Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

This is not an image of me. Photo credit.

So back in June, I started my Body After Baby Project which was my mission to stop being obese (which, medically speaking, I am though I think I carry my weight pretty well). I failed miserably. I started this whole big project that I couldn’t carry through with. The weekly check-ins, the weekly blog posts and the fact that I was leading a group of other bloggers sharing in my goal was a little too much for me.

However, I am still fat. And before you try and comfort me and tell me that it’s probably “not that bad”, I am here to tell you:

It is that bad. I haven’t weighed myself in a while but the last time I did, about two months ago, I weighed over 200 pounds. I am 5’3″. And over 200 pounds. That, my friends, is fat. I wear a size 20 jeans which is the largest I’ve ever been in my life.. And the kicker?

My size 20s are feeling a little tight.

MOTHERFUCKER.

I got my hair cut yesterday and my cute, blonde stylist came over to me with her perfectly round 30-week baby belly, sat me down in the chair and said,
“Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.”

Ok, she didn’t really say that. She did really sit me down to ask me what I wanted, haircut-wise. She sat me down in a chair that was in front of a FULL LENGTH MIRROR. While I was sitting there watching her fluff my hair, my eyes drifted downward to the overstuffed sausages attached to my ass my thighs and I sighed inside.

I look at old pictures of myself and marvel at how fit I looked. How thin. How young. I remember feeling healthy. Feeling confident.  I want to feel like I’m in a healthy place again but it’s so damned hard to find time to exercise with a baby, a (nearly) full-time job and one car shared between my husband and myself. On days that Josh works, we don’t get home until 8 in the evening.. And by then we still haven’t eaten and have to get the baby to bed before we do anything else.

It’s very hard for me to find time to exercise and I’m not just making excuses. It’s damn difficult, because I’ve tried. I’m just so tired after driving all over creation, getting my kid to bed, eating, etc that I just want to veg. I want to veg, and go to sleep.

I want to take time for myself again. I want to get back to a healthy weight, and a healthy habit of eating. I’ve eaten pretty well the past two days and for right now, that’s honestly all I can find the energy and time to do. I can change my eating habits. Exercise will have to come later when I can carve out more minutes into my already-hectic day. But for now, I can change my eating habits.

I’ve already made one decision as far as change goes: no more soda. I don’t drink real soda anyway, but no more soda period. No Diet Cokes, no Coke Zeros.. I’m doing away with soda completely for the time being. I have to take small steps and change my habits. In the past it’s been relatively easy for me to change the way I eat my food & live my life but after being sedentary, pregnant, and then sedentary again it’s really hard to not eat those fried cheese sticks. Or to not have another Hershey’s Kiss. Or to choose the salad over the cheeseburger. It’s really hard, because I really like food.

It’s not going to be easy but I want to be healthy for my daughter and give her a good foundation of healthy eating.

I also have to get myself into the mindframe that my worth as a person does not lie within my pants size. Yeah, most of my mommy friends are looking fab a year after they have their kiddos. Sometimes I feel like the only mom in the world who is still so heavy one year postpartum. I have to learn to be kinder to myself and not be so self-depracating, because I have a baby girl who is going to pick up on that. I want her to learn that she is beautiful, regardless of how much she weighs or if her pants size is in the 20s one day. She is a unique, amazing soul with so much to offer the world and none of her fantastic qualities have anything to do with the number that pops up when she hops on the scale.

I want to teach her that, and I want to learn that for myself. I want to be healthy, yes, but I also want to finally beat into my skull that I’m beautiful and fat.

So here’s to changes in the New Year, ones that will hopefully stick for good this time.

Comments

  1. I feel the same way! My 3rd, and last, baby is 2 and I am still way to heavy. It's time for a change!

  2. I feel your pain honey. I'm 5'4" and like you I haven't weighed myself in a while but last I knew, I'm around 210 and a size 18 or 20 (depending on the brand). I miss my size 5 days — hell, I'd be happy to be a size 9/10 even!

    At least you have a beautiful, wonderful baby to show for it though. Good luck with your weight loss. You can do it!
    Mandi recently posted..Christmas 2010 Video Cuteness!

  3. I must say that I cried a bit while reading this. I found myself nodding along and agreeing with everything you were saying. It's almost as if I had written this post myself, our situations are so similar.

    I had the EXACT same experience at the hairstylists. (damn those full length mirrors) I remember thinking " WHO IS THIS? That is not me! I used to be confident, pretty, funny, cool…etc etc" "Now I am just another shlumpy mommy."

    I HATE THAT.

    I have lost myself somewhere in there.

    I am totally with you. In october, I started weight watchers again, and I LOVE it because it WORKS. I too started keeping track on my blog until I got lazy.

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we are here to support you!!

    Thanks for this great post!

  4. I wont spout the same old you are beautiful shit that you already know. I will tell you that you can do it. And you will. And I will high five you when you do and even if you dont. xo
    Veronica recently posted..Things That Got My Goat This Week – Link Up!

  5. I have been exactly where you are. I know how hard and overwhelming it seems. But you know what? you CAN do it. removing soda was first on my list too. And then eating smaller portions, limit carbs like bread and pasta (my favorites!!) and eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner. And then I started walking. then walking and a little jogging. 18 months later, I am 70 pounds lighter and a runner. I actually have been this weight for over a year. I reached my goal fast once I started running every day. I HAD to make that hour for myself daily. Forced myself. Guess what? the kids are fine. the house isn't a disaster and work still gets done. Please let me know if you need an ear. hugs!!

