Hi! I’m Natalie, a 28 year old woman who lives in Tennessee. I was born and raised in a suburb of Chicago, Illinois. I moved to Tennessee with my then-boyfriend at the age of 17 (scandal!) and have been here ever since. I met my husband in early 2003, in late 2004 he proposed in a very sweet and romantic manner. On September 25th, 2005 we were married atop a mountain in the presence of friends and family. It was a beautiful day.
We decided to get pregnant in October of 2007. By early December of the same year, I was pregnant. Three weeks later, we lost the baby and I was devastated. I mourned for a really, really long time. My first blog, Hope Springs Eternal, was a product of my grief. I lost 20 pounds, got ridiculously in shape and hot, and then gained all the weight back over the next few months. In the summer of 2008 we decided to try to conceive again, not knowing it’d take us almost a year.
I found myself pregnant once more the day before Mother’s Day on 2009. I felt from day one that my baby was meant to be. And that she was a girl. My beautiful Nellie Rose was born on January 20th, 2010. In August of 2010, I didn’t feel that the name Hope Springs Eternal fit me anymore, and that’s when I became Mommy Boots. Some women wear wife and mom hats, I wear boots because sometimes, motherhood is fucking messy.
Motherhood has been the most beautiful, heartbreaking, unexpected thing that’s ever happened to me. After my daughter was born I felt like someone pulled my identity out of my body, shoved it into a blender and then tried to put it back inside of me. I had desperately wanted a baby for a long time and when I finally gave birth to my daughter, I was not at all prepared for how being a mom would actually affect me. Motherhood knocked me on my ass and I suspect now that I had postpartum depression that evolved into depression-depression. In July of 2011, when my daughter was 18 months old I finally went to a doctor to talk about my depression. She gave me a prescription and while I still intend on going to therapy to confront many old and ugly demons, the medication has helped lift my fog. I’ve been enjoying my life and most importantly, my daughter, more than I ever have before. I just regret that it took me so long to acknowledge that I had a problem. If you’re feeling similarly to how I was, don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone, and you can get help. I did it and so can you.
In December of 2011, my mother was admitted to the hospital. On Christmas Day, my brother and my mom’s partner Ellen and I made the decision to put her into the Hospice unit. On December 28th, 2011 she died. I began writing a series chronicling my experience called In Her Time of Dying. You can read that from the beginning here. The events of that week and a half shook me to my core, flipped me upside down, spun me around and then spat me out back into the real world. I’m dealing with very complicated grief, as my mother and I were not close and had kind of a bad relationship.
I’m kind of an odd bird. I have a very random sense of humor and often feel like an outcast. I work full-time outside of the home in an office full of misfits like me. I’m snarky, quick-witted and am still trying to pick up the pieces of myself that becoming a mother shattered.
I curse. I’m random. I’m a geek. I like to sing. I love to write. I’m a movie fanatic.
This blog is my space. Welcome to it, and hold onto your fucking hat.