Things I Never Thought I’d Say

There are a lot of things that surprise me about motherhood. How one can survive on 7+ straight months of sleep deprivation. How one tiny little person can make such a horrible, stinky mess in their diaper. How much love my heart can hold.

But I think what surprises me most are the things that come out of my mouth since becoming a mother. For example.

“Please get your mouth off of the kitty’s ear.”
“No, we do not eat rocks!”
“Did you just pee on the rug?”
“She would have napped.. If she hadn’t pooped ten minutes in and woken herself up.”
“Her poop was perfect! Not too hard but not too runny.”
“Oh my god. Did she just lick her diaper pail?”
“No! We do not put our mouth on the shopping cart!”
“No! We do not put our mouth on the slide!”
“I don’t think that your friend wants to be licked on the face.”
“Shoes are for wearing, not for eating.”
“I don’t think that doggy appreciates you pulling on his lips like that.”
“How old was that goldfish cracker she just ate off the floor?”

What are some things that have come out of your mouth as a parent that you never imagined yourself saying?



  1. I am a fan of "Ew! Don't drink the water in your bath!" as we live in a place where the tap water is not meant for human consumption! I also have a similar line about keeping shoes out of the mouth :)

  2. Baby Dickey says:

    Haha, what? Friends don't let friends lick faces?!

    I think it's funny that after a day of work when I haven't seen my husband for hours, our first convo goes something like this: "how was your day? good. did ryan poop yet today?" And I've found myself shouting this across a parking lot as well.

  3. This was fantastic! I love the how old is that goldfish you just ate? And your friiend doesn't want to be licked! I remember saying, "where is your hand?". Yes in the diaper, ew!

  4. "Do not eat the pit droid." . . . yes, we are a geeky family :-)

  5. "Adia, we don't lick the car seats."

  6. akismet-357a6cfab8b57990c89ab5878d05c39d says:

    these are awesome. i cant think of any off the top of my head. ill be back when I remember.

  7. mommyLIT says:

    "We don't put our rubber ducky in the toilet." and "Please don't lick Grandpa's boots."

  8. "Don't grab your junk, it's covered in poop!"


  10. hahahahahaha How do they find the five year old gold fish crackers? I swear, I vacuum this place like a man woman and he STILL finds them! I think he has a secret stash.

  11. I always mocked that "this bag is not a toy" that is on every plastic bag… until MIss C (who just turned 2) was walking around with one over her head saying "where are you? where am i?" as she bumped her way down the hall. Yikes! "Take that plastic bag off your head!" Never thought I'd ever say it!

  12. I find myself saying "we do not dance on the table" all the time.

  13. L O L this is hilarious – sadly, I've been making descriptive comments about poop for years thanks to my dogs and their GI issues…

    I regularly tell Klaw to please stop grabbing his balls (although, I've been saying this since I got married…minus the "Klaw" part of it).

  14. meatlessmouthfuls says:

    "Sand isn't food." "Please don't eat mommy's flip flops." "Don't lick the cat."…as well as most of your list (substitute peas for goldfish)!

  15. Omg! How often I say that mine woke herself up because she pooped!!

    I also hear myself yelling “get the cat food out of your mouth!” a lot!
    Leighann recently posted..Whats That on your Lip

  16. No, you cannot take your sword into the bathtub. It's just not a good idea.

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