Twenty-Nine

Happy Birthday To:

  • Kate Middleton
  • Dave Matthews
  • Joan Baez
  • Jimmy Page
  • Severus Snape

Oh, and

ME.

That’s right, folks. Today I turn twenty-nine years old. Twenty-nine! How in the actual eff did that sneak up on me?! Thus begins the last year of my twenties. THE LAST ONE. I remember sitting in my tiny one bedroom apartment on January 9th, 2004 and scribbling in my journal, “I’M TWENTY. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!”. That skinny twenty year old was in her first place on her own, worked at a restaurant, and was on the verge of dating the man she would eventually marry (thought she didn’t know it yet).

It’s really funny (and by funny I mean WTF JUST HAPPENED) how time seems to go faster and faster the older we get. Having a child has made it even faster than that.

I’m determined to make the last year of my twenties great. Yesterday at work, I walked in to a huge birthday surprise thanks to my amazing best friend, Rachel.

Yes, that is a unicorn farting. She is the best friend I could ever ask for. My coworkers all made sure I felt special and loved – plastering zombie cards all over my cubicle walls, taping this Grumpy Cat picture to my car window:

I work with awesome folks and you should be jealous.

I’m off work today to spend the day with my brother and his fiancee, who are headed back to Milwaukee tomorrow. It’s been a great weekend and I’m ready to tackle twenty-nine like an over-zealous college football player.

HERE’S TO MAKING TWENTY-NINE MY BITCH.

Hungry Hungry Headband

While trying to be fashionable and hide the fact that it’s been a while since my last haircut and my ‘do is starting to resemble a shag carpet, I have added headbands into my accessory rotation. I bought one cute one that’s brown and has a little knot on it and is whimsical, or something. I don’t know. It’s almost 10 at night as I’m writing this and I suck at adjectives sometimes.

I also bought just a run of the mill brown headband with adjustable by-your-ear thingies, because I don’t know about you but when those things don’t bend they hurt like a motherfucker.

One signature trait of headbands are those little teeth they have that makes them stay in your hair. Or something.

Anyway, the other day I dropped Nellie off at daycare. Every morning, the first thing she must do is wash her hands.

I swear, all of this eventually has to do with headbands.

She insists that I go to the bathroom with her and watch her wash her hands. So in I go, because she is my dictator. After she finished washing, she ran out of the room to play with a toy. I bent down to beg my overlord for a goodbye hug and kiss. She allowed me to kiss her on the side of her nose, which I thought was pretty generous. She  turned away to her toys, so I stood up from my crouching position and —

CRACK!

My head hit the top of a loft that they have in her classroom for the kids to rappel from   throw each other off of   play in and explore. I stumbled a bit from the force of the blow and shook my head while biting my tongue so not to spew forth a couple of MOTHER FUCKING SHIT EATERS in front of my daughter’s teachers. I found my way out to my car, gingerly feeling my scalp and fully expecting to pull back a hand covered in blood and sinew and was ready to drive myself to the hospital (no, I’m not dramatic, why the fuck would you ask me that?).

I found no blood so I carried on with my day. It wasn’t until later on that I was scratching my head when my fingers grazed the sore spot from whacking myself senseless on a toddler loft. It felt crusty but also kind of peculiar, so I headed to a mirror where I saw this:

The teethmarks + important brainthings happening in my thinker

Remember those headband teeth I was talking about earlier? When I hit my head, the teeth DUG INTO MY MOTHERFUCKING SCALP. See those dots? Those are from my headband’s hungry little stabbing teeth of misery and pain. I’ve been branded by Goody. My scalp belongs to them forever. I think they’ve actually got some kind of tracking device implanted in my brain now, and I will probably end up being forced to compete in the Hunger Games. Which sucks, because I have zero survival instincts and I’m fat and can’t run.

So the moral of the story is: don’t wear headbands with teeth, because you never know when you will be a fucking dumbass and whack your head on something that you knew was there to begin with but weren’t thinking about, because all you could think about was getting to Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte before you were late for work. And also, do cardio regularly because, you know. The Hunger Games and zombies.

