Everyone gave me such encouragement on my last blog post about auditioning for the musical – thank you everyone for your words of support and the wishes to break legs. It meant so much to me.
Nellie started running a fever on Monday – I had to take her home early from daycare. My Monday plans for auditioning fell through – but auditions were still being held the next night so I made plans to go on Tuesday evening.
I was tucking my feverish baby into bed Monday night and as I bent down to kiss her forehead, she put her little hands on either side of my face, looked into my eyes and said, “Mama.”
And in that moment, I lost all motivation and want to audition for the musical. In that moment, I became hyper-aware of the fact that my daughter was constantly changing, that each day she would re-invent herself. I thought about all that I would miss out on while I was away; her funny little laugh, her running around the apartment declaring she was Spider-Man, chasing Josh around and growling at him saying she was The Beast.. Her little kisses, her “I Love You’s”… Suddenly, the thought of being away from her every single night for two months became unbearable. I got to thinking about how she missed me when I was gone during my mom’s time in the hospital; how she had trouble sleeping for weeks after, how she acted out, and I couldn’t bring myself to put her through that again.
I closed the door to her bedroom and sat beside my husband on the couch. He put his arm around me and I snuggled close, and told him that I wasn’t going to audition. He looked at me, concerned, and I told him my reasons. I couldn’t be away from my family every single night for two months. Not right now. We are all away from each other so much as it is between working, daycare, and the business of day-to-day life that our time together is precious and fleeting.
There will be other shows. There will be other opportunities. The theater center isn’t going anywhere, and as long as it is there, they will have musicals. But my child will only be this young once, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on the chance to tuck her in before she gets too old to want me to do it. The stage will just have to wait – my starring role right now is Mommy.