Childhood Trauma: The Christmas Edition

Once again, I am participating in Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. The prompt I chose this week is “10 Things I Wanted for Christmas as a Kid but Didn’t Get and Still Want”. We all have those Holy Grail items; the ones we still put up on a pedestal from childhood. Those bright, shiny trinkets and toys that we never did get our grubby little chocolate-covered fingers on and are still bitter about today.

I am no exception. Here are the top ten things I wanted for Christmas but never got and still might want just a little.

10. Various Barbie Dolls: from the ages of four until about six, I was banned from getting Barbie dolls. It was cruel and unusual punishment. I lamented many a night about my lack of Barbie dolls. Nevermind the fact that I was banned because I had a penchant for pulling their heads off and shaving their hair, clogging the drain in our bathtub. It was inhumane to keep Barbie from me, damnit. I WANT ALL THE BARBIE DOLLS I NEVER GOT.
9. An Easy-Bake Oven: My parents said I’d start a fire. Burn the house down. Burn myself. WHAT THE HELL, MOM AND DAD. It’s a tiny little toy oven. Do you really think my cupcake-making ventures would have ended in our house being in ashes? PROBABLY NOT. I don’t care that I have a real oven now, I’m still pissed about the lack of Easy Bake in my life.
8. A Pogo Stick: Who doesn’t let their child have a pogo stick and use it in the house? I might as well have lived in a police state. Jesus.
7. My Little Ponies: Again, I had a temporary ban on My Little Ponies. Because I liked to give them mohawks. My parents were always stifling my creativity. Ugh.
6. Red Ryder BB Gun: Wait. That wasn’t me at all. Shit.
5. A Tattoo of a Velociraptor: Because, obviously. Why wouldn’t a 9 year old get a velociraptor tattoo for Christmas? Because their parents are anti-fun and like to oppress creativity. That’s why. I would have been the coolest kid in school. COOLEST. EVER.
4. A Kitten: I don’t care that we had five cats already. I never got a kitten for Christmas. I never got to experience the joy/excitement of picking up a box and hearing mewing from inside. I never got to live the thrill of opening said box and having a snow-white fluffy kitten with a red bow tied around its neck crawl out and start nuzzling me. WHY, MOM AND DAD? Why would you rob me of this experience?!
3. A Trampoline: What child doesn’t have excess energy to burn off? And what is the best way to do that? By jumping up and down until you pass out on the ground from exhaustion. This gift really would have done my mom and dad a favor by tiring me out so I slept well. Okay, so, I broke my toe on someone else’s trampoline once but it was just a toe. It’s not like it was my whole leg for crying out loud. Jeez.
2. Ice Skates: “You don’t ice skate”, they’d say. “BUT I WOULD IF I HAD ICE SKATES.” I’d retort. For one of my birthdays, my mom took me and a few friends to a local ice skating rink where I fell on my ass approximately every five minutes. She may not have seen my Olympic potential, but I bet if I’d had those damn ice skates I could’ve been the next Kristi Yamaguchi. For reals.

And the #1 Christmas present I never got that I am bitter about to this day is…

1. A Power Wheels Car: OH. MY. GOD. Seriously. Every time I see a Power Wheels I get pissed off. I want Nellie to have one, but every time she sits in one I get jealous. WHY DOES SHE GET A POWER WHEELS? I DIDN’T. GET YOUR LITTLE ASS OUT OF THAT PINK CAR. Sure, I drive my own car now but IT DOESN’T MATTER. My parents NEVER got me a Power Wheels. Because “they were too dangerous”. I might “drive out into traffic and get run over by a car” or “might be crossing someone’s driveway and they won’t see you and they’ll back right over you”. Right.. Because those things can’t happen ON A BICYCLE. My parents were OBVIOUSLY jealous that Power Wheels cars were way cooler than their Taurus. Because, DUH. If you had a choice between driving a sweet ass pink convertible with Barbie’s face on the side and a TAURUS, which would you choose? That’s what I thought. Back when I was young, I remember there being a Barbie Power Wheels and like, a Jeep. I think that was it. Now they have Convertibles and John Deere Tractors and like Range Rovers with spinning rims and thumping bass systems and shit. Think of how awesome a driver I could’ve been if my parents had gotten me a Power Wheels. I COULD HAVE DRIVEN FOR NASCAR.

…………………. On second thought, maybe it’s for the best that mom and dad didn’t get me a Power Wheels.

 

Merry Christmas! Don’t traumatize your children. Get them what they want. Or don’t, and wait 25 years for them to write a bitter blog post about you on the internet. Whatever. It’s YOUR choice.