I Suck at Fashion.

 

So, I suck at fashion. Like, a lot. I have never been good at fashion. I never really cared about fashion before, but I think that becoming a mom has broken my Fashion Give A Fuck. I put so much energy into my job, into my writing, into raising my child, into attempting to give my husband the attention he deserves that at the end of the day when it comes to things like clothes? My Give a Fuck is broken.  I am Give A Fuck-less.

I see women flouncing down the street, looking all cute in their little flowy shirts and adorably flattering and waist-cinching chunky belts, and their cute little strappy sandals or whatever, and oh look! Their toenails are painted like TUXEDOS, or butterflies,  or something just as adorable and Pinterest-inspired. And here I am, meandering down the street wearing a tank top with beads falling off it, a pair of jeans that I’ve worn and washed so many times they don’t really even have a color anymore, dingy flip-flops, peeling nail polish, and my greasy hair haphazardly clipped back just so it’s out of my face. OH and with a toddler-sized pink backpack with butterflies covering it strapped to my back. Honestly, I’m just happy being out of the house and not having to watch Dinosaur Train for the NINETEENTH TIME.

We were taking a family stroll downtown this weekend. I watched other moms frolic about with their families, looking all adorable in their cute activewear, trendy tennis shoes, and flippy pony tails. I caught my reflection in a store window and startled myself. I was wearing a green and black-swirled shirt that was too big, a pair of baggy black capris that have really crossed the length threshold and aren’t really capris, but aren’t really pants either, beat-up shoes (and mismatched socks but you couldn’t see that, because the cuffs were both white. I WIN AT DRESSING MYSELF), and greasy hair. It was like TROLL COMES FROM UNDER BRIDGE TO PLAY. CHECK OUT MY OILY, UNKEMPT HAIR AND CHILD COVERED IN WATERMELON JUICE. MAY WE JOIN YOUR FAMILY IN A GAME OF DISCGOLF?

“I have to go shopping today,” I announced to my husband with a wild look in my eyes.
“O….kay…” he said. “What brought that on?”
“I wear the same five things repeatedly. I look like I’m homeless. Going shopping. Alone. Might be a few hours.”

So I went shopping. I hate clothes shopping, especially now that I’m overweight. I went to Kohl’s first. I entered the fitting room with an armload of items. I rejected each one of them because:

  • They were too small.
  • They clung to my Mom Gut and made it look like a saggy kangaroo pouch.
  • It enhanced the wrong curves on my body – the ones created by my back fat.
  • They made me look too old.
  • They made me look too young.
  • I am a condensed version of a human being, and they made my legs look two inches long.

I began feeling depressed, convinced that there was not a single item of clothing anyone had created, EVER, that flattered my body.

Then I reminded myself that my body was different now than it was before I had a child, and I just needed to invest some time finding clothes that worked for me.
So I did. I took my time, carefully picked out some items and walked out of Kohl’s with a shirt-dress that looked cute. I headed to Target to find shoes, and ended up with another outfit. I never did get shoes, because I still can’t figure out what would go well with a teal shirt-dress. Any suggestions? Here’s the dress, if you’re curious.

I guess what I learned from shopping on Saturday is that I have to accept the fact that I have to invest some time and effort into picking out clothes, and think outside the box a bit. Maybe my Give A Fuck isn’t entirely broken. Maybe it’s just rusty and needs a little oil. And now, thanks to my new shirt-dress, maybe I can go play with the fancy downtown folk on Saturday afternoons. My kid will probably still be covered in watermelon, though.

 

My Famous Vagina

So I had a little discussion with some blogging friends of mine not too long ago. They’ve been a source of inspiration for me lately – go figure. Creative women + a little beer = blogging gold. We had a discussion about “famous encounters and connections” recently, and one of mine elicitied a “OMFG BLOG ABOUT THIS. NOW.” reaction so like a good little blogger, I obliged.

Thanks for the suggestion, Suzanne!

