Sick o’ Ween

Happy Halloween, party people!

I’m not sure why I just called you “party people”. It’s probably because it’s late, and I haven’t had much sleep, and have also had a drink (or two) because it’s been an interesting three days.

Let’s bring it back to Friday, which was awesome. We attended a local event at the aquarium here. Nellie dressed up, complete with glitter makeup on her face – which, by the way, is the worst idea ever. If you’re thinking of ever putting glitter make up on your almost 3 year old’s face? DON’T. Just fucking don’t. Because it gets everywhere and is impossible to wipe off, and that cute little flower you painted on her cheek will end up looking like she face-planted into a clown by the end of the night – and partied with sharks, stingrays, and jellyfish. We got goodies and had a blast. Saturday we attended a fall festival at the local nature center, which was even more awesome than the aquarium. Nellie rode her first pony, we got to see a bunch of cool critters, and caught a little bit of an outside viewing of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!”.

It’s good that we got all our Halloween out over the weekend, because by Monday morning the party was over. Nellie was sick with an awful cough and a fever, so I kept her home from daycare.

Tuesday, more or less the same, but with a slightly more spirited toddler.. Except into the evening, when she became feverish and cough-y again.

Kept her home Wednesday, when I decided to take her to the doctor. Turns out, she has a severe ear infection and croup. The ear infection was a big WTF for us all, because she never exhibited symptoms of an ear infection. Anywho. We had grand plans to take her Trick or Treating with her BFF Bella, but those were shot in the ass by Mr. Croup. Thanks, asshole. I dressed her up anyway because why the hell not? Took her to Josh’s parents house so they could see her, and she could get a change of environment. We’ve been instructed to one more day home for sure, then play Friday by ear.

So here I sit, on All Hallow’s Eve, with a slight buzz. Oh, did I mention that my treat this year was catching my child’s vomit in my hand? I DIDN’T? How did I leave that out? Nellie woke up coughing. The medicine we have her on is thankfully turning her barky/dry cough into a more productive one. Seems the little lady had so much mucous it was gagging her a little, so before I knew it the little girl I had cuddled in my lap was puking in my hand. Trick or Treat, smell my feet, I’VE GOT THE CROUP AND NOW YOU HAVE BARF IN YOUR HAND.

I have a feeling we might be in for another long night. I forgot to mention what Nellie was for Halloween. It was originally a purple glitter fairy/butterfly but today it just sort of evolved into Luna Lovegood.

Ten points to Gryffindor.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

 

That Time You’re Recognized From a Facebook Photo

So my weekend was pretty interesting. I got invited to a party weeks ago and was really excited about it. The host posted photos of the decorations he was putting up all month long and my anticipation and excitement grew as the date came closer. I debated what I should be. Katniss? A crazy cat lady? A zombie Mitt Romney? Nothing seemed right until one day, I was struck with inspiration for a costume that was truly perfect and screamed NATALIE. And also something else, but I’ll get to that.

The party was great. Perfect amount of people, great food, PLENTY of drinks (and when I say plenty I mean enough to get Texas drunk), and the host went all-out. I mean it. He decorated every single room in his house. It was amazing! I had a wonderful time, met some fun people, had too many Jell-O shots, played with a Ouija board and acted like I knew what the hell I was doing, ended up piling in a car with two Oompa-Loompas (one was sober), a zombie cat lady, and Honey Boo Boo and we drove off to the (very haunted, if you believe in that sort of thing) Chickamauga Battlefield at 1 A.M. like a car full of 16 year olds with nothing better to do.

All in all, it was an extremely fun night.

