The Midnight Crapper

 

So there are a lot of things people warned me about when I was about to become a mom. Some of those things were:

  • How hard breastfeeding is.
  • How you will learn to function on 2 hours of sleep.
  • How you will always worry.
  • To be prepare for your infant to poop/pee/barf on you.
  • How you will never, ever sleep again. Ever.

We’ve made it through my child’s infancy and the first year of toddlerhood. Now that we are well into toddlerhood and Nellie is about to hit her preschooler phase, we’ve been faced with the hardest challenge yet, and that’s potty training. There are some things people (kind of ) warned me about potty training:

  • It will be frustrating.
  • It will be hard.
  • It will make you want to pull your hair out.
  • Your child won’t do it until they are ready.

But do you know what no one told me? Not a single fucking person?

That my child would shit on the floor. Repeatedly. 

For the past week or so my daughter has waited until bedtime, liberated herself of her Pull-Up, and shit on the floor of her bedroom. The first time, she just cried for us. We opened the door to her standing and pointing, yelling, “LOOK, MAMA. LOOK WHAT HAPPEN”.  It was all over her hands, smeared into the carpet, and on the walls. We frantically worked as a team to get everything cleaned up; me taking the shit-covered child and Josh dealing with the clean-up of her bedroom. While standing in the bathroom as I ran the bathtub, she got excited that she got to take a bath and began clapping her hands together while I frantically tried to get her to stop without barfing.

Look what happen in-fucking-deed.

After about a week of that, she began to (kind of) put 2+2 together and realized that her poop goes in the toilet. So instead of squalling for us and pointing at her feces, she decided she would – literally – take matters into her own hands. And by matters, I mean HER SHIT.  She’d scoop it up in her little hands, quietly open the door to her bedroom and sneak out into the hallway to bestow her gift unto the porcelain gods. Then she would come back into the living room and announce, “I put my poop in the potty! …..It on my hands…”

Sunday night’s debacle was particularly trying. It had gone on for over a week, and I’ve walked a thin line between wanting to clearly convey to her that what she’s doing isn’t acceptable without shaming her. I have kept a very neutral tone and face, and have said things like:

  • I’m disappointed that you took your Pull-Up off instead of coming to us and telling us you pooped.
  • I wish you had sat on the potty and pooped.
  • Please do NOT take your Pull-Up off again. Come tell us if you poop.

While inside my head, it’s really more like:

  • MOTHER. FUCKER. AGAIN? REALLY?!
  • IF YOU KEEP CRAPPING ON YOUR FLOOR, YOUR ROOM IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE A ZOO.
  • STOP TOUCHING THINGS. I’M GOING TO VOMIT HERE IT COMES – NOPE, SWALLOWED IT.
  • OH GOD IT’S UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS DON’T. TOUCH. ME.
  • I’M GOING TO STAPLE THAT PULL-UP TO YOUR ASS.

Her little incidents have only happened at bedtime, so I’ve dubbed her the Midnight Crapper. Josh calls her the Shit Giver. We’re both hoping that this is just a phase and that SOON, she will learn that yes, her poop goes in the potty. Just not the way she has done it.

Poop In the Potty: UR DOING IT WRONG.

Parents: What the eff am I supposed to do to remedy this? Wait it out? Should I be more firm? WHY DOES MY CHILD NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS CRAP ON HER EVERYTHING?

 

Comments

  1. OMG I am CRYING laughing over here! Pookah always wants privacy when he goes, but this past weekend, I guess he got bored and decided to leave the bathroom and walk back to the playroom with poop dripping out of his ass. It was on the floor, my white carpet in the living room, smeared on the bathroom walls where he had tried to clean it up. All over his hands. In his hair. OMG. C Dub put him in the tub while I dealt with the carnage. I hate potty training. And I never want to do this again. EVER
    LaShawn recently posted..Currently….

  2. Bwahahahaha too funny. I never had that problem at all. My son did poop one time on my carpet but after I yelled cried and screamed it never happened again.
    Kita recently posted..TGIF

  3. hysterical. I have had a few of those moments, but when I think about them it freaks me out so I won’t discuss. I waited it out with the kid, literally, I started timing his poops and imprisoning him on the potty until he let it out.
    Nellie recently posted..That One Time I Cried At Zumba.

