After reading two separate stories of birds spontaneously falling dead from the sky IN TWO DIFFERENT STATES (Arkansas – which had the added bonus of dead fish in the river – and Louisiana) , I decided that it can only mean one thing:
The Zombie Apocalypse is nigh.
Upon hearing the news I decided it was time to prepare. Collect supplies. Build my Zombie Apocalypse Team. I sought help from my Twitter friends and also from my Facebook friends. We had a very important discussion and if you want to survive the Apocalypse, you need to read our conversation. It could save your life. In the spirit of zombie-fighting, I will substitute their first names for the capitols of the states in which the live. I’m Nashville.
Nashville: Necessities for the impending Zombie Apocalypse:
-Sawed off shotgun
-Gasoline for chainsaw
-Reinforced truck with one of those things you see on the front of trains to move dead cows off the railroad. It also needs to be bulletproof
-Cigarettes because once most of the population is dead, they will be currency
Am I missing anything?
Concord: Boyfriend said “yes, OMG, you’re missing so much.”
Nashville: WELL TELL HIM TO ADD IT TO THE EFFING LIST, WE NEED TO BE PREPARED GODDAMNIT.
Concord: We own the zombie survival guide book. You need a machete, 2 handguns preferably in different calibers, a long range weapon like an ar15 or bolt action rifle..
Nashville: *furiously scribbling*
Springfield: You need food? Or are we only talking about zombie-killing supplies?
Nashville: NO FOOD. FOOD WEIGHS YOU DOWN. WE FORAGE FOR FOOD. AHHHH!
Concord: Boyfriend also says you need his number on speed-dial because he is an expert. Oh, and you also need night vision goggles.
Nashville: Tell him he can be on my Zombie Apocalypse team. I need all the help I can get. MATCHES. ASK HIM IF WE NEED MATCHES.
Concord: Yes matches. No food. Hunting.
Nashville: Yesssss food slows you down. HUNT FOR FOOD. Twinkies & canned beans. WE WILL WIN THE ZOMBIE WAR
Concord: And matches for cigarettes to smoke them because after fighting zombies EVERYONE wants to smoke.
Nashville: WHAT ABOUT INGREDIENTS FOR HOMEMADE BOMBS.
Springfield: Don’t look that shit up go to a library and read it from a book. If you’re ever in trouble with the law before hand they use that shit.
Springfield 2 (there are 2 Springfields): Yes Nashville, go to the library and report back so we can all make some homemade bombs! Wait I have the entire Macguyver series on DVD! I’ll watch and get back to you.
Nashville: MACGUYVER KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ZOMBIES. AHHHH.
Springfield 2: But he knows everything about making bombs!
Montpelier: You guys are ridiculous. If you do the dance from Thriller they leave you alone. Amateurs.
OMG, Montpelier. THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. I think I’ll use her as bait.