SO. My claims to fame. Most of them are nothing fancy or special. Like, most of them are actually secondhand. For example:

  • My dad was Vanessa Redgrave’s chauffer for a summer when he was like, twelve. Did you also know that back in the middle ages – when my dad was young – they gave driver licenses to twelve year olds? Did you also know that in the middle ages they had vehicles, and also Vanessa Redgrave? Now you know. (SIDE NOTE: it’s totally fine if you don’t know who Vanessa Redgrave is. Click here for more information)
  • My grandma was Natalie Wood’s secretary.
  • She was also a contestant on the Price is Right. The awesome Price is Right with Bob Barker – not the imposter Price is Right with Drew fucking Carey. She won everything. Like, the whole show. She won a dune buggy, and a grandfather clock, and some other useless shit that I’m sure she sold for money. I don’t really know – it was before I was born.
  • My mother claimed that she slept with Chuck Norris, BUT, my mother also once claimed that a raccoon bit her on the leg and she yelled at it to make it go away, SO THERE’S THAT.

I digress. Back to my famous encounters and connections. I don’t have many, but I do have these:

  • I once saw Paul Shaffer in an airport in Florida. I was on a band/choir trip, and a bunch of the band dudes were geeking out. They were all “ZOMG PAUL SHAFFER” and I was like “Hurr?” So they all swarmed him at a magazine stand or something, and I stood there pretending like I knew what was going on. He was a dick. (Don’t know who he is? It’s ok, I didn’t either.
  • I have seen Ricky Martin in concert. TWICE. IT COUNTS. Right?

That’s about it, except I am forgetting my number one claim to fame. It’s going to blow your damn mind. Are you ready?

When 16 and Pregnant made its debut, I was bound and determined to catch the first episode, for two reasons. One, because I, too, was pregnant (though not 16. Irrelevant.) AND the first girl was from Chattanooga. I watched as Maci navigated her way through the complicated waters of teen pregnancy, fought with her babydaddy, ate at Rain (a local Thai “bistro”.. what a fucking pretentious word, by the way. BISTRO.  You’re a damn restaurant. STOP IT.) and rode four-wheelers while like, nine hundred weeks pregnant.

Anyway I was sitting there, watching, when she had a doctor visit. She was lying there, all pregnant and waiting for her doctor and I thought, “That waiting room looks awfully familiar”. Then her doctor came in, and spoke to her (but the camera still didn’t show her face) and I thought, “That doctor sounds awfully familiar”.

Then the camera panned to the doctor’s face, and I realized:

MACI’S VAGINA DOCTOR WAS ALSO MY VAGINA DOCTOR. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

What this means, my friends, is that Maci’s vagina doctor has looked at her vagina – because she’s a vagina doctor – AND HAS ALSO LOOKED AT MY VAGINA. What does this make my vagina?

PRACTICALLY. FAMOUS. Maci’s vagina and my vagina are pretty much like, BFFs. We should probably go get them vajazzled together or something. Is vajazzling still a thing? I don’t know, when you have a kid you lose touch with pretty much everything that’s cool. AM I RIGHT? Yes. Yes I am.

So anyway, Maci has gone on to be part of the popular show Teen Mom, and I’m left wondering… What about me and my (almost) famous vagina, Maci? What about it? Remember that time we went to the same crotch doc? Remember when we were going to go vajazzling?  No? Pff. I see how it is. You get all famous and forget your kindred vagina spirits (here’s another one of mine, by the way).

So that’s the story of my famous vagina. I hope you enjoyed it. By the way, this post was also partially inspired by a quote that I thought was Hemingway, but I just did a little Googling and it’s not. But here’s the quote anyway: “Write drunk, edit sober”.

The end.

 

 

Internet Forever

I was talking to a group of blogging friends of mine last night and posed a question: how long have you been on the internet?