On Monday, I walked into Nellie’s day care only to be stopped by one of her teachers:

Her: Hey! I meant to ask you – how do you know Justin?
Me: *frozen* Uhhhh… Justin *lastname*?
Her: Yeah!
Me: You…. saw the tagged Halloween party pictures on Facebook, didn’t you.
Her: Yeah, I did! We went to high school together, and I was looking through the party pictures and saw you and thought you looked familiar, but it was hard to tell with your costume. Then I saw your name and was like OMG that’s Nellie’s mom!
Me: *mentally running through the tagged photos I saw and wondering if I was caught taking Jell-O shots* Ha.. haa… Yeah! It was.. a fun time…

Miraculously, the party paparazzi didn’t snap a single photo of me imbibing. It did, however, catch me in all my costumed glory:

I’m not sure if this is more or less embarrassing than a photo of me double-fisting Jell-O shots and eating pigs-in-a-blanket while hunched over a Oujia board. While I’m not embarrassed of my costume (because it’s fucking AMAZING), I learned from the party that trying to explain ERMAHGERD to someone who hasn’t heard of it is the most awkward thing ever. Luckily the girl did not ask about my costume and let me go on my awkward way.

OH, FACEBOOK. YOU AND YOUR TAGGING MADNESS. You crazy ass social bastard.

BlogHer Book Club Review: Diary of a Submissive

 

The latest book I read is described as a “real life Fifty Shades of Grey”. I was hesitant about whether I wanted to read this book – not because I’m a prude or shy away from things sexual in content – but because I know what Fifty Shades is about; I skimmed a few pages on my best friend’s Nook, and I had no desire to read it. One, the subject didn’t appeal to me. Two, it’s fanfic. Three, it’s TWILIGHT fanfic. Two things I despise more than anything are Twilight, and fanfic. Ugh.

I digress. I decided to read this book because of the fact that it was a memoir and not a work of fiction. I thought that, if nothing else, it’d give me a glimpse into a world I knew nothing about: a world where women submitted completely and totally to their “doms” (dominants) in a sexual nature.

WELL, friends. WELL. Let me tell you something about this book. I am hard to shock. Vulgar language and sexual conversations usually don’t phase me but OH MY GOD THIS BOOK.

It’s the true tale of Sophie Morgan (not her real name for OBVIOUS REASONS), a British journalist who happens to like to get the crap beat out of her in the sack. You may chuckle at that, but I’M NOT EXAGGERATING. At first, when she described her first submissive experiences, I was kind of into it. I mean, who doesn’t like a little spanking in the heat of the moment? Oh, I’ve been a bad girl? What? You want to pull my hair? Well, okay. That’s pretty – I’m sorry, did you say you want to hit me with a belt? And a cane – wait, a CANE? Like, as in CANING? LIKE WHAT THEY DID TO THAT KID IN SINGAPORE IN THE ’90s? You’re joking, right?

Sophie described her experiences with being beaten as punishment. With belts, canes, and even a paddle with raised letters to form the word “SLUT” that she allowed a boyfriend to repeatedly whack her with until she was branded. And the entire time she’s describing these things, she reiterated how much she loved it. How much of a turn-on it was for her. I’m sorry, Sophie, but you lost me at “slut paddle”.

This book was actually really difficult for me to finish. I had a very hard time reading about this woman who enjoyed being degraded, beaten, humiliated, and treated like an object. It was fascinating at first, and toward the end I just felt kind of sad for her. I just didn’t understand how she could put up with that, let alone find it a turn-on. I’m not trying to judge her – she’s a consenting adult – but I can’t help but wonder why? Why does she enjoy men treating her like that?

I appreciated Sophie’s honesty and candid writing. She didn’t shy away from graphic details – no “love handle” or “throbbing member” imagery here. She was very explicit. Toward the end, she and her boyfriend had an entire 24 hours of D/s debauchery and the degradation and whipping was so bad, I had to force myself through the last few pages.

If you enjoyed Fifty Shades, I guess you’d probably like this? I’m not really sure, because I haven’t read Fifty Shades myself. If you enjoy being tied to chairs and slapped in the face with a penis, you’d probably enjoy this book or, if you want to peek into the bedroom of someone whose lifestyle is a complete mystery to you – you’d might enjoy this. Personally, I think that I will pour salt over this book and burn it to make sure the spirit of Sophie’s sadistic “dom” doesn’t manifest in my living room and try to brand me with his slut paddle.