  6. New follower here would love for you to follow me too

  7. This was such an honest post, and I fully support you and the way you're feeling. More important than a size or number/weight is the way you feel, and that's definitely something worth aspiring to pass onto your little one :)

    Good luck, mama!

  8. I can totally relate! I LOVE food, and can't help it, but stuggle with the weight thing too. I wish I could be like some of my mom friends and be in prepregnancy jeans a week after birth, but my body is not made that way. Best of luck with no soda. I adore Coke Zero and all other Zero type products.

  9. Wishing you the best 2011. Visiting from the blog hop.
    Nancy recently posted..Friday Family Tip – Teaching Children the Importance of Saying Thank You

  10. I am by no means obese, and I won't pretend that I know what it feels like emotionally or physically to be obese. The vast majority of my family is obese and I worry for them daily.

    I do however want to lose a few pounds…mostly for comfort. I gained weight the past few years as I fell into depression. But like you I don't have a lot of time to exercise. In January I cut out a lot of soda…not all of it, but a lot of it…and that helped a lot! But then I went right back to it.

  11. It is so hard. Very hard. I relate to what you are saying. I'm a full time working mother and, exercise? Oh, man. The only way I have found to fit any in is by sacrificing sleep time. And, most of the time, that just sounds downright crazy. When I do have a moment, I feel…depleted. Really. So, I just want to REWARD myself. And I do that by relaxing, chilling out maxin and having a yummy snack. Yup, I hear ya, sista!
    Kristy recently posted..I Am Featured Today at The Red Dress Club!

  12. I know how you feel!

    I'm your newest follower and would love for you to stop by and follow me back!

    Have a safe and Happy New Year!

  13. I hope this is your year to finally achieve your goal – I'm right there with you! Following you from the blog hop, hope you can visit me at http://www.thejoyfuljungle.com Thanks!

  14. Every year for as long as I can remembe I have made the resolution to lose weight and sometimes at some point in the year I manage it and at the end of the year I seem to be the same weight I was at the beginning…this year …I'm going for trying to be healthy..it seems an easier option:) Good luck with your resolutions I hope you have more will power than me…now where did I hide those little cheese footballs :)

    Dropped by from the 2010 blog hop and am your latest follower. please come by if you fancy a laugh. I'd be delighted to welcome you. Wishing you a successful and very happy 2011

    Carol from http://www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com

  15. you are incredibly beautiful and the sexiest woman I have ever seen.
    daddy green recently posted..Fortes fortuna adiuvat

  16. I could have written your post! 5 years ago I lost 32 pounds and vowed to never gain them back…well, guess what I have gained those + 5! I was almost in tears yesterday when I got on the scale. I too am 5'3". I started running in October but didn't change my eating habits, then in October my grandmother died and I lost my motivation. The cold weather moved in and the excuses started. No more excuses. I refuse to buy any larger clothes! I will beginning healthier eating starting Monday. I have done WW but feel so deprived so am going to track my calories on SparkPeople and start my running. Thanks for being so honest!

    Stopping by from the Ring in 2011…would love to have you follow me back! You rock girl!
    Tammy recently posted..Ring in 2011 And Countdown to New Years!

  17. I am struggling with the weight and self image issues as well. i am trying to get into better shape for my health as well as for my family and fall 2011 wedding. I will be blogging about these issues too.I am visiting from the ring in 2011 blog hop. Please visit me @ http://www.mommiesandbeyond.com

  18. What a very honest post! Good luck to you, I'm sure you can do it. Small steps, like you say, make all the difference. Its hard to change a lifetime of eating habits but it CAN be done when your reasons for wanting it are so valid. I look forward to reading how you're doing

    XxX
    ghostwritermummy recently posted..And so chaos resumes…

  19. Hi! I'm your newest follower. I would love it if you would follow back at one or all four of my blogs :)

    http://www.singleparentretreat.com http://singlemamachallenges.blogspot.com/ http://motherdaughterconnection.blogspot.com/ http://jmconsultingservices.blogspot.com/

    Happy New Year!

  20. new follower! (on here, twitter, FB, and subscribed by email)

    http://singlemom-adventures.blogspot.com http://twitter.com/TheMomAdventure
    SM recently posted..A brief announcement!

  21. I applaud your honesty. Like many of the other commenters, I am right there with you, except I've been obese most of my life. I've lost weight before then slowly gained it back and again I find myself, trying again. You have to find what works for you. I have been having great luck with weight watchers, but I know it's not cheap and with a kid it's hard to get to the meetings (my program is through work which is the only way I can do it). I also LOVE sparkpeople.com It's sorta of like facebook for people looking to get healthy. There are "teams" for everybody, on every type or program or with every type of interest. If you join, look me up, Particlegirl22.

    I wish you the best in finding the program that works for you.
    Laura @ The Things I recently posted..I was busy

  22. Hello, new follower here. I definitely have been feeling this same way. I want to get in shape so that I can become a mommy. It's hard because it is what I want most in my life but it's getting to that point of health that is the struggle for me. I feel like crap because I think I am being selfish by not getting into shape. Sometimes I am too hard on myself but I feel like that is what I need sometimes. Size 22-24 jeans and it sucks. I remember being a size 13 and I thought that was big. Oh how naive I once was. Okay, feeling a little better now.

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