Urn Shopping 101

Did you know that Wal-Mart sells caskets & urns? I didn’t until today. A coworker mentioned it to me because she knows I’m urn shopping. I’m shopping for three urns, to be exact. We are splitting mom’s ashes three ways (how weird and morbid is that?). Did you also know that there are different sizes of urns that hold varying volumes of remains? Sorry for being kind of graphic; I know this isn’t a topic a lot of people like to think of but really, it needs to be something more openly discussed. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never shopped for ONE urn let alone three before. Not exactly like they offer an “Urn Shopping 101” class. Now enrolling: “Urn Shopping 101”, in between “Sewing for Dummies” and “Beginner’s Glass Blowing”.

We opted for the funeral home to divvy up the ashes, because the thought of that makes me want to barf. So oogy and weird. Let the professionals handle that.

That’s been my morning. How’s yours? This morbid post brought to you by Mommy Boots.

But seriously. Urns are fucking expensive. Ever see the Big Lebowski? Put me in a damn coffee can and scatter me somewhere when I die. I swear to god if my family spends $200 on a damned urn I will haunt them forever. YOU HEAR ME, FAMILY? COFFEE CAN. PREFERABLY FOLGERS. HAUNTING FOREVER. I don’t need an urn with my name engraved on it and doves flying or Jesus weeping or Jesus weeping over flying doves. I’ll be dead. It doesn’t matter. My wishes are to be scattered anyway, so why spend a ton of money on something decorative that my ashes will sit until they’re scattered?

Pet urns are cheaper than human urns. I might be looking at those as a viable option to put my mom’s remains in. She really did like cats, after all.

See? I still have a sense of humor. It’s been touched¬†by a bit of the macabre, but it’s still there.

 

Comments

  1. I recommend you get in touch with Eileen. We were talking about urns just the other day. Girl’s in the industry, she can point you in the right direction.

    • Also, my boss’s dad had a weird request for after he died.

      He wanted his ashes left in the cheap container the funeral home gives you. He wanted one of his sons to rent a car, drive it around for a while, and leave his ashes in the trunk of the rental car.

      I don’t know if they ever went through with it, but now I check the trunks of rental cars whenever I rent one.
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  2. I think it was a good choice to let the funeral home divvy up the ashes. My Great-Uncle wanted to have his ashes spread. We were told by the funeral home this is technically not legal (don’t know if this is a PA-specific law or national) but that they would basically “turn the other way” because they don’t like to interfere with the wishes people have. Anyway, we got his ashes in a tin basically, and inside the tin there was a bag of ashes. Half his ashes were scattered in the Allegheny National forest, where that branch of my family originated, and the other half were scattered on Cocoa Beach in Florida where my uncle spent his winters. Anyway — I was with my mom when she scattered the ashes in PA — and it was an AWFUL experience for her. I don’t want to be too graphic, but the ashes aren’t 100% dust-dust. There are tiny bone fragments, etc. And you have to be careful which way the wind is blowing … etc. It’s just a very upsetting thing to have to do. I had always said I wanted my ashes scattered too but after having seen her go through with that — I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So I’ll be happy to be in an urn on someone’s mantle instead.
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    • That is correct – it is technically illegal to spread ashes, and that is a national law because it’s human remains.

      But, it’s “ash,” and not really a biohazard, so a lot of funeral homes look the other way.

      I’ve got a sister who is currently in school to become a mortician, so I know all sorts of weird stuff.

      And thanks for giving the heads up on the remains. There are a lot of things that aren’t “common” knowledge, and sometimes that kind of stuff can be pretty traumatizing (as in your mother’s case. Please give her a hug for me).

  3. I’ve never really thought about all of that either. My mom has made it well know that when she passes, she wants to be cremated(i didnt spell that right) and I assumed that the funeral home just had some. I didnt realize there was more to it. Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps you to get this stuff out too.
    Oh, and Folders doesnt use a ‘can’ anymore. They are plastic!!! You may need to pick a different brand if you want the can (lol). What about Chocked Full of Nuts brand, lol!
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