Potty Training SUCKS. Know What Doesn’t? VODKA.

A few months ago I wrote this post about potty training Nellie. I bitched and moaned about how frustrating it was, wondered aloud if it was too soon and if we should just wait, and called Llama Llama an asshole. Because he kind of is one.

At the time of that post, we had really only scratched the surface with potty training. Little did I know how frustrating it would become once we jumped right in and committed to getting it done. Let me tell you this now: Potty training is,  hands-down, THE most frustrating I’ve ever had to deal with as a parent. Like, WORST. EVER. My kid is stubborn (don’t know where she gets it), a little sensitive, and cute as shit so it’s hard to stay annoyed. And also you don’t WANT to be annoyed at them with this, because making potty training a negative experience will most likely make them fail at everything forever in life and during their graduation speech they will be like WELL I COULD HAVE BEEN VALEDICTORIAN, BUT MY MOM LOOKED AT ME FUNNY ONE TIME WHEN I WAS POTTY TRAINING AND I’VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE.

Parenthood: You will fuck up, guaranteed. Have fun!

I wish I had some wise or clever tips for how we got Nellie pee-trained but I don’t have anything for you. One day after constant accidents and meltdowns over just sitting on the toilet, we sent her to school in panties and BAM. No more accidents. She just up and decided she could pee in the toilet. Yay! Parade! GIVE ME SOME DAMN CANDY. I don’t know why I thought this would be any different than any other milestone in her life. She has ALWAYS done things HER way, when she was damn well ready.

She’s had one regression that lasted about three days which prompted a visit to the doctor’s office to make sure she didn’t have a UTI or anything like that. During the regression she pissed all over my in-laws’ rug, which was really a bummer because that rug really tied the room together.

We are still struggling with poop training. She went once yesterday and I cheered and clapped like a drunk cheerleader at a pep rally.  We haven’t even attempted nighttime training yet. As for me? Well, I have seen new and exciting bathrooms that I’ve never visited before thanks to my toddler’s new skill. We patronized the bathroom to the local T.G.I.Friday’s three times in one visit the other night. Three! I haven’t gone to a public restroom that frequently since my days of getting super drunk and vomiting in public restrooms at family restaurants. Fun times.

If I could give one piece of advice to parents of potty-training toddlers, it would be this:

Give up all sense that you are in control here, because you aren’t. They will piss and poop on that damn thing when they are good and ready. In the meantime, buy them lots of candy and stickers, get ready to dance and clap and squeal like a crazy person when they DO make it in the potty, buy yourself some vodka, and have a seat on the floor of your bathroom because you’re probably going to be there for a while.