Anxiety

I’ve suspected for about as long as I’ve been aware of such things that I suffer from mild anxiety. Feelings of not wanting to go back to school after a few days’ absence, feeling worried and anxious when I’ve forgotten to do something important, etc.

Since having a baby, it has gotten worse. Amplified. My anxiety is full-blown and takes my breath away sometimes. I started feeling kind of weird about it when I worked my Telemarketing Job From Hell. One day as I was texting Joshua I started breathing fast and feeling like I wanted to just run away. I wanted to spring from my chair, sprint down the stairs and run as far as I could. I actually retreated to the bathroom to breathe & cry for a few minutes.

The anxious feelings come out of nowhere sometimes. Right now as I type this, there is a ball in my stomach. It’s a squirming, writhing feeling that is twisting itself into a big uncomfortable knot. I feel overwhelmed. I feel helpless. I feel anxious.

But about what?

I don’t know but I fucking hate this feeling. I have these anxious feelings more and more often and I can’t really pinpoint a trigger. They just happen. I’m starting to wonder more frequently if I need to seek some sort of medicine for the anxiety because as I’ve said, it’s always been there but since I had a baby and my hormones went HOORAY LET’S SMASH AND RUIN THINGS it’s been so much worse.

I know that my anxious feelings have led to a decline in my hobbies; when I get to feeling anxious I don’t want to go to chorus. I don’t want to really do anything but not feel anxious anymore. I just wish I knew where the hell these feelings came from.

Am I totally alone? Am I the only one with squirmy, knotted things living inside their stomachs for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever? How do you deal with this shit?