Where Are You Now?

When it comes to thinking about my mom, the things that make me cry are random and usually unexpected.

Tonight, it was the movie Brave.

I was watching it with my daughter when it got to the part where Merida has a flashback of her mother when Merida was little. There’s a thunderstorm, and Merida gets scared so she hurries to her mother. Her mother looks down at her lovingly and tells her: “I’m right here. I’ll always be right here”. The two snuggle and begin to sing softly together.

I was sitting on the couch, cuddling my own curly-headed lass during this scene and out of nowhere tears began streaming down my face and I had to choke back a sob. If you’ve lost your own mother, you may be nodding in agreement, perhaps with a lump of your own in your throat as you remember the countless times your mother comforted you.

My sadness doesn’t really come from a place of missing my mother. I think about my mom all the time and the feelings that come with it are almost never ones of longing for her. I don’t miss her. Were there times when she comforted me as a child? Times she took care of me, told me she loved me, and was a mother to me?

Yes. That’s the bitch of it. I had that once. She was that to me, once. And then the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who mended my scraped knees and calmed my fears was gone. She didn’t leave, she didn’t get in her car and drive away and never look back. But she was gone just the same. There, but forever changed. Her inner demons won the battle for her and she was no longer my mother.

I was about eleven when all of that happened and ever since, I’ve been a motherless child. I had her once upon a time; so long ago, in fact, that it feels like a dream. The memories of my childhood feel as if they happened to someone else. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted a mother’s guidance and advice but even before she died, she wasn’t available to me – not really.It wasn’t for lack of want on her part but by the time she had even remotely gotten her shit together, it was me who was no longer there.

I wonder where she is now. I am not a Christan and I do not believe in the concept of heaven and hell. I either believe in nothing, or in reincarnation… If that makes any sense at all. I don’t feel my mother – ever. I have no sense that she lingers here, that she watches over me and my family. I felt her at first. For about a month after she died, she was here, in my apartment.  I have no doubt. I’ve never really told anyone aside from my husband and best friend about this, but after mom died, I felt her here. I can’t explain how I knew she was here… She just was.   I was never comforted by the thought or the weight of her presence. I wasn’t threatened by it, exactly. It just made me feel sad and burdened.

In life, everyone  felt sad and burdened by her. It may sound harsh, but that was my mother. Anyone who knew her felt that way more often than not. I guess that’s why she didn’t hang around.
Her life was wrought with heartache and misery… I wouldn’t want to stick around a moment longer than I had to in a life like that. I still wonder where she is now. Is she whole? Did she get to leave the sick parts of her behind and begin a new life without all of that darkness on her soul?

For her sake, I hope so.

“Where are you now, where are you now? Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd?
-Mumford & Sons

Comments

  1. I struggle with this a great deal. Even as a Christian, there are different beliefs in where people go once they die, and I’m not sure what I believe. And yet I know I don’t believe in hell, or at least not the kind with the pitchfork devil. I do believe in separation though, and that’s the true translation of hell.

    I also understand the longing not just for the mother that once was here but for the mother that never was. My mom and I were not close and had several issues over our lives together but I did get the chance to finally understand that she loved me, and for that I’m so grateful. I struggle with the idea of being loved.

    I wish we did know. If you ever do find out…tweet it and I’ll get the message. :)

  2. While I can’t connect with the really, really part of losing your Mom before she actually died, mine is dead too. We had a typical relationship – sucky teen years, but came back to each other and were close for years before she died. My Mom was a caretaker — that’s where I get it — so I have lots of those kinds of memories. She was also tough as hell — yeah, that came to me as well.

    Why am I posting? Cause the strange missing part. Mine was sitting in the theatre watching Momma Mia. Full on tears streaming down my face sobbing crying when the daughter was getting ready for her wedding? Like I started laughing at myself it was so bad! Why? Cause if I get married she won’t be here to see it and that sucks for me. It isn’t fair, but who ever said life was fair? You basically lost your Mom at 11. I had mine until I was almost 32. (Wanna feel better? I’m crying as I write this now).

