Vintage Mommy Boots

 

Mama’s Losin’ It
I haven’t done a Writer’s Workshop in a few weeks, so I thought it was time to jump in and tackle one again. The prompt I chose was relatively easy: Recycle a favorite post from July of any year you’ve been blogging.

While this one I’m about to share isn’t necessarily a favorite, it takes me back to a reflective place. This post from four years ago embodies where I was back in the summer of 2008: still grieving from my miscarriage, dreading the arrival of my due date, and in a place of heartache and pain.

July 31st, 2008
It’s the Little Things

It’s amazing. The smallest things that went unnoticed before my miscarriage now carry the power to reduce me to tears.

A baby’s laugh. A commercial featuring chubby-cheeked, wobbly little toddlers running around a living room. A mother planting a gentle kiss on her newborn baby’s forehead.

These images, these sounds can catch me completely off guard, and make me feel like my world is tumbling in around me. In these moments, I look down at my belly, which should be swollen to the point of discomfort. I should be waddling like a duck. I should be wincing as my baby gouges me in the ribs, kicks me in places that I never thought I could be kicked before. I look longingly down at my belly which is, by no means a flat thing, but is not round as it should be.

My due date is next weekend. Next weekend. How did it get here so quickly? How did it get here at all? For the past 9 months, it’s been so far in the distance, I suppose I never really thought about dealing with it before. But here it comes, looming ever closer. I wonder sometimes if once it’s passed, the pain will lessen. I wonder if once it is behind me, I will stop looking down at my stomach with a wistful gaze….

I just heard an old man say, “Hope springs eternal” on the TV. I don’t know how that became my mantra, but I find myself using that quote everywhere.

I’m ready to be a mommy. I’m ready to hold my baby, to love my baby, to be a mother to my baby. I want my babies so much. I love them, all of them, and they aren’t even conceived yet.

Sometimes this grief feels like it’s going to swallow me whole. I feel like my heart is so swollen; it’s a wonder that it hasn’t burst. My eyes are so heavy with tears, I am amazed that I can keep them open.

Sometimes, all I can do is hang my head, hug myself, and cry.

Originally posted July 31st, 2008 when my blog was still called Hope Springs Eternal. You can find the original post here. 

 

Comments

  1. Good luck to you! I just hope everything will get better and we all are excited to see your baby and their smiles..
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  2. You took me back to my two post miscarriage due dates. You expressed the very specific pain of this type of loss with such beauty.
    Jennifer Worrell recently posted..I Flashed My Wits on FNS!

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