DISCLOSURE:  I received both monetary compensation and a copy of Matched for this post as part of the BlogHer Book Club. You can read more about this book or join the discussion by visiting the BlogHer Book Club’s discussion of Diary of a Submissive These thoughts and words are 100% authentic, and 100% my own. 

This is Halloween

Nellie’s first Halloween wasn’t very interesting. She was 9 months old, I meant to put her in something cute that showed off how adorable and “baby” she was but it turns out I’m kind of a procrastinator and that never happened. We did have a super cute Halloween-themed photo shoot with her though, which kind of made up for the lack of 1st Halloween costume.

Last year, we decided Nellie told us she wanted to be Spider-Man. It was adorable, except sometimes the costume made her cry.

We’ve been asking Nellie for a few weeks what she wanted to be for Halloween. Her usual response was, “NUFFIN. I DON’T WANT TO BE ANYFING FOR HA-WEEN.”

WAY TO GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT, KIDDO.

This past weekend, we finally decided to just take her to the Halloween store and tell her to pick something out. Normally she says she doesn’t want to do things, but really she does, she just doesn’t know it yet. She ends up having a great time and liking whatever we’re doing even though she’s whining and insisting she just wants to stay home and eat popcorn while watching The Land Before Time Pt. Ninety.

So we took her to the store and led her to the toddler costumes. She perused several options, the first of which was a Rapunzel costume that cost approximately $50.00 and was made of like, a plastic bag spray-painted purple and pink. She then proceeded to spaz out completely and pluck every princess-related item from the hooks on the wall. She grabbed a Princess Aurora tiara and stuck it on her head backwards. Then a helpful clerk (and by helpful I mean “doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand the concept of ‘DON’T WANT TO PAY TEN DOLLARS PER ACCESSORY WE ALREADY PAY MORE IN DAYCARE THAN WE PAY IN RENT'”. Okay that’s not fair. The girl was really nice. And she had blue hair and amazing shoes and I pretty much envied her skin and fashion. Did I mention I’ve been drinking while writing this post?) informed us that they also had wands. So Nellie grabbed an Aurora tiara and wand, then pointed at a Rapunzel wig, and then an Ariel costume. So we had decided that she would be like, a Fraken-Disney-Princess which is various Disney items patched together to make a brand new princess.

We managed to pull her away from the princesses to browse other costumes. Along the way she decided she wanted to be:

  • A purple cat
  • A cat with a fuzzy jumpsuit that looked like it belonged in 1973
  • A “Baterina” – which is a ballerina and a bat, I guess, which makes NO SENSE because bats are nocturnal warm-blooded mammals, and ballerinas are Natalie Portman.
  • Buddy from the Dinosaur Train
  • Iron Man
  • A fire fighter

We finally convinced her to settle on a cute purple butterfly:

Fox not included.

Pretty cute, I wanted her to be an adorable stripey cat but she wanted nothing to do with the ears and tail so whatever. She’s been wearing this costume all weekend and now her wings are all bent and crooked like a fairy that went on a weekend-long bender.

Happy Halloween!

Current Music Obsessions {Fall 2012 Edition}

It’s been a while since my last music post. I thought I’d share a few of the songs/artists I’m currently digging as the seasons shift.

Black Prairie, “How Do You Ruin Me?”

I got this song as a free download from my Starbucks app – which, by the way, you need in your life NOW if you don’t have it already – and was incredibly surprised at how much I loved it. The track is called “How Do You Ruin Me”, and it has such a unique and funky sound I just fell in love. Not to mention awesome harmonies.

Fun., “Some Nights”

This next song is one you have probably heard on the radio. Fun. burst into the Top 40 scene with their song “We Are Young”. It was catchy but got on my nerves quickly so I kind of wrote them off until I heard another track of theirs called “Some Nights”. It quickly became one of my guilty pleasures and made its way into my iTunes library, but then a friend of mine sent me a link to this video, which is a cover by the group Walk Off the Earth. I posted their cover of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” a few months ago and just like it, this cover threatens to be better than the original. The guest singer that’s with them, Julia Nunes? Her voice is like BUTTAH.

