The Worst Things About Living in an Apartment

I was inspired to write this post while sitting on my couch and listening to the loud ass mofos outside screeching with wanton Friday night glee. SHUT UP, ASSHOLES, AND STOP REMINDING THE REST OF US THAT WE ARE OLD AND IN PAJAMAS AT 9 P.M. ON A FRIDAY.

Here are the worst things about living in an apartment, in no particular order, because I’m lazy.

1. That awkward moment when you cross paths with someone in the hallway that you’ve seen coming and going for the entire 3 years you’ve lived there but don’t know their name. “Oh hi… You…! How’s that…. Dog…cat? Child? Of yours? OK BYE”

2. Hearing the shower upstairs run at the same time that you are taking a shower. Both of you are naked right now. Eeeewww.

3. Worrying about a fire. What if those damn rock n’ roll loving heathen kids upstairs leave their bong on? EVERYONE IS INCINERATED. THANKS A LOT, CAPTAIN DOOBIE OF THE U.S.S. REEFER.

4. My goddamn upstairs neighbors and their elephant-dog. I’M SERIOUS. This thing is a magical creature. A freak of nature that shouldn’t exist. I will catch a rare glimpse of it in the mornings as it’s pissing outside. It looks like a sweet little boxer pup. Aside from this dog’s morning tinkles, it only awakens between the hours of 11 P.M. and 1 A.M. and when it does, it is suddenly an elephant. That’s tap dancing. With shoes made of lead.  And then it throws bowling balls across the floor.  HOW IS THIS DOG SO LOUD? Sometimes, I think the residents themselves start on one side of the room and run, full-speed, to the other only to crash into the wall and onto the floor. *stompstompstompstompBANGTHUD*

5. The swimming pool. I took Nellie to the swimming pool last summer and she loved it. I loved it! Fun pool times for everyone! Then I went swimming in my sister-in-law’s pool, and realized that her water doesn’t have a weird oily film on the top of it. Wait, you mean all swimming pools don’t make you itchy after you get out of them? MY SUMMER WAS MADE OF LIES.

6. Sharing physical space with someone when you are checking your mail. Those little mail areas are tiny, and I always dread having to walk into the little hallway when someone else is there. It’s even worse when their mailbox is near mine. I don’t like making small talk – it doesn’t come naturally to me – so I just give them this weird awkward creeper half-smile and avert my eyes to the ground. What the hell am I supposed to say anyway? “Ohhhh, cable bill, huh? What do you watch? Oh, really? Honey Boo Boo? Eeeerrrrr….. I left my humidifier on and I think it’s burning my apartment down.”

7. People who park thisclose to your car. All I can say about that is this: A;SLKDJF;ALDFJ;LAWUOI4UTAKJGMDN,N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Bugs. Let’s face it, even if you keep a clean place, you are sharing a building with many other people who may not be as tidy as you. Sometimes, bugs happen and sometimes, they make you piss your pants because they’re so close to the light switch when you reach around your door to turn on the light at 2 A.M., you almost touch them and their revolting little exoskeletons from hell. ….I mean ….

9. You don’t really know the “history” of your apartment. Who knows what could be hidden in the walls? Cockroaches, mold, fungus, dust, bodies – there is just no telling.

10. Drunk college people stumbling home at 2 A.M. and screaming at each other. Hey, guys. I get it. I used to be you, believe it or not. Just because I sit at home on the weekends in my oversized a capella chorus shirts and watch Downton Abbey doesn’t mean I was always lame as shit. And really, I’m not THAT lame. I love that Thrift Shop song, and I am pretty sure that makes me cool. But seriously, folks. PIPE THE FUCK DOWN IT’S 2 A.M. AND MY CHILD IS SLEEPING. IF YOU WAKE HER UP I WILL BASH YOUR KNEECAPS WITH HER TOY SWORD. LET’S SEE YOU EVACUATE THE DANCE FLOOR WITH BROKEN KNEES.

Those are my least favorite things about living in an apartment. What are yours?

 

Comments

  1. Hearing the neighbors have sex!

    My new neighbor isn’t so bad with that–I only heard him once. But the guy before that? I don’t know what he did to the girls he brought home but they were always loud and sounding like porn stars. And they woke me up. Sex is forgivable. Waking me up with your loud sex? Not so much.
    Ronni recently posted..Animal Kingdom: I Love Today!!

  2. Kathryn Lyons says:

    You always have that one overly nosy and “friendly” neighbor you can’t get rid of who is impossible to avoid. Trying to sneak out of your apartment Mission Impossible style just to not get caught in a 30 minute conversation about hair dye… yeah.

  3. One time, at about 3am, I woke up to a terrible crashing sound and glass breaking. It was so close, I was sure that an alien spacecraft had somehow crashed through my living room window. I jumped out of bed and went to the window (which was surprisingly intact) and it turned out that the drunken frat boys who lived across the parking lot had decided to toss a tv through their second floor window onto the pavement.

    And then they just left it in the parking lot for weeks. Grrrr. College students are the WORST. I feel like such an old lady saying it, but it’s true!!!
    LDiggitty recently posted..Friday’s dose of cuteness (7 weeks old!)

  4. My current neighbors are awesome. They let me play with their dogs.

    Past neighbors… Smokers are the WORST. I did not quit smoking so that all of my stuff could smell like I still did. I did not quit smoking so that could have a raw throat all of the time.

    Then there was the dude who looked like John Wayne Gacy. Dude had 3 cars and a motorcycle, all hogging space on the street. He watched “Will and Grace” at top volume at 2 am. He periodically flooded his toilet so my bathroom got soaked. His friends came by at all hours and they all smoked in the public areas. And twice a year, without fail, he’d get a really bad cough. So bad that you’d hear him cough and then retch at all hours of the day and night.

    I don’t miss that guy.

  5. I totally agree with this post! I thought I was the only person who thought like this! glad I’m not the only one!

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