There has been a computer in my home since I was very young. I actually do not have memory of a home sans computer. I have been on the internet since I was a child – maybe around 9 years old or so. My first internet service provider was Prodigy, and back then my favorite thing to do was post on the only thing I had access to – message boards. My favorite message board to frequent was a Baby-Sitter’s Club message board. Looking back on my first experiences with being online, I’m amazed at how unsupervised I was. But my parents’ generation didn’t know any better. It was really a time before people were aware that internet predators existed.

After Prodigy came AOL. Ahh, AOL. I can remember when you paid by the hour, and I can still hear the noise my dial-up modem made. Once I discovered AOL and the glory that was chatrooms, I was hooked for good. I used to spend hours (yes, hours) in chatrooms. Specifically, I would spend hours in role-playing chatrooms.

DISCLAIMER: I’m about to go like, hardcore nerd here. You have my permission to laugh. I don’t care.

My first boyfriend and his buddies tuned me in to these role-playing chatrooms. There was a whole network of people who created online characters who “lived” in a fictional realm called RhyDin (are you laughing yet?). My character was a vampire named Rina. Rina was a badass who liked to wear red and black fishnets (I was also really into the Rocky Horror Picture Show). Rina would frequent this one popular chatroom known as the Red Dragon Inn, the social hub for all of these fantasy characters to go and interact. Sometimes fights would break out, and that’s when you’d break out your digital dice and “roll” them to see who emerged triumphant. This was probably the most inconvenient time to get kicked offline, because damnit, I NEED TO KICK THE ASS OF THIS WARRIOR WHO MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE A 400 POUND SWEATY GUY WITH A MULLET WEARING A ‘FRANKIE SAYS RELAX’ T-SHIRT.

In case all of that isn’t nerdy enough for you, I also joined a guild called the Silent Warriors of RhyDin Eternal (SWoRE. I could not make this shit up if I tried, folks). We had pretend online fighting tournaments and shit. It was through these chatrooms that I met my ex-boyfriend; the one that I would eventually move away from Chicago to Tennessee with.

Once AOL had more or less gone the way of the dodo, I moved on to other social forums like LiveJournal. I began my LiveJournal in 2001 at the age of 17. I still have it, though I haven’t been active in posting there since I started this blog four years ago. I have always been an internet geek and now that we are living in the time of social media, I’m pretty much in geek heaven. I love social media. I love having information readily available at my fingertips. I love making friendships with fellow moms and bloggers across the country that I never would have met otherwise. I still remember some of the people I met in my AOL days and wonder what they’re doing now. There is something about the internet and technology that have always had a hold on me, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

How long have you been online? What are some of your earliest memories of the internet? Do you think I’m a complete dweeb for my online role-playing?

 

Childhood Crushes: The Weird Kid Edition

I’ve blogged about how I was a weird kid before when I divulged my favorite games as a child. I was getting my hair done at my favorite salon last weekend, and we got on the subject of boy bands somehow. One of the stylists was talking about how One Direction is her daughter’s first “boy band” and how that endears them to her somewhat. I got to thinking about MY first boy band, and realized that when N*Sync and Backstreet Boys were popular (I was in my early teenage years), I didn’t give a rat’s ass about them. I actually made fun of them. My first boy band? The Beatles.

Then I got to thinking about how I never had a crush on Justin Timberlake, or Nick Carter. I got to thinking about my early crushes, and figured I’d share them with you so you can either nod your head in agreement because you were/are a weird kid too, or wonder what’s wrong with me. Either way, I hope you enjoy my list.

1. Sam Neill.

sam neill as alan grant from jurassic park

You never forget your first love.

Okay, so, Jurassic Park came out when I was nine. I was obsessed with this movie. I saw it three times in the theater. That’s a LOT for a nine year old kid. This is my earliest memory of a crush. I was madly in love with Sam Neill A.K.A Dr. Alan Grant. My crush on him continued into my teen years, when I fell in love with him again when he played Merlin on that T.V. miniseries that no one remembers. So what if he was like, eighty when I was nine? It was true love.

2. Paul McCartney circa the 1960s.

I stand by this one.

