Incoming!! AKA: Dodging Projectile Poop

Early this morning after a feeding, my daughter needed a diaper change.

It wasn’t a wet diaper, but a poopy diaper. You know, one of those where they squish up for a second, take a deep breath and then you feel a small explosion on your hand where you are supporting their butt? Then it’s followed by a foul odor and your little one looks very relieved.

Honestly, there is very little that’s more exciting to a new parent than their child pooping and peeing regularly. It means they’re getting enough nutrition and are healthy! Yes, dirty diapers are awful (especially breastmilk diapers… UGH) but they are also very exciting and NOT as gross as I’d anticipated. Maybe it’s because it’s my kid.

I digress. I took Nellie into her room to change her, cooing at her all the while and praising her for being such a good pooper. I lay her down, slipped off the diaper and got down to business. I given her the first once-over with the wipes when a small amount of poop trickled out of her butt.
“Oh no!” I thought. “She’s not done!” I then realized that I was standing DIRECTLY in the line of fire. Right at that moment, I heard an odd noise and I literally jumped out of the way. I managed to very, VERY narrowly dodge a projectile, liquidy stream of baby poop. It got on the changing table pads and hit the box of baby wipes I had sitting on the table. I yelled, “OH MY GOD!” and Nellie just lay there, looking up at me with an unimpressed and unaffected gaze. I immediately bursted out laughing and got to work cleaning her up.

Mommy Lessons #4 and #5: Do not stand at the foot of the changing table where baby’s rectum is facing you. Also, keep baby wipes at the head of the table so she can’t poop on them and ruin the box.This was totally me, except instead of a bullet it was baby shit.