    So, main point? Good post and you touched someone with this one. :)
    Heather recently posted..Afternoon

  3. OpinionsToGo says:

    Really love your post. You are open and honest and willing to share so much with your readers. This whole mother-daughter thing is so complicated. Women who have great relationships with their moms are very, very fortunate.
    Again, a great post! I know that your little one has a wonderful, and very present mom!

  4. I am now not certain where you are getting your information,
    however great topic. I needs to spend a while finding out more or figuring out more.
    Thank you for wonderful information I used to be looking for
    this info for my mission.
    list of netflix titles recently posted..list of netflix titles

  5. I enjoy what you guys are usually up too. This type of clever work and coverage! Keep up the awesome works guys I’ve you guys to my blogroll.

  6. Aware Bear Computers (585)473-7035 on 5 Monroe Avenue Pittsford NY reviewed
    the new HP ENVY 14 Beats Edition Series. ‘I
    have also attached an external monitor in order to use the Photoshop elements and worked with several large files and
    the computer did not lag at all. You can find an inexpensive computer
    repair company.
    http://www.hamiltonchinese.com recently posted..http://www.hamiltonchinese.com

  7. I am really happy to glance at this webpage posts which contains plenty of
    helpful facts, thanks for providing these kinds of data.
    clubcruceros.Org recently posted..clubcruceros.Org

  8. I blog often and I seriously thank you for your content.
    This great article has truly peaked my interest.
    I am going to take a note of your site and keep checking for new information about once a week.
    I subscribed to your RSS feed too.
    ways to get your husband to fall back in love with you recently posted..ways to get your husband to fall back in love with you

  9. The local monitor printer now has every chance when it comes to layout and quality, to contend
    with the large chain bookstore. Chapel youth groups may also be a large area of the Religious
    t-shirt market. Custom designs are marketed like weekend retreats camps, mission journeys,
    and outreach strategies to churches because of their events.
    Layout ideas are taken to manufacturers or screen-printers and so they
    make that style a document that in-turn might be made into tshrits.
    Cost is conditional on design and variety.
    Kennith recently posted..Kennith

  10. Anda dapat menemukan artikel oleh para permainan di situs tersebut yang dapat besar.
    Anda juga harus terus- menerus pengetahuan Anda
    tentang Formasi bob john kunci jika Anda berhasil dalam sepak bola.
    Kimber recently posted..Kimber

  11. Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all people you really understand what you are speaking about!

    Bookmarked. Kindly also seek advice from my web site
    =). We will have a link alternate agreement among us
    cheats growtopia recently posted..cheats growtopia

  12. Excellent way of describing, and pleasant post to take data
    about my presentation subject matter, which i am going to present in academy.
    dunnage material recently posted..dunnage material

  13. It’s difficult to find educated people for this subject, however,
    you seem like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks
    Ambient Trance recently posted..Ambient Trance

  14. Hello, of course this paragraph is really good and I have learned
    lot of things from it concerning blogging.

    thanks.
    easyspy cell tracker download recently posted..easyspy cell tracker download

  15. Hello, this weekend is nice in support of me, as this time i am reading this enormous educational piece of
    writing here at my home.
    camisetas embarazo recently posted..camisetas embarazo

  16. com does not host or upload any video, films or media files
    of ANY format. In addition, they are downloaded online and you
    can get to watch those movies that are not on DVD yet. They pay the postage
    right back and even supply the spread.
    online movies recently posted..online movies

  17. This game can even give a player a decent challenge due to its sweet difficulties.
    ‘ Have reliable and consistent gaming policies that are implemented
    and communicated clearly for all players.
    These problems underline problems with the Killer itself – it is client-side only, and so it cannot control the many factors
    outside your computer which may cause lag.
    Therefore, the best sports package is so
    easy to go online and check the deals you get.
    เกม recently posted..เกม

  18. Right away I am going to do my breakfast, after having
    my breakfast coming again to read further news.
    gambar rumah minimalis recently posted..gambar rumah minimalis

  19. Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Many thanks, However
    I am encountering difficulties with your RSS.
    I don’t know why I am unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody having identical RSS issues?

