few steps!

  8. what a beautiful post…

  9. I have 4 kiddos, and my oldest turns 12 in a couple weeks (just saying it hurts my heart). It's never easy to let-go of that little hand, however old it is. I wrote about trying to help my son grow up in "Letting Go". It's so hard…to think someday I won't get a goodnight kiss or a good morning hug…I won't be the one they run to when someone hurt their feelings or they got a boo-boo. It doesn't get any easier…today it's a first step, tomorrow it's a first kiss.

  10. Awww, go Nellie! Even though it breaks your Momma's heart, its still sweet… :-)
    Honey B. recently posted..Reverb10- Day 2

  11. This made me teary also, because my baby girl turns one at the end if the month and this hit close to home for me. She's actually running!!!

    Congrats to Nellie, and hang in there mama!

  12. I get it too! My last baby is now 2 and its moving way to fast! Begining walkers are so fun though!
    Amy recently posted..things are cookin now

  13. As wonderful as our children are when they are teeny tiny babies it does get better in a totally different way. The fun is just starting :)
    Veronica recently posted..Our Week in iPhone Pictures

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