Monday Movie with Mommy Boots

I’m not sure that I’ve stressed enough how much I enjoy movies. Josh and I are both big movie buffs, and back before we had a child we used to waste a lot of money go out to the theater to see movies about three times a month. Now? Not so much. We have seen a few since Nellie’s been born, but for the most part our movie-watching habits happen thanks to Netflix and Redbox.

I’ve decided to start a semi-regular (regular if I can remember/find the time to do it) feature called Monday Movie with Mommy Boots. I’ve found myself giving a lot of movie recommendations to friends in real life, on Twitter, etc. and I figured I’d share the love here on my blog.

A coworker recently asked me what my favorite type of movie was, which is an impossible question to answer. I love all sorts of movies. I love horror, drama, romantic comedies, comedies, cult classics, “guy” movies.. I will give anything a chance once. To get a taste of my favorite movies, I love the Princess Bride, American Beauty, Chicago, Crash, Billy Madison, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Usual Suspects, Mamma Mia!, Gone With the Wind, and a lot more.

At the end of each post, I will rate the movie being reviewed and give some suggestions for related watching. Get it? Got it? Good. Here we go. The first movie up is “Season of the Witch” starring Nicholas Cage and Ron Perlman A.K.A “one of the most unfortunate-looking men ever”. Sorry, Ron, you’re awesome in Sons of Anarchy but it’s true.

Anyway. Season of the Witch is a horror/adventure movie that takes place back when people liked to accuse other people of witchcraft if they possessed the ability to wiggle their ears, raise only one eyebrow, sneeze on cue or if their face was asymmetrical. It sucked to be a woman back then because we got the brunt of the witch accusations. Nick Cage and Ron Perlman play two knights of the Crusades who are all “gung-ho kill the infidel” until they start slaughtering women and children and then killing in the name of God isn’t so cool anymore. They run away and come across this village that’s got crows flying above it in a weird triangle pattern. Because THAT’S not weird.

The town is afflicted by a horrible, disgusting plague and one of the priests in the village recognizes their names because they’ve been Crusading for a long time and are really famous and stuff. He tells them that the plague is because of a witch (ooooof course it is) and would they please take this witch to this castle-place filled with monks that’s beyond a bunch of dangerous woods, through a treacherous mountain pass, through a pit of vipers, across a bridge under which sharks with lasers attached to their heads live, that no one knows the way to (kinda makes you wonder how the hell the monks get supplies there, eh? Daddy Green told me to ask that.) They have this super-old and special witch-killing book that they need in order to vanquish said witch. Oh by the way, if they don’t do this they’re going to be hanged for desertion. Nicholas Cage shows off his acting chops (*coughhackcough*) and tells the priest off and they get thrown in the dungeon. Then he has a change of heart when he sees the woman accused of witchcraft, who is kind of cute despite the fact that she’s dirty and probably smells like a sewer. He agrees to take her on one condition: that she gets a fair trial. D’awww.

That’s the basic plot of the movie, there is some cool stuff that happens and then the end sort of goes down the crapper. The girl stares creepily at them from her cage, they get attacked by wolves with scary death faces, and she tries to seduce Nicholas Cage which doesn’t work… Because she probably smells like a sewer.

There’s a lot of  creepy imagery and spooky moments but overall the movie was kind of lame. Nicholas Cage has very cheesy lines that rival “Put the Bunny back in the box” from Con Air.

 

How do I live without you?

 

It’s worth a rent at the Redbox if there’s nothing else interesting but I wouldn’t invest too much money in this movie.

Rating: Out of five *****
** 1/2 – because the imagery and creepy feel of the movie redeemed it somewhat.

Suggestions:
If you’re looking for a good witch movie, rent The Crucible. If you’re looking for a movie with a similar adventurous feel that takes place in the same time period, try Black Death.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the first Monday Movie! Feel free to ask any questions about the movie, give your own recommendations, or discuss the film if you have seen it for yourself.