I Will Unfriend You on Facebook.

A DISCLAIMER:  This post is going to be snarky and ranty. SO if you have come looking for sunshine and rainbows and skittle milkshakes, what the fuck are you doing here? Have you ever READ my blog before? Go on Pinterest and look at some cats playing with yarn or some shit. Also – skittle milkshakes? Really? That’s disgusting.

Still here? Okay, good. This post is about things that will get you unfriended by me on Facebook. Now I KNOW that Facebook posts are a two-way street. I know that not everything I post is a favorite of every single person I am friends with. I know that people probably get tired of me posting about my runs, Barack Obama, vodka, and Downton Abbey. That’s fine. If they don’t like it, THEY can unfriend ME. I don’t give a damn. So before you go getting all “I CAN POST WHAT I WANT ON MAH FACEBOOK WALL IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT DON’T LOOK”, I am just saying: if you would like to remain my friend on Facebook, refrain from doing any of the following things:

Post Animal Abuse Pictures. HOLY FUCK, Y’ALL. If I see one more damn picture of an emaciated dog, or sobbing cat, or guinea pig with half a body and the rest of its body attached to some kind of tiny guinea pig wheelchair (… actually that might be kind of awesome. That’s like the Professor Xavier of guinea pigs) I’m going to scream. And then drive to the house of the person who posted the picture of Scruffy the Ribcage Dog and scream obscenities at them. And then I will unfriend them. Because seriously, folks. I know animals get abused. It sucks. It makes me sad. But for crying out loud: I DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT. And I know that some activists would argue, “But you don’t really GET IT, man, unless you see it”. WRONG. I get it. AND I STILL DON’T NEED TO SEE THAT SHIT. Post all you want about your Schmoopsy Poo cat, or that lost dog in Texas – that’s fine. But stop it with the abuse pictures. Really.

Repeatedly Post Memes/Images that Are Grammatically Incorrect or Have Ridiculous Misspellings. I don’t care how much I agree with something. There could be a meme going around that is a picture of gay men getting married while riding unicorns to Barack Obama’s house and then Mumford & Sons is in the background playing the new husband & husband a song. If it’s got big blocky letters on it that says: “CELEBRATE THERE MARRIAGE” I will fucking scream and throw something across the room. And NOT SHARE THAT AWESOME PICTURE. So if you repeatedly share pictures with stupid spelling errors on them, UNFRIEND. Bad grammar makes me hurt in the brain.

Excessive Amounts of Republican Propaganda. I have Republican friends. Really, I do.  I get that not everyone sees eye-to-eye. But I am a Liberal. My heart gets more and more bloody the older I get. I believe in equality for all, help for those who need it, that everyone should pay their fair share, and in affordable health care. If someone consistently posts sentiments that vehemently oppose everything I believe in, I will unfriend. And you know what? I completely understand if someone wants to do that to me. Really.

Passive-Aggressive/Vague/Constantly Negative/Partner-Bashing Posts. “Feeling so sad and depressed right now but I don’t want to talk about it so don’t ask”.
Really? REALLY. Okay, seriously. Why do people do this? I understand wanting to reach out for help, I understand feeling sad and lonely. But if you don’t want to talk about it… DON’T TALK ABOUT IT. The passive-aggressive and vague posts drive me insane.The negative ones are another one. And before you think I’m heartless, I am obviously not referring to times of tragedy and hardships. But if every other post is griping about how awful your day was, how much your life sucks, how hard you’ve got it… Come on. Post a rainbow once in a while. And the partner-bashing? That is some high school shit. Please don’t air your dirty laundry and bash your significant other on FACEBOOK. Wait until they come home and scream in their face like a normal person. Stop putting it out there for all of your friends to see. We are not 16 years old, y’all. Unless you are 16. And then, you still shouldn’t do that. It’s not nice. GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Posting Spoilers. Listen, y’all. I love TV Shows and movies. And I love to be surprised by the twists and turns that the plots throw my way. I deliberately DON’T TRY AND FIGURE SHIT OUT because I want to be surprised. So when I log on to Facebook early in the morning and one of the first things I see in my feed is a big, fat, Downton Abbey spoiler? I KIND OF WANT TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR FACE. I understand that season 3 is over and has been for a few weeks, but there are some of us without cable. Some of us can only watch it via Amazon. This one, as shallow as it may seem, is the FASTEST way for me to unfriend you. Because if you will post one spoiler, you will post more.