    Anybody who knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanx!!
    Marquita recently posted..Marquita

  20. Howdy very cool site!! Man .. Excellent .. Superb ..
    I will bookmark your web site and take the feeds additionally?
    I am happy to seek out numerous useful info here in the post, we need work out extra strategies in this regard, thank you for
    sharing. . . . . .
    moviepilot.com recently posted..moviepilot.com

  21. Amazing things here. I’m very glad to see your post.
    Thanks a lot and I am looking forward to touch you. Will you please
    drop me a mail?
    The Most Funny Stories From A Life 3 recently posted..The Most Funny Stories From A Life 3

  22. Thanks for taking the time to comment – I really like hearing from
    readers and I read every single remark and try to answer
    them proper right here on the location, so cease back
    by!
    Recipes For Old Fashioned recently posted..Recipes For Old Fashioned

  23. This piece of writing will assist the internet people for setting
    up new weblog or even a blog from staqrt too end.
    super ferme hack recently posted..super ferme hack

  24. If some one desires to be updated with newest technologies after that he must be visit this website and be
    up to date all the time.
    guide pour maigrir recently posted..guide pour maigrir

  25. The search engines will begin to spider blogs that are updated regularly.
    This is the point where you need a Search Engine Optimizer (SEO) services to put your website in top ranks among thousands of websites.
    However, a top position for any keyword won’t suffice.
    seo jersey city recently posted..seo jersey city

  26. I’m now not sure the place you are getting
    your info, but good topic. I needs to spend a while finding out much more or
    figuring out more. Thanks for magnificent information I used
    to be on the lookout for this info for my mission.
    Physics recently posted..Physics

  27. Although you could switch to organic (a really suggested choice), the option could be pricey and may possibly not be easy for all create, depending on in which you reside and what is
    accessible in your neighborhood. So it has a less full bodied flavor than tamari and it has a larger alcohol content which isn’t necessarily a problem but there’s less flavor to it and since it has wheat in it people with wheat allergies and people with
    gluten intolerance which is a big percentage of the population cannot consume it.
    You need to have a number of superfoods in your diet daily.
    https://vimeo.com/ recently posted..https://vimeo.com/

  28. 正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正
    义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义
    的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的
    影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影
    子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子正义的影子
    正义的影子 recently posted..正义的影子

  29. Every little bit of advertisement helps, so don’t be ahamed that you aren’t able to
    pay for an advertisement online just yet. A visitor to a website produces nothing if tht person never comes back.
    The next most important thing you can do to improve your marketing strategy is to learn and use vidso marketing.
    Nilda recently posted..Nilda

  30. all the time i used to read smaller content that as well
    clear their motive, and that is also happening with
    this post which I am reading here.
    kayak tour recently posted..kayak tour

  31. I think that what you said made a lot of sense.
    But, what about this? suppose you typed a catchier title?
    I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to run your blog, but what
    if you added a post title that grabbed folk’s attention?
    I mean Where Are You Now? is a little vanilla. You might glance at Yahoo’s home
    page and see how they create article headlines
    to get people to open the links. You might add a video or a related picture or two to get people excited about what you’ve written. In my
    opinion, it could bring your posts a little livelier.
    ass recently posted..ass

  32. For a lot more than 12 years I suffered from recurring frequently severe acne and skin connected disorders.
    Johnette recently posted..Johnette

  33. Both kind both static website design and dynamic design web sitees can have search engine optimization for business presence worldwide via
    web.
    get leads online recently posted..get leads online

  34. That is really interesting, You’re an overly skilled blogger.
    I have joined your feed and sit up for looking for more of your fantastic post.
    Additionally, I’ve shared your site in my social networks
    top article recently posted..top article

  35. Tremendous things here. I’m very happy to look your post.
    Thank you so much and I’m looking forward to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
    orecchinionline.it recently posted..orecchinionline.it

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge