The She-Stache.

One of the downfalls of being dark-headed is that hair shows up everywhere. Unless you’re not into the whole shaving thing, you HAVE to shave or else you look like a big, fuzzy bear. I have light-headed friends who declare that they never have to shave their legs and I usually shut them up by “accidentally” elbowing them in the face. Oops, was that your nose? Sorry.

I’ve noticed that on certain areas of my body, my hair seems to be darkening the older I get. Or maybe it’s post-pregnancy hormones. Or maybe I’m slowly turning into a werewolf. Regardless of the reason, I’ve begun to develop more and more of what I call a “she-stache” over the past few years. My “she-stache” used to not be that bad. It was kind of pesky, noticeable to me but to my knowledge no one ever took note of it before. I had tried various hair removals, including one unfortunate incident with a depilatory cream where I left it on too long, burned my upper lip and ended up looking like Two-Face. I also tried that NADS (heh. Heh heh.) stuff that’s like honey or sugar or molasses or some shit that you smear on your face and then rip off. It worked pretty well, except for the fact that for some reason the stuff made me break out on my upper lip. And I’m not talking just a few measly little bumps, I’m talking deep and painful pimples that lasted for weeks. I thought perhaps it was just the brand, so I wisely chose a different brand of skin-remover upper-lip wax and got the same results: huge zits from the depths of hell.

I gave up on removing the hair from my face, resigning myself to my fate. Then I got pregnant and after my first trimester, I looked like a magical glowing unicorn from heaven. Seriously, I looked awesome when I was pregnant. My skin was clear, my hair was great and aside from some massive stray hairs on my protruding belly and boobs (which freaked my husband out) my face-fur was pretty well under control. Then I gave birth and my body was like “WHAT THE HELL? Did you just push a MINIATURE HUMAN BEING OUT OF YOUR HOO-HA? I’m FREAKING OUT. PIMPLES. WOLF HAIR. UNCONTROLLABLE FLATULENCE. BODY ODORRRRR. ” and my “she-stache” (whom I’ve since named Shelly. Shelly She-Stache) came back with a vengeance. I stare at her with loathing each day, hoping that somehow my eyes will suddenly emit lasers that will burn the bitch off my face but that never happens. Because science is stupid and hasn’t invented laser eyes yet. What the fuck, science?

I guess that Shelly and I are stuck together until I find some kind of hair removal that doesn’t peel layers of my skin off or summon forth the Satan Pimples. Any suggestions or helpful tips are welcome but please say them discreetly because I think Shelly’s begun developing intelligence and I don’t really want to anger her. *side eye*

 

Comments

  1. Lol…I’m not hairy and after reading this I pray I won’t be after I hv kids. I hv heard of the body odor changing. My friend takes 3 showers per day. hv u thought abt laser? It’s expensive but worth it from what I’ve been told.they hv deals all the time.
    caramel glam recently posted..Teach Me Tuesday

  2. Hahaha! Yes I’ve developed some rogue hairs after pregnancy myself. You should try threading. You know, the hair removal with string that Indian people do? I’m sure you’ve seen a shop somewhere. They’re all over the place here in NYC. But threading works wonders! And lasts pretty long. It just hurts like a beeyotch. You’ve been forewarned. ;).

  3. When I’m not on the pill (’cause I was off of it for a while because we couldn’t figure out what my brain was doing), I got really hairy. I developed a condition some friends lovingly dubbed “bush shorts,” where, instead of having a few hairs around my bikini line, the hairs spread out to mid-thigh. I’m not kidding. Luckily, it wasn’t a thick carpet of hair, it was sparse, but, damn. And I developed hairs on my chinny-chin-chin. That was annoying. But I plucked them and went on my merry way.

    I would suggest going to a salon and being bleached, maybe. I’m a little wary of threading, because, for me, I break the fuck out. I had my eyebrows done twice, and I broke out horribly. I initially though that maybe I went during the wrong time of the month, so I made sure to go back the next time at a different time of the month – same result.

    Since bleaching doesn’t break the skin, I’d give that a shot. But spend a little extra and go to a professional, because if it’s over-bleached, it’ll stand out.
    Megan B recently posted..I am a MACHINE!

  4. Going to a salon. One that uses a wax for sensitive skin. It will probably cost $15 to $20 bucks. But will be well worth it. Make sure you ask if they have wax for sensitive skin- not all places do.

    I’m one of those people you elbow in the face. But I’m not offended. I get it. We suck. But I can tell you since giving birth, I have a ton of gray hair. And when my color grows out it officially looks like i have baby powder all along the edge of my face. Little white hairs outlining my face. Makes me look much older than I am.

    Good luck.
    However, my mom and bff go thru a similar issue. They tried the home wax…and well like you explained….same results. They’ve resigned to hitting up a professional every few months.

  5. I think my sister uses some kind of Nair for the face. She’s had problems with chemicals causing burns and sores but the one she uses now doesn’t. They’ve waxed my upper lip at the salon before at the same time they did my eyebrows and I think it was like $20 total. Not at Hair A Go Go, theirs is more than $20. I think they are more like $35 or something. I never had problems with the wax itself, just the weird cream or oil they put on afterwards, it always made me break out so I tell them not to use it. You could always pluck the hairs, but that would be tedious and irritating. Ohhhh motherhood is glamorous right?
    Rachel recently posted..And this is why I love my job.

  6. Dear, you can’t stop the signal

  7. Ahh, a she-stache! My Mom calls it a fu manchu, which definitely needs to be viewed on Google Images for full effect. But yeah, we usually go with the wax at the salon, because if we use the home wax kit, someone’s eyebrows end up looking like a bad case of mange.
    Honey B. recently posted..Ms. Karma

  8. Here is what you do. I know everything. Run dont walk to the drugstore. Apply daily to upper lip. Grow handlebar mustache. Drink PBR. BOOM invites to all the hottest clubs in NYC. Gold.
    Veronica recently posted..I Survived: Blogher Conference Edition Part II

  9. Definitely threading. I can totally relate. I have the same problem now. Threading is like $8, quick, and lasts about a month. It does hurt like a bitch, but only for seconds. There are kiosks at the mall here and independent salons as well. I just did it yesterday and feel so much better!
    candice recently posted..junk: why working sucks

  10. Olay facial hair duo removal. The ONLY thing that has worked for me. And I mean ONLY.

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge