More Spotting/Color

Well, I’m feeling constantly knotty/crampy and when I used the bathroom last night, there was pink. This morning, brownish/orangish color so I’m pretty sure it’s over this month.

I’m thinking of taking a break from TTCAM. I’m investing too much time and energy into it, and I just can’t obsess anymore. I can’t. The women of that board have helped me out so much, and it is a place of healing and support and I think that honestly I’ve received all of the healing and support I need at this point. There is a lot of negative energy that resides there, because it is a place to deal with very significant loss, and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t obsess over my IPS, I can’t obsess over my cervical mucous and position, or whether or not my boobs feel too heavy.

It’s a harder decision than I thought, because I’ve been posting there regularly for almost a year and a half. It was where I went when I felt no one else would understand my pain and grieiving, not even my real-life friends. I know there are many women there who are hurting and also need support, but there are many long-time members there who can offer that. I just think I need to step back, and focus my energies elsewhere.

I still want to try, of course… But I think I need to distribute my energies elsewhere in my life. I need to find a new main focus, and make TTC just something that will happen when it’s meant to. My plan for now is to guesstimate my ovulation, and go back to trying to have sex every other day for about a week, maybe two. I still would like to use PreSeed, because my CM really is a problem. Other than that…. I just can’t do this obsessing anymore. My heart hurts from being let down.

So… How do I step back from this? How do I do that? And what do I focus on now? I could focus on my body and my health.. I’ve gained every bit of weight back that I’d lost last year. I could do that, if I can find that motivation that I had last year.

I don’t know if I’ll be writing in this blog anymore. I probably will, but it most likely will not be as TTC-heavy as it was.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I’m Posting A Lot!

So I just had some typical pre-AF discharge. It was yellowish, and a little clumpy. Definite typical pre-AF discharge.

*sighs*

Oh, also, and this is new, I’m starting to feel bloated and kinda crampy.

AWESOME.

EDIT @ 8:40 P.M.
There was pinkish coloration when using the bathroom about an hour ago. I’m pretty officially out this cycle. I guess the up-side is that I can have some drinks this weekend. Looks like we’re on to #10.

Who turned on the heat?

Last night, my body temperature was all over the place. It was very wacky. I felt like someone stuck me in an oven, or lit me on fire from the inside out. I haven’t felt that way since I was pregnant.

I’m not putting much stock in it because I’ve been sick, so my body temperature could just be out of wack. I walked to the Subway on campus for lunch yesterday and felt very hot, and it kind of make me weak and shaky a little.

Again, my boobs are sore but not swollen so I’m not feeling very hopeful. I’m curious to see how similar pregnancies are though; I’ve been meaning to ask some of the girls at PAL if their bodies acted the same way with their 2nd pregnancies as they did with their lost pregnancies, or any pregnancies before that. My boobs are my main indicator and I feel very down every month when they don’t swell up like they did with my first pregnancy. I’m just wondering if maybe when I do get pregnant again, if a different symptom won’t pop up before the boobs.

I was having stuffy nose/sinus issues yesterday. Not even sinus medication was making me feel better, which was frustrating. It was making me feel woozy and a little disoriented. I just felt funky last night.. I was hot, and my body just felt weak. I don’t really know how to explain it.

Again, don’t put much stock in any of this. I don’t. IPS are cruel and deceptive.

On her way?

I feel like AF is on her way. Copious amounts of creamy CM, I’m feeling kind of crampy. Three days ’till she’s due, but it feels like she’ll be early this month.

Oh well. Onward, onward, always onward, right? It’s bound to happen eventually.

Colds, Indifference, A Few Days to Go

I’ve been sick with a cold since Saturday night. Stuffy nose, congestion, coughing, etcetera. I stayed home sick from work yesterday, but came in today. I thought I was feeling better but the longer I’m awake the more I realize I’m not feeling as well as I’d originally thought.

I’m really irritable and cranky, which is probably due to the fact that AF is due Saturday on top of the fact that I don’t feel well. Yes folks, I’m one of those pain-in-the ass people that gets cranky and surly when I’m sick. Guilty as charged.

I’ve had a bad morning, which in retrospect probably wasn’t really that bad but it only seemed like it thanks to my Hulk-like feelings right now.

I feel really drained of energy, I still have the sniffles and I’m slightly loopy in the head. I haven’t taken any cold medicine, I just think the congestion is making my brain slow. I’m also very hungry. One of the highlights of my morning was dropping the last half of my Slim Fast bar on the ground. I could have screamed. Oh, and I think my coffee pot is broken because the coffee this morning was just awful.

Not really feeling any IPS, I don’t put much stock in them, anyway. When it finally does happen, I probably won’t believe I’m pregnant until I see at least 10 BFPs.

AF is due Saturday, so we’ll see what we see.

Oh, CM.

Wellp, I know it’s still early in the game but I feel out this cycle. My CM is creamy. I know that sometimes, that is a good sign, but not for me. I get copious amounts of creamy CM after O, and AF always shows up right on schedule. The cycle that my CM turns EW after O, or dries up completely then maybe I’ll hold out a little hope for a BFP but as it is, my body is acting completely normally for a non-pregnant cycle. Also, my boobs are annoyingly normal. Not like before, when they ballooned out just a few days after O. I’m estimating that I’m probably about 5DPO, so if I were pregnant, I’m sure they’d be gigantasaurus by now.

C’est la vie. I didn’t expect much this month. O came at the most inconvenient time ever. We did what we could, and that’s all we can do.

My cervix this morning was high, firm, and closed. It was very, very high in fact. This means nothing to me. My cervix confuses me on a monthly basis. Sometimes I wonder if it’s plotting against me. I think that it probably is.

So, to sum up, my vagina is leaking lotion, my breasts are deflated and normal, and my cervix is an asshole.

Here’s to making a baby!

2WW?

I think I’m probably in the 2WW though I don’t know for sure. The last OPK I took was on Friday and it was still negative. I suspect that I probably O’ed on Saturday, as I was really uncomfortable and bloated Friday late afternoon. We had our regional competition for our chorus all weekend and I forgot to bring another OPK to test on Saturday. DH and I BD’ed Wednesday, Thursday, and yesterday… And that’s it. I didn’t freak out about it, I didn’t obsess… It is what it is. We used PreSeed so maybe that will be enough to help the lil’ swimmers along. Maybe it won’t. Regardless, I’m feeling OK about it all.

My chorus placed 2nd in our small chorus division, and 3rd overall. We competed against 12 other choruses, so I feel really good about the whole thing! Woo hoo!

Disappointed

So I asked DH if he was feelin’ up to some lovin’ tonight. I didn’t think that he would, because of his knee and all. I sent him a text and said it was fine if we started tomorrow night, seeing as how he cancelled his weekly Warhammer game with the guys just in case his knee wasn’t feeling better and he’d be all mine. He sent back:
Nope, game’s back on.
Sigh.
I’m really disappointed. We’re not going to get BD in tonight, and we might not get it in tomorrow. I guess that just leaves Thursday. And we can give it a shot on Saturday night after I get home from contest, I suppose. Oh well. These are the types of things I need to stop stressing out so much about.

I just get so sad at the thought of wasting yet another month of trying. I’m so tired of trying. I guess we’ll just see what happens.