Human Sharks and Twittercorn.


And then I worked out like, once. And almost died. And then I ate some hot wings and drank a six-pack of beer and was like “Mmmm, Blue Moon forever.”

I’m not going to BlogHer this year, unfortunately. I had plans to go but they fell through and now I’m going to be spending the weekend avoiding all you BlogHer-goers on Twitter like the plague because I’m still a little bitter. I did, however, bring up the fact that those of us who are not going should have our own super awesome Twitter party and I even named it #TwitterCorn. So if you’re eating those sour grapes like I am, join us all weekend for #TwitterCorn. Come whenever. Pants are optional.

Um, anyway, back to being fat. I got to looking at pictures of myself the other night from three years ago when I was working out like, 6 days a week. Seriously. 6 days a frigging week and do you know why? Because I didn’t have a kid and I actually had free time and energy to do things in that free time. Now when I have free time, I sometimes suggest we take a walk. Downtown. To get some ice cream. Because that makes sense.

But I was looking at my smiling, skinny face and wishing I could go back in time and punch myself in it, because I thought I was still fat. If I could go back and say one thing to past-Natalie, it would be “Bitch, you think those thighs are jiggly now? Wait until you’ve carried a human being for nine months while sitting on your ass eating anything that came within biting range. THEN WE’LL TALK ABOUT FAT. Pregnant Natalie is kind of like a Great White shark. She will eat anything and everything. When you give birth to your daughter, they might also find a license plate.”

Okay so the license plate thing never happened but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it had. I was kind of like a vacuum. I don’t think I chewed or tasted my food while I was pregnant. I just sort of opened my mouth and things gravitated toward it. Come to think of it, I’m still kind of like a Great White shark. I still eat like that.

This post really is about making changes to the way I live my life, and the food I put in my mouth. I’m so busy, and I’m so tired at the end of the day I just want to quiet the snarling hunger-hole that is my stomach with whatever is nearby, which usually is some form of chicken nugget or pizza bite. The other night for dinner, I had some rotisserie chicken (no skin) and a leafy green salad with light dressing, carrots, and raw snap pea pods. I was like, “FUCK YEAH HEALTH! LIGHT FOOD! LEAFY GREENS! ANTIOXIDANTS!” and then around 9 P.M. my stomach was like “BITCH WHERE’S THE CAKE?” and I was like “No, stomach. No. You’re big enough.” and it was all, “DON’T SASS ME” and I cried and played some Lady GaGa really loudly which drowned out the sound of it screaming obscenities at me.

I used to know how to eat right, but I also used to have a lot more spare time to fix myself healthy things. I just have to find the balance, to adapt the healthy eating habits I know that I possess to my new, busy lifestyle.

It may be Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but it’s time that this Great White Shark be put out of its misery. Fare thee well, hot wings and pizza. …………Maybe not like, total fare thee well. I mean, I could still have *a* hot wing, right?