My mother was a bonafide Beatlemaniac. Screaming, wailing, flailing; she was a genuine crazy fangirl. My love for the Beatles was born when they aired the Beatles Anthology on T.V. in 1995. After that, I became a genuine crazy fangirl as well. My favorite Beatle was Paul (it has since changed to John), and I was madly in love with him. Well. I was madly in love with 1960s Paul. I would swoon whenever I watched A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, imagining myself dancing with him and being his girlfriend. I wasn’t into modern-day Paul; just 1960s Paul.

3. Bill Pullman.

Maybe it was his… Er… Or.. His……. I got nothin’.

After Casper came out, I fell deeply in love with Bill Pullman. Why? I don’t even fucking remember. I mean, I guess he’s OK looking? But I was seriously moony over him. I guess I had a thing for older guys, which was kind of foreshadowing because my first real boyfriend was 9 years older than me. Casper leads me into my next crush, who was slightly more age-appropriate..

4. Devon Sawa.

Can I keep you?

What Tween girl in the mid-nineties WASN’T in love with Devon Sawa? Even though he was in like, three movies, he was just gorgeous. Then he was in Idle Hands and kind of looked like a sweaty crack addict, and then he was in Final Destination and died (in the movie, not in real life) and wasn’t attractive anymore. The end.

5. Leonardo DiCaprio.

I stand by this one, too. JUST LOOK AT THAT SMOLDER.

Because, DUH. Titanic came out when I was 13, and I saw that movie SIX TIMES in the theater. SIX. TIMES. That is almost an entire DAY OF MY LIFE that I spent watching that movie. Doesn’t matter. I bawled like a baby every time I watched it, partially because it was sad as fuck and partially because I was really upset that Leo was 9 years older than me and at the time, hadn’t met my older beau. I don’t think he’s so adorable now, but he is one of my favorite actors.

Those were some of my earliest celebrity crushes. As I got older, my taste in men changed. I’ll post about that another time. I’ll tell you this: you might think I’m insane for some of the guys I crushed on when I hit my early twenties.

Who were your first celebrity crushes?

Current Music Obsessions

Happy Monday! Er… Is there such a thing as a happy Monday? I don’t know about you, but I was in some serious denial when my alarm clock went off this morning.

I was going to post today about my daughter’s first lesson in learning about death but I thought that might be kind of a morbid and heavy way to start off the week. So instead, I decided to share some of my current music obsessions with you. It’s been a while since I posted some of my current favorite songs. These are in no particular order.

The Civil Wars, “Kingdom Come”

I’ve posted about The Civil Wars before and how much I love them. I think I’ve also posted about how much I love The Hunger Games so naturally, when I heard the Civil Wars did a song for the soundtrack I was really excited. I finally got around to downloading this song, Kingdom Come, this weekend and have pretty much been listening to it nonstop. I still can’t get over the blend of these two singers’ voices. They give me chills. This is such a powerful song and it really fits The Hunger Games perfectly.

Mumford & Sons, “White Blank Page”

This is one of those bands that I’m like, why the hell wasn’t I paying attention to these guys earlier? I’d heard “Little Lion Man” (which, by the way, Nellie loves and calls the “Lion Song”. It’s a tad inappropriate because it has an F-Bomb but whatevs, it’s an amazing song) but didn’t pay Mumford & Sons much attention. Because I’m an idiot. This song is so full of emotion, strength, drama, harmony.. It’s just beautiful.

Gotye “Somebody That I Used to Know”

Yeah, yeah, I know. I love this song – along with a bajillion other people. I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. In fact, I blast it from my car with my windows down while driving around downtown to pick up my daughter from daycare because that’s what cool people do, right? I’m trying to prove to all the hip kids out there that I’m still with it and down with the current jams while I cruise around in my SUV picking up my kid. Word up.

Speaking of “Somebody That I Used to Know”, please check out this amazing cover by Walk Off the Earth. I might actually like it better than the original.

There you have it. A list of just a few of my current music obsessions. I hope you enjoyed!

What songs are you into right now? Is there something burning up your iPod that I should be listening to?