  4. You could always try a social story using pics of her, potty and such.

  5. I am crying with laughter. I was always very adamant about where shit went and it wasn’t supposed to go (not in the tub! Defeats the purpose of trying to get clean!). I hope this phase passes very very quickly for you.
    Nicole P. recently posted..Kiss and Go Can Kiss Mine

  6. HAHAHA OMG I’m so sorry. Really, I am. Toddlers are a tough breed. I agree with the Social Story idea. I’ve heard they work. I generally just continue with the cussin’ in my head method, but it doesn’t seem to do much good.
    Sally @ Exploits of a military Mama recently posted..Ladies and Pistols

  7. lol ummmm well as much as this offends my very delicate sensibilities and the language MY GOD THE LANGUAGE you fucking mess lol no seriously. Uhhh we’ve all been there lady. My advice? fake cry. Cry as hard as you can. OMG im sooooo sad you touched that dirty filthy poop. WHYYYY WHYYYYY *Nancy Kerrigan voice*. Try that.
    Veronica recently posted..How to critique your own photographs

  8. My girlfriend had this problem with her daughter. My son is now 2 and we are starting potty training. What I was told is either put him in a onesie under his PJ’s to stop the diaper take off or put his zip up pajamas on backwards so he can’t unzip and get to the poop to get it all over the place.

    So far the onesie at night works (who knew they come in 24 months sizing) until we have a better solution, i.e. pooping in the potty itself!

    Not a solution to potty training, but you may decrease the amount of poop outside the toilet.

  9. Tell you what – I’ll come up with a solution to your child pooping on the floor if you come up with a solution to my child voluntarily pooping in her underwear. She CAN and HAS pooped in the toilet, but now chooses not to because it’s “scary”. Apparently not scary enough to use for peeing, though. And I’ve exhausted my current store of remedies/bribes/emotional tactics. OMG FML.
    shasta recently posted..How much blog could a blog post post…

  10. Oh. My. GAWD. Okay, you need to bribe the crap out her. Literally. (HA!) Buy the most irresistible toy- maybe even a few of them. You don’t have to break the bank- kids like the stupidest things- just get them, show them to her and place them juuuuuuust out of reach. Tell her that when she poops IN THE POTTY AND DOESN’T TOUCH IT, she’ll get one of the special things. For us it was My Little Pony’s that did the trick.

    Good luck!

    Also…VOM. Gross! Poor you! 😉

  11. OMG…no advice but just want to say I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud at work.

  12. Because I refused to deal with shit on floors, we let our daughter decide when she was ready. No pull-ups or any of that jazz. One day, she told us she was ready to wear panties and that was that. Haven’t had a problem since.
    My advice: throw the pull-ups away, she’s probably not ready yet. Get diapers she can’t take off, e.g. cloth ones with snaps (or padlocks) And just try again in a few months. Or leave it be until she tells you.

  13. Four children and I have never once experienced this! I have NO advice at all, but I wish you luck. I’d have locked one of these Minions out of the house after the first time, hahaha!
    Monique recently posted..Finally, Autumn

  14. Could not stop laughing! Then when Blake wanted to know what was so funny, I couldn’t tell him because he was the one that would throw up with poop. Literally, he had to keep a trash can by the changing table in case he threw up from a yucky diaper.
    Ok, here’s my opinion: it all comes down to why she’s taking off her diaper. If she’s taking it off cause she’s getting ready to go potty but then doesn’t make it, then you train her that pull ups only go on/off in the bathroom. Period. That will help her make it to the potty.
    But, if she’s taking it off cause she’s pooped in her pull up and it’s uncomfortable so it’s gotta come off NOW, then I’d take a different approach. Maybe have her wear underwear, so she’d be really uncomfortable. Or you could leave her pull up off until she poops. You could try telling her that pull ups only work for pee, but if she’s going to poop in them she has to go back to diapers at night.
    We didn’t have this particular problem, thankfully. The other thing I have to add is that we always made baths from a poop accident un-fun. I’d make my kids stand up in the tub to get clean, then do it fast and let them get a little cold.
    Good luck.

  15. I know this is extremely unhelpful, but I don’t have much in the way of advice – just a cramp in my side from hysterically laughing at this post. I’m sorry!!!

    Hopefully it’s just a phase!
    B recently posted..Things to Do in Austin: Red Bud Isle.

  16. Apparently not scary enough to use for peeing, though. And I’ve exhausted my current store of remedies/bribes/emotional tactics.
    Ava recently posted..Business Opportunities in the UK

  17. Have you tried modelling appropriate pooping behavior? At the appropriate hour, you should announce loudly, “It is time for me to go poop! I’m going to poop in the potty, because that is where poop goes!”. Or you could try, “Nellie, it’s time for me to go poop. Where should I go???? If she says “potty” HOOORAYYY. Poop goes in the potty! Josh must participate also. What fun parenting is…

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