Okay so now my rant is over and you all probably think I’m a crazy and irritable bitch, but in case you don’t, what are the quickest ways to get you to unfriend someone on Facebook?

Comments

  1. #3 is my personal fave (or least fave? How does that work?). The whole “I’m so sad & depressed but I’m not going to say why so everyone will comment and ask what’s wrong and I’ll be the center of attention” thing really, REALLY kills me. And posting about one’s significant other? Seriously. If my husband & I had a fight & I posted it on Facebook I’d be sleeping on the couch for a while. Ridiculousness.
    Mary recently posted..Conga Latin Food-March 9, 2013

  2. Agree with all of these. I haaaate the constant photo poster. Ohhhh isn’t this a beautiful island? Ahh the world is so amazing. Mark my words, I will live on a beach one day.
    Do you know any of these? There’s one person in particular that posted … oh, I dunno, five million of these a day (rough average ). I wanted to say THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING GO. I HAVE THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. AND GOOGLE.
    Okay. Sorry for all the yelling.

  3. Kathryn Lyons says:

    I have been known to mercilessly unfriend friends and family over animal abuse/child abuse pictures. That shit pisses me off. It’s unnecessary.

  4. 1. People that post photos constantly, but specifically, the person that posts pictures of themselves all the time. 2. People that share memes and quotes all the time, even if they don’t have grammar errors. No need to blow up my newsfeed with that. One here or there? Great! 30 in a row? NOT AWESOME. 3. People that share the things that say if they share it they will get a free iPad or that Bill Gates will give them a million dollars. They’re always like “What the heck, I’ll give it a shot!” That doesn’t stop me from questioning their intelligence.
    Rachel recently posted..This is mostly about a St. Patrick’s Day wreath

  5. Oh my god – AMEN. To all points, but especially #1. Seriously, it’s like you read my mind. But, I have to say I don’t usually unfriend people (maybe I should). I tend to just hide them from my newsfeed so I can stalk them later if I’m bored. :)
    LDiggitty recently posted..my life = breasts out all the time (like f*cking Mardi Gras)

  6. Mom of Irish twins says:

    Love everything about this! From the skittle shake to the truth about Facebook faux pas! I equally share your distaste for pics of dying animals and, I too, find poor grammar to be on par with nails on a chalk board! Forgive the following, should it seem heartless, as I assure you it doesn’t come from a place of ill intent, but I struggle with the multitude of posts that read: like if you care scroll by if you don’t. It’s always a sad picture of a kid with cancer or a woman mourning her late husband who served our country. It infuriates me that my character is defined by whether or not I like or share a sad picture with human beings clearly in deep emotional and/or physical pain. Of course I care. I just don’t need to perpetuate such sadness by sharing with all of my friends, and and so on and so forth…

    That’s my gripe. Thanks for your blog. It is nice to have a witty reminder that I am not alone in my mommy reality! Love it!

  7. Every day baby pictures. Inside or outside the womb. Your kid is not nearly as cute as you think he/she is. I get that you’re proud that they exist, smile, pooped in the potty, but I don’t need to see it EVERY DAY. I’ll hide you if you post a picture every day, I’ll un-friend you if it’s an album every day.

    I also hate the passive aggressive posts too, and the animal cruelty, and the constant memes. I just want to tell those people to get on tumblr and leave us alone on facebook.
    _emily_rose recently posted..garden to do list

  8. For me, it’s the self-pics intended to instigate a slew of “you’re so beautiful” comments and then the pity and depressing disparate moaning if less than 5 people comment. I also hate the posting of tweets on FB. Seriously? You’ve posted it on Twitter. WTH do we need it posted on FB as well, complete with hashtags. Oh..and hashtags on FB #theydontwork #stopit #nobodycares

  9. Ohhhhh and song lyrics intended to be a cryptic message to your life….500 times over!

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