Once More, With Feeling

My brother and his girlfriend have come to visit from Milwaukee. I haven’t seen my brother since he came down to meet Nellie back in March, when she was just 8 weeks old! It’s really exciting to have them in town and to have the company, considering we’ve been snowed in for almost a week now. I haven’t worked this entire week because the conditions on the roads have just been too damned icy. I had already planned weeks ago to take today off to visit with my brother since I see him so rarely.

Anyway, tonight I get to have a night out with my brother and his girlfriend and I could not be more excited! We’re planning on going downtown to a karaoke bar I’ve been wanting to check out for a while. I haven’t gone to karaoke in over a year. The last time I went was on my birthday in 2010. I was 11 days away from giving birth and I had a blast! If you know me, you know I absolutely love karaoke and will not hesitate to hop on stage and belt out a song. My favorite song to sing is “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall. Some of my other staple songs are “Me and Bobby McGee”, “Landslide” (Dixie Chicks style), “Criminal”, “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” and if I’m feeling bold and my voice is in good shape that night I will sometimes sing “Fancy”.

Tonight I hope to try a new song. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the bar has it in its’ song book. I want to attempt “Glitter in the Air” by P!nk because I think it’s a beautiful song and I have been dying to sing it at karaoke for months. I hope they have it because who knows when I’m going to have another karaoke outing?

There are also songs that make me grit my teeth, roll my eyes, and wish for death when I hear them. “Picture” by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock is one of those songs. I’d rather stab myself in the webbing between my forefinger and thumb than have to listen to that song again. “Redneck Woman” makes me want to punch a bunny. In contrast, I’m a sucker for “Don’t Stop Believin”, anything by Bon Jovi, and “You Never Even Called Me By My Name”. When I’ve had some drinks, I like to loudly sing along to those songs with the rest of the crowd.

I’m excited, but at the same time I’m nervous. I’ve found that I have more anxiety since having Nellie, especially when it comes to going out. I crave it, I love having nights out but since I’m heavier now I feel anxious and self-conscious. My hair is more difficult since having a child than it used to be. Then there are just general feelings of anxiety that I can’t quite pinpoint. It’s not that I’m anxious about being away from Nellie, I just feel.. anxious. I know once we get out I’ll have a blast and I am really looking forward to it. I just need to take a chill pill.

So that’s what I’ll be doing tonight! Singing my heart out, drinking some beers, and living it up!

What about you? Do you love karaoke? What are some of your favorite songs to sing, and are there some that you groan every time you hear?

Birthday Facts

January 9th

Birthstone: Garnet
Flower: Carnation
Zodiac sign: Capricorn

Historical Events

475 – Byzantine Emperor Zeno is forced to flee his capital at Constantinople
1788 – Connecticut becomes 5th state
1984 – John Lennon releases “Nobody Told Me”

Famous Birthdays

1913 – Richard Milhous Nixon
1941 – Joan Baez
1955 – J.K. Simmons
1967 – Dave Matthews
1960 – Severus Snape (this one’s the best)

Not So Famous Birthdays

1984 – YOURS TRULY!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the 27th anniversary of my escape from the womb!

Photo credit

My birthday is a pretty big deal to me. After all, it’s the only day of the year where I can celebrate myself. It’s the only day the whole year where it’s a celebration of me and nothing else. No Easter bunny, no Christmas trees, no Jack-O-Lanterns… It’s all about me!

You know you feel the same way about your birthday, too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with relishing in a day where it’s all about you. It is, after all, just one day.

There’s nothing grand or exciting planned for today. Josh is working, so it’s just me & Nellie. I’m planning on going out, maybe spending a gift card I got for Christmas, buying some brake pads, coming home and getting dinner ready.. Not terribly exciting. But that’s okay. My brother & his girlfriend are coming in to town this week and I’m excited for that!

So that’s it. This blog post is really just to make you aware that it’s my birthday. You may carry on with your day. Someone please eat a cupcake or something for me? Thanks!