Old Crow Medicine Show, “Wagon Wheel”

OCMS is bluegrass/country/folk…. It’s an interesting blend. I caught this track from Pandora and loved it so much, I bought it. I have listened to some more of OCMS’s music and haven’t absolutely loved it, but this track? I love to crank it up and sing along at the top of my lungs.

The Avett Brothers, “Matrimony”

The Avett Brothers is another band that I’m not 100% fangirl on yet. I love some of their tracks, and others just kind of run together in sound for me. I think they’ll end up being a band I pepper into my iTunes for some variety when I pick out the songs I like. This track, Matrimony, is another one I love to blare and jam out to in my car.

Mumford & Sons (EVERYTHING, but really this one is), “Hopeless Wanderer”

Last but not least is Mumford & Sons – a band I’ve mentioned here before. Their newest album, Babel, just came out at the end of September and since it did I have been listening to it pretty much nonstop. The songs on this album give me chills, take me to another place, and generally make me music geek out. I like Babel more than their previous album, Sigh No More, and have a hard time picking out my favorite track. But if I had to choose, it would be this one – Hopeless Wanderer.

Those are some of the tracks that I’m listening to this fall. What are your current music obessions?

Hungry Hungry Headband

While trying to be fashionable and hide the fact that it’s been a while since my last haircut and my ‘do is starting to resemble a shag carpet, I have added headbands into my accessory rotation. I bought one cute one that’s brown and has a little knot on it and is whimsical, or something. I don’t know. It’s almost 10 at night as I’m writing this and I suck at adjectives sometimes.

I also bought just a run of the mill brown headband with adjustable by-your-ear thingies, because I don’t know about you but when those things don’t bend they hurt like a motherfucker.

One signature trait of headbands are those little teeth they have that makes them stay in your hair. Or something.

Anyway, the other day I dropped Nellie off at daycare. Every morning, the first thing she must do is wash her hands.

I swear, all of this eventually has to do with headbands.

She insists that I go to the bathroom with her and watch her wash her hands. So in I go, because she is my dictator. After she finished washing, she ran out of the room to play with a toy. I bent down to beg my overlord for a goodbye hug and kiss. She allowed me to kiss her on the side of her nose, which I thought was pretty generous. She  turned away to her toys, so I stood up from my crouching position and —

CRACK!

My head hit the top of a loft that they have in her classroom for the kids to rappel from   throw each other off of   play in and explore. I stumbled a bit from the force of the blow and shook my head while biting my tongue so not to spew forth a couple of MOTHER FUCKING SHIT EATERS in front of my daughter’s teachers. I found my way out to my car, gingerly feeling my scalp and fully expecting to pull back a hand covered in blood and sinew and was ready to drive myself to the hospital (no, I’m not dramatic, why the fuck would you ask me that?).

I found no blood so I carried on with my day. It wasn’t until later on that I was scratching my head when my fingers grazed the sore spot from whacking myself senseless on a toddler loft. It felt crusty but also kind of peculiar, so I headed to a mirror where I saw this:

The teethmarks + important brainthings happening in my thinker

Remember those headband teeth I was talking about earlier? When I hit my head, the teeth DUG INTO MY MOTHERFUCKING SCALP. See those dots? Those are from my headband’s hungry little stabbing teeth of misery and pain. I’ve been branded by Goody. My scalp belongs to them forever. I think they’ve actually got some kind of tracking device implanted in my brain now, and I will probably end up being forced to compete in the Hunger Games. Which sucks, because I have zero survival instincts and I’m fat and can’t run.

So the moral of the story is: don’t wear headbands with teeth, because you never know when you will be a fucking dumbass and whack your head on something that you knew was there to begin with but weren’t thinking about, because all you could think about was getting to Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte before you were late for work. And also, do cardio regularly because, you know. The Hunger Games and zombies.

