Your Fancy Period

If you are a woman, you know that having your period? It sucks. It sucks ass. It’s painful, it’s messy, and it makes you feel slightly homicidal. All of those ads that tell you to “have a happy period” and show women like, horseback riding and playing volleyballs and shit make you furious, don’t they? When I have my period, I want to sit on the couch and watch Steel Magnolias while shoveling enough chocolate to kill a large dog into my mouth. I sure as hell don’t want to ride a fucking horse and the only thing I want to hit a volleyball at? Pretty much anyone who speaks to me or looks at me funny.

So when I was browsing through the sale papers yesterday and came across this ad, I stopped in my tracks and laughed out loud. The geniuses in the feminine product business have come up with a brilliant way to make your period fun. Not just fun, but artistic and fabulous! Behold, the maxi pad that you can bleed on in style:

Please excuse the poor quality of this photo, it was taken in the throes of hysterical laughter with my cell phone.

So, observe the ad. It says that plain pads have their place in the history books, and has drawing of a pad; half of it plain white and the other half has a nifty purple swirly design. There’s a helpful addition, the word “boring!” with an arrow pointing at the plain white side.

Ladies, I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I can now breathe a sigh of relief. No longer do I have to shed my uterine lining on a plain, white maxi pad! No, now I can have my monthly visitor with flair and pizazz! Gone are the days of slapping a boring white cotton pad onto my panties! Finally, I can decorate my underwear with a fun design. Works of art, really. Beautiful swirls of purple, maybe blue, or gasp! Perhaps even a fun, girly shade of pink. Squee and flail!

AREN’T YOU THRILLED? We can finally giggle a little as we walk around with our little secret artwork in our undies! No one will ever know that not only are we on the rag, but we’re having fun with it by having it on a cutesy little swirl design! AHHHH IT’S SO WACKY AND FUN!

So, seriously, this is one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my life. A design on your pad? Are you fucking serious?  I’m sorry, but a little purple scrolly design isn’t going to take my mind off the fact that it feels like someone is grabbing my uterus and twisting it into a knot and I’m retaining so much water it feels like you could poke me with a pin and I’d leak. When I’m on my period, I want all the chocolate forever and an Ibuprofen. NOT AN ARTSY MAXI PAD. Call me crazy, but I know that I can’t be alone here.

So, Kotex, until you start including a big fat chocolate bar with each purchase of your whimsical pads, I will stick to my plain, ‘boring’ feminine hygiene products. Take your purple wackiness and GTFO.



  1. LOL. I guess you won’t be impressed that I got my cloth mamma pads custom designed with cute little monkeys and skulls in bright pinks and purples.

    • Mommy_Boots says:

      No, I get the cloth pad thing. Those are reusable, you're not just gonna wad those up & throw 'em in the garbage. The swirly designs and the fact that they called the white pad "boring" are what kill me. It's a disposable pad! I'm gonna bleed on it, and then throw it away! Silly.

    • That was my thought too. I wonder if this is the same sort of reaction as the 'jean' disposable diapers reaction to the cute cloth booties

  2. When it's my lady time, it feels like owls are trying to claw their way out of my uterus.

    Second, I'd be more impressed if these disposable pad makers could somehow make the same product without all the chemicals. I get that the chemicals make it work like it does, but my lady parts can't handle it. And now it appears their putting more crap down there to rub up on my lady bits. *hugs Diva cup*

    Third – if those yahoos are going to tell me to have "a happy period" they better be including a Vicodin with each pad!

  3. Wow. Why do I feel like these were designed by a man? Who else would think that knowing I'm bleeding on artwork as opposed to a "boring" white pad makes a period ANY better? I mean what do they think I'm going to do- show everyone the pretty picture? Before or after it has remnants of my uterin lining?

  4. Hahaha that's freaking funny. I think it would be genius of them to partner up with Hershey's kisses… seriously that's what I really want during my period – not some damn design!

  5. I love this and now my coworkers think I'm crazy. Ah well, it was only a matter of time. What next? Swirly designed tampons!?

  6. Did you see the ones they have designed for TWEENS? The box has glitter. Again – "well sweet darling, when you evil "friend" comes every month, at least the box has glitter on it right? And cute designs on the pad?" "NO MOM YOU BITCH!"

  7. This was so totally thought of by a man and sadly if it was a woman then shes on crack or 90 and has forgetten what it feels like when you get that gushing between your legs or worse the creature from hell pops out when you cough or sneeze. No pretty swirly thing is going to change how I feel, unless it numbs up that area and takes care of it for me during those 7 days!

  8. I had the exact same reaction to the "have a happy period" ads. I mean come ON. That's just ludicrous. Even my sister (who I hate b/c her period only last for THREE days!!!) doesn't have a "happy" period. I sooo want to believe it was a group of men sitting around deciding this. I would hope that a woman wouldn't sign off on this ad. Ugh!

  9. Uh huh. Yep, that's what I've been waiting for my entire adult life, a pad with artwork. I agree with @lythics, next is a tampon that looks like a swizzle stick.

  10. You're absolutely right… nothing HAPPY about the period unless there is a chocolate bar involved. lol LAME.

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