Things that Got My Goat This Week

I haven’t done a Goat-Getting post in a while. If you don’t know what all of this goat business is about, my friend Crunchy VT Mommy has a weekly (mostly weekly) thing where she bitches about shit that pissed her off. It’s fabulous and I love it even though I haven’t done it in a while. Here is what got my effing goat this week.

  1. The Stomach Flu: Technically, it got my goat (and my intestines) last week but whatever. The stomach flu can just go jump off an effing bridge. There is NO reason or call for it. NONE. WHATSOEVER. It exists purely to make humans miserable by causing them to simultaneously vomit and shit their brains out. Oh, and what’s worse is that it’s not technically a flu. It’s really more like an angry, vengeful tiger that goes into a bezerker rage and tears your bowels apart. Fuck you, Stomach Tiger.
  2. Ruby Tuesday: Mmmm. Salad bar. Delicious. I love Ruby Tuesday. Their succulent brown croutons (idk what they’re made of. I just know that they’re brown.) are to die for. Their new cheesy biscuits area little ridiculous because they’re approximately the size of a walnut, but whatever. You know what I don’t love? Restaurants that don’t have one of these:  In the bathroom. You know what restaurant doesn’t have one of those in the bathroom?
    RUBY FUCKING TUESDAY. I took Nellie in there the other day to check on her diaper and after spinning in a circle a few times looking for one I discovered THEY DON’T HAVE A CHANGING TABLE. This is not an old, outdated restaurant. This particular Ruby Tuesday was built about three years ago. WHAT THE HELL. JOIN THE 21ST CENTURY, RUBY TUESDAY. I need a place to change my kid’s ass. You know where I’m going to change it? On the nice, plush chair you have sitting in the corner. Have fun sitting where my kid’s bare ass was, other patrons!
  3. Old Navy: Old Navy, you have cute clothes. I love them. When I was skinny I used to shop at your store all the time. But Old Navy,  I’m not skinny anymore. I’m fat now. I wear a size 20. And you offer cute plus-sized clothes, that’s awesome! Oh, but wait. Do you know what’s not awesome? THE FACT THAT YOUR STORES DON’T CARRY THE CUTE PLUS-SIZED CLOTHES. Maybe some do, but none around here do. Do YOU know what it’s like trying to figure out if a certain shirt is going to look right on your lumpy, oddly-shaped mommy frame without trying it on first? No, you don’t Old Navy because you’re not a person. You’re a store. THAT’S NO EXCUSE. GET PLUS SIZED CLOTHES IN YOUR STORE SO I CAN SQUEEZE MY ASS INTO THEM BEFORE I BUY.
  4. Cherry Coke Zero: YOU SON OF A – oh wait. Cherry Coke Zero doesn’t get my goat at all. Cherry Coke Zero is actually delightful and full of win. Remember that whole “I’m not drinking soda anymore” thing I posted about a few weeks ago (just smile and nod)? Yeah, about that. Cherry Coke Zero, I wish I could quit you.

And that, friends, is what Got my Goat This Week. Now write what got YOUR goat, head on over to Crunchy VT Mommy and link up. NOW!