BlogHer Book Club Review: Matched

 

Matched is a young adult novel set in a dystopian future where The Society governs everything, and everyone’s life is carefully controlled and regulated. Everyone dresses the same, extracurricular activities limited to a handful of things; even the food one eats is chosen for them.

Cassia Reyes decides to be Matched – the Society will pair her with a boy who has been deemed her ideal mate in every way. At her Matching Ceremony, Cassia is Matched with her best friend, Xander. She is ecstatic until a glitch in the system causes a second face to flash on the screen before her. Ky, the mysterious boy who came to her town years before suddenly smiles back at her and Cassia is floored.  Cassia finds her faith in The Society shaken to the core – how could this be? What if they don’t know what’s best? What if she could have a choice? What if they are wrong?

I found Matched easy to read, but the writing isn’t what I’d call simple. I found it easy to imagine myself living  in this future where choice is almost non-existent. I enjoyed the storyline and the characters. I liked that Cassia changed and grew through the story; at first, she is a naive teenage girl who wholly believes in The Society, but she ends up questioning authority in a very ‘damn the man’ sort of way. The love triangle is a little typical and predictable of a young adult story, but it wasn’t too sappy. And there were no sparkly vampires involved, so that’s ALWAYS a plus.

Matched is a trilogy and though I liked the book, I haven’t made up my mind if I’m going to continue reading the series. I have some other books on my “to-read” list that take precedence. Overall, I enjoyed Matched and recommended it to my best friend to read. If you like the Hunger Games, try Matched. It’s not as good, gritty, or poignant as the Hunger Games but it is enjoyable and nice, light reading.

DISCLOSURE: I received both monetary compensation and a copy of Matched for this post as part of the BlogHer Book Club. You can read more about this book or join the discussion by visiting the BlogHer Book Club’s discussion of Matched. Though this was a compensated post, I really did enjoy this book. These thoughts and words are 100% authentic, and 100% my own. 

 

Because of Bella

 

My daughter has an unusual excuse that she uses when she tries to explain her way out of something. When posed with the question, “Why did you do that?” a lot of children might rattle off a number of excuses, such as:

  • It wasn’t me.
  • I don’t know.
  • Because I did.
  • Because I was mad.
  • Because the thing in the closet told me to.

(P.S. if your child ever says that last one, move immediately. Nothing ever good comes out of a child saying something like that)

My child, however, likes to use this one:

Me: “Nellie. Why did you get in trouble at school?”
Nellie: “Because of Bella.”

Me: “Nellie, why did you throw that toy?!”
Nellie: “Because of Bella.”

Me: “Nellie! Why did you take off your Pull-Up and poop on the floor?!
Nellie: “Because of Bella.”

Bella is my best friend Rachel’s little girl. They are the same age. And apparently, Bella is Nellie’s scapegoat.

The other night, we were driving to the store when we discovered that Bella was at it again. Nellie was whining that her butt hurt. Nellie whines that her butt hurts a lot. I am pretty sure it’s her go-to “feel sorry for me” complaint, and I also suspect that she doesn’t really mean “hurt”. She says that when she has to pee sometimes, so I don’t think she really knows how to articulate having to pee.

So anyway, we pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot and had the following exchange:

Nellie: “My butt hurts.”
Me: “Your butt hurts?”
Nellie: “Yeah.”
Josh: “Why does your butt hurt?”
Nellie: “Because of Bella.”

We rolled our eyes with a little laugh and decided to humor her.

Me: “Oh, really. What did Bella do that makes your butt hurt? Did she bite it?”

Nellie was silent for a minute, and then:

Nellie: “No. Bella bit me. On the penis.”

……………… Well that’s a HELL of a thing to accuse your best friend of doing, especially when YOU DON’T HAVE A PENIS FOR HER TO BITE. We’ve had discussions with Nellie about what parts she has, but clearly it’s time for a refresher course. And in the meantime, I think it’s time I had a discussion with my friend Rachel about keeping her daughter’s teeth away from my daughter’s non-existent penis.

I’M WATCHING YOU, BELLA.