Hard Times.

I’m not going to say much here except that my family and I are going through an incredibly hard time right now. My mother, with whom I do not have a good relationship, was admitted into critical care Wednesday night after being there for a routine doctor appointment when she suddenly coded and had to be shocked back to life.

She coded four times in two days. Her heart seems to have stabilized for now but everything is very touch and go. She ha a multitude of other issues ad ailments and she is very, very sick. To the point that my dad, brother, her two sisters, two of my cousins and a family friend drove overnight 10 hours to come here.

She has no power of attorney assigned, no end of life plans and until yesterday, no one had any idea her feelings about life support, ventilators, etc. the doctor spoke with her and she agrees to DNR paperwork that I signed yesterday. It was a surreal moment and even though I know this isn’t the case, as I scrawled my name across that paper the first thought that seeped into my brain was, “you’re signing her death warrant.”

I don’t think it will be long. But I don’t know for sure. My dad and brother will have to leave and go back home soon and then it will be me and her best friend here. I’m afraid, I’m sad, and I’m so many other emotions I’m not even sure what to call them.

All I know is that for the time being, I’ve been able to put the intense anger I have toward her on hold for now, because it doesn’t do either of us any good.

That’s really all. Not really the Christmas I pictured, but life gets in the way of our plans sometimes.

Whatever you believe in, whether it be prayer or positive energy, please send it out way because we have a rough road ahead still.